There’s a common question I get among my friends and some readers.
“Tunde, how do you know so much about attachment theory and the dismissive avoidant attachment style.”
Well, I used to struggle with the traits, characteristics, and behaviors until I began my transition to a secure attachment style.
Along the way, I learned the lessons I provide you in my writing as I gain certifications that provide information to help you start your transition.
We can dig deeper and navigate the pillars of attachment theory: Communication style, behaviors, triggers, etc.
What if we go a layer deeper and break down some of the displays you see from the dismissive-avoidant by focusing on some of the phrases you hear that are hard to decipher?
We try to understand our partners on a deeper level, but when we give up, we start to explore the meanings of what our partners are doing.
Generally, you make your conclusions because you have given up.
The result is a fracture in communication, connection, and bonding.
Before you view that as a shift of the blame, take a step back before we go to that extreme.
It feels personal because you think they’re consciously failing to show up for you.
The truth is these are subconsciously displaying learned behaviors. Let’s look at how these get communicated.
For those of you reading and are a dismissive avoidant or the patrner to one, I DO NOT write for people who are not putting in work to improve. My focus is to lend a helping hand through the transition to a secure attachment style for the individual and the couple.
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I need some time alone
It feels like a dagger to the heart to hear someone say they need some time away from you and the relationship.
Guess what?
When a dismissive avoidant says they need some time alone, they are not telling you they want to be away from YOU.
The translation is that a dismissive avoidant needs time to process thoughts, reflect, and reappear to engage.
Other people have responses such as outbursts or projecting when overwhelmed by feelings. The dismissive-avoidant does the opposite and shuts down.
They do not process and recognize shifts in their mood until they have time to sit and reflect.
The proper response is to not push back on that alone time.
Allow that time alone, but you have to communicate a time limit on what that looks like and create a set of talking points to discuss when they return.
Avoid making it sound calculated, but it can look like this:
“We ran into a lapse in communication when (insert issue), and I want to make sure we are on the same page about (insert resolution). I know you want to take time to think, so let’s talk in the morning.”
I don’t know how I feel
When you are talking to someone who doesn’t know how they feel, it can seem like they are indecisive, unexpressive, and closed off to the world.
It is not always the case that the dismissive-avoidant does not know how they feel. The problem is that they don’t know how to express it.
What is happening is that there is a whirlwind of emotions cycling through their mind, and they have to decide which ones take priority.
An avoidant does not register that it is okay to feel different things at different times, even if their emotions change by the minute.
An avoidant feels like they have to be direct and calculated, or they think they’re being excessive.
A proper response to this is to let them know that they don’t have to have an answer for how they feel at all times.
A follow-up approach is to be relatable and not combative.
You cannot tell an avoidant how they are feeling, even if you might be right. It is the easiest way to get them to shut down because they will feel guilty.
Relating opens the trust barrier and shows them they are not crazy for having a temporary feeling.
That is the wall that is in front of them.
It should be easier than this
Dismissive avoidants value one thing in the world more than breathing: harmony.
When you want to lose a dismissive avoidant’s trust for good, introduce volatility to the relationship. (joking)
Avoidants are what the word says.
It causes them to avoid conflict = they’re not great at conflict resolution.
It causes them to seek peace = they’re not great at bringing up issues they’re facing and want to discuss.
It causes them to dodge arguments = and they’re prone to shut down before a conflict can escalate.
When an avoidant says they want something to be easy, they’re subconsciously telling you they don’t know how to deal with these scenarios above.
Instead of looking at your partner as someone poor in these areas, you have to develop a strategy for the future that addresses the struggle but proposes a solution.
Believe it or not, a dismissive avoidant responds well to direction. It’s peaceful and keeps harmony in place because you are on the same page.
Create a pathway for communication that addresses both of your needs.
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Pop in the comments if there are more phrases you’re used to hearing and we can break them down.
or
Want to learn about the triggers that cause dismissive avoidants to shut down? Get a free guide here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
