She Needs You to Change, Not Check Out

Most men can tell when they are in the doghouse. It begins with a chill in the air. Perhaps a joke not laughed at, a question not answered, or even a passing glance not returned. At first, it’s a bit confusing, but at some point, even the most cluelessness among us understands three things: she’s upset, it’s something you did, and now you will pay for it.

Turning on the “I must fix it” mentality we are born with, we immediately reach into our toolbox and begin strategizing which solution will work best this time. Perhaps we begin with giving her some space — but this can backfire as she may interpret our distance to mean we don’t care, making things way worse. Maybe we should ask, “What’s wrong?” with as much compassion as possible. This also carries significant risk because perhaps we are opening up Pandora’s box, thereby releasing a litany of complaints going back to your first date when you allowed her to help pay for dinner. Many of us seasoned dog-house dwellers will go for the apology right away, praying to Gd this is all she needs to resume fun banter and goodwill. But how many times can you apologize and expect her to believe you are truly sorry?

Most times, in spite of emptying every tool in the box, it’s only an uncomfortably long period of time that calms her spirit, allowing you back into her good graces. Phew!

In general, though, the dog house is reserved for minor infractions of kindness, consideration, and honor. But when these infractions either go unchecked for long periods of time or they escalate into deeper breaches of trust, the dog house doesn’t work. Instead, your relationship becomes defined by criticism, contempt, and a lack of intimacy and connection. Basically, positivity and respect disappear, and your love is gone.

At this point, it’s obvious these signs are an S.O.S. that you two need help. Something major isn’t right, and it’s poisoning your marriage. Separation, and heaven-forbid, divorce is right around the corner.

Interesting, the redpill agrees. But not for the same reasons. Instead, the manosphere teaches that “The medium is the message,” i.e., when you are being treated with coldness and disdain, it’s because deep down, she never really loved you. This isn’t about your behavior in the relationship; it’s because you were only her second choice — she merely settled for you. Whatever you do, don’t look in the mirror. Instead, see her for who she really is — a woman who was desperately seeking a beta male to save her from smashing into “the wall.” You did nothing wrong; it’s just that her true lack of love and respect for you is finally coming out.

In the manosphere, we don’t believe what women say but rather what they do. Thus, the “medium,” her anger, sadness, and disconnection from you, is “the message,” a reflection of her remorse that she didn’t land the bad boy she always wanted. She was alpha widowed, and it shows.

It can’t be that you are behaving like a jerk. It can’t be that you’ve hurt her feelings. It can’t be that you’re behaving selfishly and unkind. It can’t even be that she’s hurting for some other reason and needs your love and support. It must be that you were always second-fiddle, not good enough for her, and can never please her no matter how hard you try.

Ironically, the masculine role of support and strength is eschewed for the position of being the victim. Since she never really loved you, never really respected you, or desired you, the solution is obvious — it’s time to leave. Don’t bother looking inward, don’t bother working on your emotional connection, or heaven-forbid, apologizing. It’s not worth it and won’t help anyways because “you can’t negotiate desire.”

In truth, the red pill is right — the medium is the message. So next time, when she shows up melancholy, insecure, or even angry, take the hint — she’s hurt and desperately needs the love, strength, compassion, and support from the one she loves most — you. And, on a deeper level, her pain is her gift to you because the change she needs from you forges a better and stronger man.

Masculinity means, more than anything else, having the strength and courage to do the inner work. She will sacrifice everything to help you see what you lack. It’s not always comfortable or pleasant, and it’s never easy. But it’s always worth it. So after you lick your wounds, turn to her, and with kindness and appreciation, say thank you!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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