Single and Sad About It

After a short conversation with Klara Jane Holloway , this topic would not leave my mind.

There is something to be said for the kind of partnership that will grow with you, be a place of encouragement and love, and fill your desire for companionship, passion, and support. It’s a rare and beautiful thing.

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Yesterday, as I worked with a soon-to-be bride on the music for her wedding, I saw just that. I saw a young girl with a young man who knew each other, each coming from supportive and loving homes. They were coming together, imperfectly, knowing that they would have ample opportunities to grow up…together.

It’s not a fairytale, this growing-up-together thing. It’s hard work. But, it sure beats the alternative…growing up alone in a relationship and hoping the other person will catch up someday. That is lonely, sad, and desperate at times, even if you are as patient as Job.

Many of us did that, though. We spent years and years hoping they would check in, hoping they would see the opportunity they had to love and be loved. But, as I near 50 years old, I am noticing something. Many women my age are done working that hard, or waiting that long, to be with someone and be lonely, all the same. And I get it.

Love has been like that for many of us and maybe all of us at times. I know it’s been like that for me most of my life. And yes, I’m tired.

This year I would have been married for 30 years, had I stayed with the man-child I married at age 19. I was with him for 25 years before I filed for divorce. I waited a really long time for him to catch up…to no avail. He was simply not on the same track I was. He resisted the joy of family life. He didn’t want to grow with me…with us. He didn’t want to learn to truly father children and love them how they needed loving.

That kind of man (or woman) is wasting oxygen in all of their empty promises. They are wasting our precious time as they resist growing up.

How do we ever know it will be worth it… this waiting business?

Well, many women (and some men) will never know. Because they are never going to start waiting. They are young right now. They will opt to be single, raise children as a single parent, and do life in a way that takes away the volatility of another (assumedly) adult influence.

It makes sense, really.

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But some young’uns would really like to have a partner. Some are beautiful and talented and would love to have someone to share their lives with. But, really, how is a woman to do this? Without spending an inordinate amount of time raising a boy-man, making herself smaller to support him, and attempting to convince him that showing up is worth it…how is she to do this?

I talk to my daughters about the boys they choose for their boyfriends. I talk to them when they choose to take breaks from boys. I hear them talk about the boys’ traumatic childhoods and their lack of emotional intelligence. Every. Single. One. And yet, some of my daughters tolerate it and decide that to be with someone is worth it. Others, not so much. Their tolerance level is a little too low to put up with that.

But it doesn’t mean they don’t wish they could find someone. They do. But they, like the rest of us, know that to find a boy even within 8 years of their age who is mature enough for a relationship would be a near-miracle.

That single daughter of mine is a happy one, despite not having someone. She is busy with school and work and friends. She has incredible talent and lots of hobbies. But she still wishes she could fast forward about 10 years sometimes…to a time when the boys might have opted to grow up into men. Might…key word.

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I’m not sure she feels hopeful about that most days. And I don’t blame her. She watches how patient her older sister has been with her boyfriend (who happens to be a really, really nice young man). She watches her little sister get misused by a boy, but has the guts to leave him. She watches closely. And because of that, she doesn’t have a lot of hope.

She understands her level of patience with men. And it’s not compatible with the level likely required to endure a relationship with a man right now. Or ever, for that matter.

And that’s sad for her.

I get it. I know what I would do at that age. I did it. But I am far too tolerant, kind, and patient. I don’t want her to be me. But I do want her to be happy and find a partner someday if she continues to want that for herself.

And I know she is not alone. There are many just like her. Some are older and have put in “their time”, trying and trying. And they are done. Others know it’s not going to be worth it and will learn from our mistakes.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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