Stop Rewarding Your Children

We have all encountered children who seem devoid of empathy and social skills. At least, I know the suffering all too well.

Just yesterday, our neighbor visited with her 6 and 9-year-old kids. They sat sullenly, declined the cookies I offered, and bickered incessantly while urging their mother to leave. The boy even pushed his sister; she hit the table and started crying, met with his unapologetic indifference.

The weary mother shared that her children were not like this during their early years. They were quite the opposite: pro-social, friendly, and caring.

She left after some time, leaving me wondering: What goes wrong in a friendly and caring child’s upbringing that derails the journey from pro-social beginnings to non-social attitudes?

Almost every child behaves similarly during their toddler years. Their parents often echo the same sentiment: “Our child wasn’t like this; we don’t know why they’ve started behaving like this.”

ANSWER TO THE BIG WHY:

A single search of ‘children’ in Wondrium’s search bar led me to a bunch of courses on the said topic.

I decided to give ‘Scientific Secrets for Raising Kids Who Thrive’ by Dr. Peter M. Vishton a shot. Lecture 17, titled ‘Encouraging Cooperation, Sharing, and Empathy,’ seemed particularly relevant; I watched it, got my answers, and decided to share them with everyone!

(Get ready to hear some popping sounds.)

Bubbles that Dr. Peter M. Vishton burst:

1. Rewarding children for being nice:

You should NOT reward your children for doing nice things for others!
You might be thinking: Jade, are you serious?
Believe me, parents! A cookie for helping their siblings might induce positive reinforcement, but in the long run, it will make the child less likely to be pro-social when there is no box of cookies around.
They will always look for validation or rewards for things they should be doing naturally.

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2. Not having a discussion when children are being irrational:

When a child is upset due to a conflict with someone, most parents are tempted to avoid discussing it with them.
They either want to let the child “calm down” or just don’t have the energy to reason with an irrational person.
However, according to Dr. Vishton, children are emotionally most receptive in this state and most ready to change their reasoning about a particular set of emotions.

3. As parents, it’s your job to teach your child about being prosocial:

I mean, why not? After all, it’s parents’ duty to teach their children to share, play nicely, and be considerate of others’ feelings, right? Wrong!

According to a study by J. Kiley Hamlin and Karen Wynn, even at 5 months of age, children seem to have a preference for people who are nice.

That means as a parent, you don’t need to worry about somehow “implanting” these qualities in your child. Nature has already taken care of that job.
What a relief!

You might be thinking, “What exactly do I need to do then?”

Just do not mess up with your inherently prosocial children!

Do these three things instead:

Be pro-social, helpful, caring, cooperative, and considerate of others’ problems. Your inherently kind child will take your behavior as approval, and that will strengthen these core values within them.
Remember: You need to be what you want your child to be!
Raise emotionally secure children. Be there for them when they are in need of emotional support. It lays the foundation for children to grow into pro-social and empathetic individuals.
Keep an eye on what your kids watch and play.
Violent Video Games And Hostile Personalities Go Together.
Such content makes children less responsive when they witness real-life occurrences. In the worst-case scenario, they might become perpetrators themselves.
But don’t entirely deny your child enjoyment. For instance, “Lemmings” is a videogame that effectively promotes prosocial behavior in both children and adults. Keep looking for other healthy alternatives.

TO SUM UP:

Associating materialistic rewards with something that a child can do intrinsically hinders the development of pro-social tendencies.
The best time to discuss a behavior is when the child is displaying that behavior.
Children are naturally pro-social. Nurture their nature, do not try to force it.
You are the role model your child is going to follow.
Offer constant emotional support to your child.
Provide healthy entertainment, one that fosters kindness and empathy.

And, that’s all!

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Saliha ’s take on this topic is also worth reading.

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(THESE ARE NOT THE AFFILIATE LINKS, JUST SHARING WHAT I FOUND HELPFUL)

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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