The New Dad’s Breastfeeding Support Manual: Protect Your Partner

One of the first areas in which a new mother gets shame grenades lobbed at her is breastfeeding. She’ll never “do it right” for some sizable percentage of people – and the trouble of it is, a lot of those people will have no issue running their mouths about it. Depending on your partner’s personality, temperament, and postpartum level of health, the comments she’ll receive can range from irritating to devastating.

So who should you protect your partner from?

Breastfeeding Zealots

Fed is Best. Simple as that. But you’ll see any number of people, especially in certain quarters online, throwing shade on anybody who uses formula or tops up with it in addition to breast milk — I’ve even seen it referred to as “the F word.”

Ignore this nonsense.

It can sometimes take several days to a week for even a keen breastfeeding mom’s milk to come in, and good formula can be a tool to bridge from one phase to another. Underfeeding can lead to postnatal jaundice, dehydration, and all manner of other nastiness. It’s no different than in later stages of life — feed your baby 1) the best food you can 2) in sufficient amounts. Both of those requirements need to be met.

You’re not going to “ruin Baby’s taste for breast milk” by supplementing with formula. It’s not detrimental to bonding. If you need to use it, for whatever reason, use it. If your partner has low breast milk supply, use it. If breastfeeding would be a net negative for her mental health, use it.

We’ve, at great expense, figured out how to replicate breast milk as a species. “But we survived without formula for thousands of years!” Yeah, Karen, most of us did. The rest either failed to thrive or died. So use it if you need it.

What’s your role in all of this as you look to protect your partner? Have a ready line. If you’re using formula as part – or all – of your baby’s feeding regimen, and someone makes a passive-aggressive comment about it, don’t leave it to your partner to take up for herself. A terse, “Thanks for your concern, but we’re following the recommendations of our pediatrician” should end the conversation.

Breastfeeding Discouragers

Some people will have the opposite opinion about breastfeeding. This is particularly common with older people, who came of age in a time when formula marketing was largely unregulated. I’ve seen anecdotes of older people telling new moms they were going to starve their babies by exclusively breastfeeding while the baby in question was on the 90th percentile for weight (meaning they were heavier than 90% of their contemporaries).

It’s somewhat understandable if you put yourself into their frame of reference. There was a shift toward formula culminating in the 1970s, as formula manufacturers made marketing pushes – often through hospitals and pediatricians’ offices.

By the early 1970s, three out of four babies in the United States were being given formula. So there is a broad swath of people who don’t understand why anyone would feel the need to go out of their way to breastfeed, and possibly have a mindset that formula is actually superior to breast milk.

Again, having a line at the ready helps protect your partner here. Answering eye-rolling about your partner’s decision to breastfeed with something like, “This is what we’ve decided works best for the three of us right now” puts you all on the same team in opposition to the naysayer.

It’s also the case that your response will need to be contextual. If it’s a stranger or just a minor acquaintance it can probably be dismissed with little more than a hand wave. If it’s close family, try to get a sense of what their objection is. It might just be that they know breastfeeding can be hard and would wish your partner to be spared the trouble.

If that’s the case, it’s an opportunity to educate. It needn’t always be a prickly thing to protect your partner. Sometimes the best offense is a good defense.

Judgmental People in Public Places

People can get weird about seeing breastfeeding, and their weirdness may require you to protect your partner in some manner. Here are some points to bolster whatever arguments you may get into here:

First, just to get it out of the way, it is legal to breastfeed in public spaces nationwide in both the United States and Canada. And in the United States, if your partner is an hourly employee, she almost certainly is entitled to protected time and space to pump breast milk, as I detailed in my prior article in this series.

A business owner or manager can likely force you to leave an establishment in response to breastfeeding, but they’re in effect claiming you’re trespassing by staying and feeding your baby, and I’d personally go straight to local media with that hopefully rare buffoonery. Citing your rights chapter and verse will go a lot further with approaching prudes than saying “Nuh uh, yes we can.”

On a related point, protect your partner by being her wingman in public when she’s nursing. Be sensitive to the fact she is in a vulnerable state. Don’t check out and start pecking aimlessly on your phone – stay observant of your surroundings. Your partner is best left to gaze at your baby, which avoids the inevitable uncomfortable eye contact she’s going to make with someone if she glances around the room.

That leaves you to keep your head about you and head someone off at the pass if they approach for whatever reason. Make it so nobody gets the drop on your partner when she’s feeding in public. I may or may not need to tell you this, but people can be completely oblivious.

If someone has the inclination to interject themselves – whether that’s leering at your partner or working up the salt to chastise her – having to overcome your direct eye contact will hopefully be all the deterrent necessary to stay their hand.

If someone starts approaching your partner with intention, stand up and protect your partner by forcing them to address you rather than her with a cheery, “Hello, can I help you?”

Maybe they’re just a fellow parent and wanted to praise your partner for breastfeeding. If so, awesome. You can make your apologies for being prickly and step aside if your partner is comfortable with it. They’ll understand your defensiveness, I can almost guarantee.

But anymore, you just never know. People seem to have much less compunction these days about publicly airing a grievance with strangers. I’ll openly grant you, depending on where you are this scenario ranges from highly unlikely to vanishingly rare – but to protect your partner means to not leave this to chance.

Over-involved Family Members

Maybe you’re comfortable telling off the ninny in the grocery line snooping in your cart. But will you protect your partner from your mama?

I’m sure you love your biological family, and good for you. In a thousand other frames it’s either beneficial or neutral to be deferential to them.

But your primary allegiance in this frame of life is to the mother of your child. If that means disappointing or correcting someone who raised you with something to do with your partner’s breastfeeding process, snap your suspenders and do what needs to be done to protect your partner.

If anybody in your family is making life more difficult for your partner – whether that’s snide comments, passive aggression, or open harassment having to do with your breastfeeding choices – deal with it.

You’re an adult. You can handle this. And the target of your comments either will or won’t handle it well, but that has no bearing on the necessity of something being said. Don’t make your exhausted partner either quietly weather the insults or take up for herself.

You don’t need to make a big daytime TV scene about it, but whether you do it in the moment or in private, don’t be mealymouthed about it:

“(Partner) is already feeling enough guilt about having to stop breastfeeding – please stop making it worse with comments like that.”

“We have put a lot of thought and conversation into this choice; that comment was really minimizing and hurtful.”

“With respect, if it were so simple as that, we’d have long since done it. This is a complicated season we’re working through, and we’d appreciate you giving us the space to do it.”

I don’t live under a rock – I realize things can get complicated in families, particularly when there’s financial or housing dependence involved. But your partner has a right to not be harassed for how you’re feeding your child. If there is anything in this galaxy that is “her business,” it is this.

Unsupportive Healthcare Providers

I hope this issue never rears its head and your time in this section is utterly wasted. But the fact remains that there are physicians, nurse practitioners, midwives, nurses, and other professionals who have rigid views regarding any number of postpartum health issues, including breastfeeding.

Help your partner advocate for your collective needs. If she’s not comfortable with something, then y’all aren’t comfortable.

It’s probably, depending on the policies of the organization said professionals are affiliated with, most likely this will present itself as your partner being pressured to continue breastfeeding attempts if she’s having issues. It’s one thing to throw in the towel the next day – that’s hardly a fair shake, and you should consider your providers’ advice before stopping so soon.

However, if days are stretching out with no progress, your partner resolutely wishes to stop, yet she’s still being pestered to continue trying to breastfeed, then you need to decide together to hold the line. It will feel uncomfortable defying people acting as authority figures. But only the two of you truly know what you need as a family.

Your Partner Herself

Breastfeeding can do an absolute number on a new mother’s mental health. The level of anxiety and guilt your partner may encounter during your breastfeeding journey can be off the charts. When the nights are long and she’s spending hours in her own head, you’re going to have to be the one discouraging her from getting pulled into the vortex of self-doubt, loneliness, and sometimes out-and-out despair that can come to call.

It’s important to be especially perceptive and supportive if early breastfeeding experiences were difficult or stressful. A 2011 study found that experiences like this predict an increased incidence of postpartum depression at two months. And that’s in addition to the more generally applicable issues of anxiety and body image issues new mothers face. There may be negative self-talk occurring in her mind which you’ll need to counteract.

So fight in those early baby days to stay plugged in and perceptive to where your partner is in her headspace. You’re going to be strung out and ill-slept yourself, I know. But don’t let your head slump to the point you can’t see her. Make it a point to affirm her regularly.

If you have to set your phone to chirp to remember, do it. Don’t let her suspect for a second she’s being taken for granted, or an already difficult season could quickly turn miserable.

I realize I probably made things sound dire here. A lot of these scenarios are edge cases, to be sure. The main takeaway for you is that breastfeeding can be an emotionally charged topic all the way around – and charged emotions can make for undesirable behavior which you need to be prepared for as the partner of a breastfeeding mom.

Protect your partner. Take what slings and arrows you can for her. She’s got enough to deal with.

Far from least among the things your breastfeeding partner will have to contend with is the state of her own physical and mental health. In the next article in this series, I’ll cover some of the issues that may crop up for her and ways you can support her when they do. When that article publishes, you’ll find a link here.

—

This post was previously published on THEUNBOTHEREDFATHER.COM.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock.com