I Am Alone and Not Coping with It

It’s Sunday afternoon, sitting at my dining room table waiting for the rice to cook. As I kept scrolling through my LinkedIn, the itch to start writing came up. The topic burning in my mind for the last few months stretches from singlehood, the meaning of life to death itself. Very deep and dark as you can tell.

But I landed on the title “I am alone and not coping with it” as it sums up everything. So let’s start from the very “partial” beginning.

Before I was officially single

So I recently purchased a home and officially moved in in March. But before that, I shared a two-bedroom apartment with a straight guy whom we’ll call Peter.

Peter was Italian and though he was straight and single, he was very comfortable with being just gay enough for me. Let me define the parameters. Gay enough for hugs and saying “I love you” before bed, but not gay enough to have actual sex. We’d do everything together. Monday and Friday movie nights together, Saturday park run and Sunday morning breakfast runs. We’d host dinner parties, and as any civilized couple, one would cook and host, and the other would clean, leaving our guests happy. To sum it up, we were like a married couple with no sex. For those reading and thinking, “Really, no sex”? I promise you, not even a cock rub. I was his pretend “wife” and he was my willing “pretend” husband.

Then around November 2022, I spotted a home and I knew it was time. I was playing around with the buying-a-house idea for a few years now and my dream home (or still in progress dream home) presented itself to me by chance. Now Peter was 100% onboard, promised we’d still see each other and the friendship will continue as is. By friendship, I mean pretend marriage.

So as fate, luck, and hard work, had it, my house purchase was very successful and as mentioned I moved in in March which coincidentally was close to my birthday.

So after I moved in, Peter and I had two video calls, trying to keep up the routine. Then when my birthday came, I got a sort of cold message, “Happy birthday Simon” and thereafter, dead everlasting silence. Yes, people, My pretend “husband” ghosted me.

Then He Ghosted Me

Now, I have very mixed feelings about this ghosting. On the one side, I feel it’s a good thing. You see, for a year I was in a real “pretend” marriage, blocking me from finding a real REAL husband, sex and all! With Peter out of my life, the doors to finding that real REAL husband is wide open, but still, no husband yet.

Now, on the other side, I am devastated and heartbroken. I lost my goodnight hugs, my “I love you’s”, my friend, my companion, my hope!

We haven’t spoken since he ghosted me, and honestly, I am hanging by a thread some days.

The BACK backstory

Now, not to get too sidetracked, I want to bring us back to the story, that being “I am alone and not coping with it” and so far I have explained the back story of the last year and six months.

But you see, loneliness is like air, sometimes you are consciously aware that it’s there, and other times, you’re not. You’re like breathing and you don’t even know it.

Now with Peter, I was NOT very consciously aware of the loneliness because he was a healthy distraction.

But before Peter, there was a time in my life when I was VERY AWARE of the loneliness as it was so thick, you can cut it with a knife.

Before Peter, I lived in the same apartment, but this time also with a straight guy with NO EXCEPTIONS to the term “straight”. We’d say hello, goodbye, pay the bill, that’s it.

We won’t eat together, or shop together, Nada!! Honestly, looking back now living that whole year with Flatmate No. 1, was probably one of the darkest years of my life. I dealt with very dark feelings and got myself into very sticky situations (you know what I mean) quite often as well. To the point where it was reckless and dangerous.

Not to go into too much detail about the stickiness, but just before Peter moved in, I sort of also turned over a new leaf. The new leaf is keeping myself “Sticky Free”. So far, I have WON. It’s been one year and six months since I last was sticky. I promised myself that the next guy I am going to be with is going to be The One (I know, I sound like a Catholic schoolgirl)

2022 was my therapy and healing year, and this is where Peter played his role perfectly. For the first time in my life, I had a man that was interested enough in me. One that didn’t see me as a hole with arms, but as a real person. Bet you, if I had a pussy, I probably would have been more sexualized. The point is, my view of men has always been skewed in that I believed men saw me as a sex object, and for years, that is how I sold myself.

With Peter, I learned that I am more than that, and it was a year of therapy and healing and delving into multiple aspects of my life, trying to understand my view of men, my view of myself, and my view of sex.

Psychologically, it was a challenging year, but VERY successful! This is why I got emotionally attached to Peter in the first place.

The Now

Remember I told you loneliness is like air, and in 2021 I was very consciously aware it of? Well, hello 2023!

You see, men I moved into my house, I moved in alone. No flatmates, yet, and the house isn’t flatmate friendly yet, not to mention that I am NOT in the mood for another potential “pretend” husband to enter my life.

This is where we are getting into the crux of the blog. Now that I am consciously aware of the loneliness again, all the naughty habits I had years ago, want to come out and play!

So far I have resisted, but it’s tough! This is why I am not coping.

Well, you might think, “Go on a Dating App, you might meet someone there?” and I’d say, that is the longest method of arranging a hookup, it would be quicker going to a sex club!

So far, loneliness hasn’t gotten me sticky, but it did start posing some great answered questions like: “What is the meaning of life?”, “Are we meant to be single?”, “Why is no one giving a total shit about helping me find love?” and my favorite “Is doing the honorable thing worth it?” (The honorable thing being the new Leaf!)

Now logically my brain knows that I have people in my life that love and care for me, but when you are lonely and sad, we like to place blame.

The “Not Coping” part

Well, for those that know me, I don’t drink alcohol, and when I still had naughty habits controlling my life, getting sticky was sort of my alcohol and my escape.

Today, on the road of the narrow and dry, Porn seems to be a relatively healthy habit, though that in itself, is seeming to become less fun and the idea of stronger doses is creeping in my conscious.

I am not coping in the sense that I am feeling depressed. Because I feel depressed, I am in a constant battle to look for unhealthy distractions to not feel depressed, but at the same time NOT wanting to achieve it either, so then I settle for food and porn.

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My eating habits have taken a turn and as mentioned, Porn is like the new Friends! Ross would be Latino in this episode!

I am also not coping in the sense, that I feel unaccomplished. I am 37 years old, and soon I will be 40 and all I had so far in the last year was a coffee date with a guy, who wants what I want in men, and the occasional Tinder dick pic and a pretend husband!

This is so frustrating. I like to be in charge of things and manage projects. But love and meeting someone, I can safely say relies 90% on chance. Love or Falling in love isn’t something that can be managed with a Kanban board. Dating perhaps, maybe, but still, chance seems to be at the forefront of these things happening.

I am not coping in the sense, that not only am I romantically alone, I am friend alone too. Now honestly, I know within my heart of heart, if my best friend and I lived in the same country, we’d not have this problem, but in Ireland, the friend culture is completely different from the South African friend culture. Sure people call each other, but inviting over for dinner, unless it’s in a public space, is not likely to happen.

My new Irish-born neighbor said she was going to drop off birthday cake from her son’s birthday party, which was Sunday 17th of June, and I am still waiting. In fact, with that cake teaser advertised, I went and bought my own cake.

You see, it’s things like this that make me re-evaluate the meaning of life. Have we reached a point in mankind, where it’s everyone out for themselves? Or has it always been like that?

When I hear stories of how my parents grow up, I hear stuff like that one’s sister, matched with that one’s brother, and people tend that have more of a lookout for one another in the love and romance department.

I can safely say, only once in my life, have met a boyfriend through a friend. The rest of my ex’s I had to find on my own.

I am not coping in the sense, that not only am I lonely, I am also ALONE at life itself. Independence is a funny thing, people scorn you when you don’t have it, and when you have it, they think you don’t need anyone or anything.

Who reaches out to the strong and independent to provide emotional support. No one! But for the frail and needy, we are quick to provide a shoulder to cry on (that’s if you’re a decent human being) but to hell with the strong and independent, they have their shit together, and they can sort it out by themselves. But can we??? if I could, I would not write this “cry for help” blog in the first place.

Plus, we dedicate the majority of our time working for companies, who in my opinion give little to no shit on whether you are sitting home alone praying for a sweet release of life. People don’t care!!! The ones that say they do, only say it. The ones that really care, show it!! Thanks to the people in my life that show it, you know who you are.

When we have a good partner, they end up not only being our lovers and friends, but they end up being our cheerleaders. Someone who cheers you on when life is getting the best of you.

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I mean this in no sexist terms, but where is my cheerleader?

I am not coping in the sense, that my very purpose for living is under scrutiny. Work, make money, wash clothes, pay bills, porn, masturbate, takeout, and repeat?? Really?? Is this why I am sober for 14 years, avoided sex with men for one year and six months, and all that so can I sit at home and write about?

Conclusions

Maybe “To wrap up” is a better heading, because “Conclusions” have a positive sound to it, which I don’t feel is in there today.

So, now that you know a bit of the back story and the BACK backstory, I suppose I could ask the following myself:

“Would life be better if Peter was still in my life, or would it have only postponed this very moment?” If he ghosted me now, he would have probably done so in the future too, if we had kept on playing the “let’s pretend to be husband and wife” game. Plus, it would just block me further from getting the REAL deal. So no. It is not a solution.

“Would a total unravel and retrograde of my past naughty habits, really fix anything now?” No. Thinking back, sleeping with a stranger, makes a person feel even worse! Sure the climax is great, but the aftermath (loneliness, paranoia, std-tests, and stress) is NOT great AT ALL! Again, not a solution.

“Would being in South Africa makes things better if the Irish friend culture is so vastly different?” Yes and No. Revisiting my days in South Africa, when I had my best friend and my family all in one country, it was great, but even then, my bad habits were running amuck and the loneliness was very consciously visible when I wasn’t in a relationship. Still no solutions.

So, where does this leave me? Acceptance, I suppose is the closest to a solution I can find.

As Kris Kristofferson wrote in his song “To Beat the Devil”

“I was born a lonely singer
And I’m bound to die the same”

Those words haunt me to this day, as it’s the real truth. Even if we had love in our lives, families, and connections, to die alone we must and there is nothing we can do about it. They say the truth shall set you free, and strangely there is a sort of liberation in knowing that one day I will die alone.

I always said, Waiting and Loneliness are the two ugly twins of life!

We wait for everything. We wait till we grow up. We wait to be adults. And then we wait to die. I believe I already stated my case on Loneliness.

Maybe I will end on a somewhat hopeful note.

Currently, I am using my blog “Life’s Template” to see if maybe a reconfiguration of my current circumstances can help and actually, I have started laying out a New Life plan and implemented some actions. It’s working, but still, early days as you can tell.

Perhaps, even knowing we might die alone, what we can partly control is the state in which we die, that is knowing we’ve experienced happiness in life, or thinking it was all a shit show all along. Still deciding, then again, still living.

To end. Today, I am not coping. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

The End.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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