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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Choosing Yourself Over Being Yourself
How do you square the idea of being yourself with all the things you’ve mentioned that, in a sense, you reverse engineer because you know they will make you more attractive? Yeah, I think being yourself is kind of BS. I think choosing yourself is the way forward.
In this conversation, I’m joined by Dr. Ali Abdal, the world’s most followed productivity expert turned entrepreneur and the author of the new book “Feelgood Productivity: How to Do More of What Matters to You.” As I delve into Ali’s insights on productivity, relationships, and the application of productivity principles to life, we also touch upon his recent wedding and honeymoon experiences.
“How was the wedding?” Abdal shares his experience of an amazing wedding in Sicily, despite initial self-consciousness about asking loved ones to travel. Reflecting on the intimate gathering, he emphasizes the special bond with the 100 attendees. The honeymoon in Japan was equally incredible, prompting contemplation about settling there.
Reflecting on marriage, Abdal acknowledges initial reservations and discusses the importance of intentional commitment. The decision to marry wasn’t predetermined, but rather a choice grounded in building something meaningful together. The discussion unfolds around the transformative impact of marriage on relationships.
With the podcast host considering a proposal, Abdal shares his upcoming plans. While acknowledging logistical challenges, the focus is on creating a meaningful, albeit not entirely surprising, moment in Australia’s Sydney Botanical Gardens.
Ali’s Journey: From Doctor to Entrepreneur and Digital Nomad
Abdal’s journey from a doctor to a successful entrepreneur and digital nomad is explored. Acknowledging the evolving nature of his content, he reflects on the impact of personal development and mentors. Despite newfound options, Abdal always prioritized family, recognizing its role in long-term happiness.
Addressing commitment, Abdal opens up about his early desire for a family and the evolving priorities. He draws insights from successful individuals who, later in life, regret not prioritizing relationships. Emphasizing the role of relationships in long-term fulfillment, Abdal advocates for intentional dating and commitment.
Abdal discusses applying optimization principles to dating, drawing parallels with algorithms and the secretary problem. The importance of actively dating and using the early years to sample potential partners is highlighted. Abdal shares personal experiences, emphasizing the role of serendipity in his own relationship.
Abdal introduces the concept of relationship reviews, drawing inspiration from the Gottman Institute. These reviews involve regular reflections on relationship dynamics, focusing on both positive aspects and areas for improvement. Abdal defends the practice, addressing concerns about its impact on romance, emphasizing the importance of balance.
The conversation concludes with Abdal applying productivity principles to relationships, drawing a parallel between intentional relationship reviews and time management. Abdal advocates for a balanced approach, acknowledging the importance of both passion and optimization in a successful, fulfilling relationship.
Reflections on Goals and Productivity
When it comes to achieving goals, the speaker emphasizes the importance of balancing reflection with action. Many individuals spend excessive time contemplating their objectives without taking concrete steps to achieve them. The speaker suggests allocating time for regular reviews, such as a weekly reflection on work and productivity or dedicated annual planning sessions. Drawing inspiration from various books, the speaker highlights the transformative impact of implementing these practices early on in a relationship.
The concept of annual reviews is explored further, with an emphasis on the potential drawbacks of conducting evaluations only once a year. The speaker draws on insights from Lee Cocker, referencing the pitfalls of infrequent reviews in organizational settings. Instead, the speaker advocates for more frequent check-ins, occurring every two to three weeks, to maintain a consistent and open dialogue. This approach aims to address issues promptly rather than deferring important conversations to an annual review, fostering a healthier dynamic.
The discussion shifts to optimizing dating profiles, with the speaker sharing insights gained from experimenting with different strategies. Noteworthy suggestions include the effectiveness of using black and white photos for men and avoiding group photos with other individuals, especially those of the opposite gender. The speaker underscores the importance of profile prompts that facilitate easy engagement, encouraging prospective matches to share their opinions or answer questions.
A crucial point emerges as the speaker delves into the dating landscape, emphasizing the significance of finding the right person rather than pursuing constant validation or societal expectations. The speaker shares experiences of friends who face challenges in dating due to societal preferences for confidence and assertiveness. Encouraging listeners to broaden their criteria and consider compatibility over external factors, the speaker challenges the prevailing mindset of seeking constant approval.
The conversation touches on societal expectations and the pressure to conform to traditional notions of attractiveness. The speaker reflects on personal experiences and societal conditioning that often prioritize external validation over genuine connections. Acknowledging the complexity of the dating landscape, the speaker encourages a shift in mindset, urging individuals to prioritize compatibility and personal happiness over societal norms.
Challenges in Modern Dating
As the discussion deepens, the speaker addresses challenges in modern dating, highlighting the struggle many individuals face in overcoming societal conditioning and approaching potential partners. The speaker shares personal anecdotes, illustrating the difficulty of navigating compliments and communication in a world where societal expectations play a significant role. The conversation prompts reflection on the impact of societal influences on personal interactions and the quest for genuine connections.
Drawing parallels with marketing principles, the speaker likens dating to a funnel, emphasizing the importance of packaging and perception. The discussion explores the dynamics of attraction, acknowledging the role of packaging and presentation in initial interactions. The speaker advises individuals to optimize their “landing page” — their dating profile — to enhance visibility and increase chances of meaningful connections.
In addressing the packaging and presentation aspect, the speaker acknowledges the differing expectations for men and women in the dating realm. Acknowledging these disparities, the speaker reflects on personal efforts to enhance various aspects of self-presentation, from success and confidence to humor and charisma. The nuanced exploration of gendered dynamics sheds light on the complexities individuals face in meeting societal standards while seeking authentic connections.
The conversation concludes with a call for introspection and a reevaluation of dating criteria. The speaker encourages listeners to assess their goals, optimize their approach to dating, and challenge societal expectations. By embracing individuality, fostering open communication, and prioritizing compatibility, individuals can navigate the complexities of the dating landscape with authenticity and purpose.
Choosing Yourself Over “Being Yourself”
We’re starting to get more towards what universally women appreciate. What do you say? Because I feel like a criticism that has been made of my work for so long is just, “Why can’t we all just be ourselves?” Yeah, and you know someone could listen to everything you’ve just said and be like, “Well, but why didn’t you just be yourself? Like, how do you square the idea of being yourself with all of the things you just said that you kind of, in a sense, reverse engineer because you know that they will make you more attractive if you do them?
Yeah, I think being yourself is kind of BS. I think choosing yourself is the way forward. The way I always thought of it, and you know this is not advice to anyone else, but this is just my perspective on this, is that who I am, myself, is purely a result of some genetics and some accidents of how I was raised in childhood and subconscious conditioning. I had, as a result of the fact that when I was 6 years old in school, I had these two female friends, and one time they went away, and I was asking, “Where are Clarissa and Sanu?” And the guys were like, “Oh my God, Ali wants to hang out with the girls,” like, “Ew.” And then that taught me the message of, like, “Oh, I can’t have female friends. It’s really bad. I’ve got to be more of a boy,” and all that kind of stuff. Or things around, like, I don’t know, feeling like when I got good marks in an exam, that my grandma would be like, “Well done,” and when I got less good marks, she wouldn’t say, “Well done.” All of these are accidents that happened in my childhood that I did not choose and that have resulted in the person that I am at the age of 18 or 21 or 24 or 30 or whatever the thing might be.
Most people are not that conscious about the person they want to be. They are very unconscious about it because it subconsciously develops over time. And so knowing that it’s like, “Okay, you could do that. You could continue to just be yourself and allow who you are to be an accident of your circumstances. Or you could choose yourself and you could figure out, ‘Okay, I’m here right now, but where do I actually want to be?'”
This is not to say that, like, you know, the thing that you want to be, you want to make sure that it does feel authentic to you. But if I was, like, really shy and unable to put my hand up in class to ask a question because I was so shy that I was going to stutter (and I still have a stutter), is it not being myself to try and improve the stutter and try to be more confident so that I can have more confidence? No, it’s just I’m leveling up in that particular area of life. If I suck at dancing, is it not being myself to try and learn how to be better at dancing? No, I’m going to level up in that area of life. And it’s almost like a video game. You have these multiple stats: you’ve got a confidence stat, a charisma stat, a humor stat, a body, you know, muscularity stat, a stamina stat. And you can work on these stats over time. That doesn’t change who you are deep down. It doesn’t change the core of your soul. The core of your being just levels you up in your stats. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I think that’s choosing yourself. That’s living the life you want. Is it who I am to have a YouTube channel? Well, no. If you knew me when I was in school, I’d be the last person to have a YouTube channel. I’d be the guy sitting in the classroom just trying to do well, trying to do better on the exams. But I have a YouTube channel now, and I’ve been making videos for seven years because I evolved into the person I wanted to be rather than the person that I was.
Navigating the Three C’s and Three U’s in Relationships
I was just at this Tony Robbins seminar, and it was really good. He had a whole day devoted to relationships, and he was saying how for men and women, there are basically three things to avoid. So there’s the three C’s and the three U’s. So if you’re a woman, you want to avoid the three C’s, which is criticism, being closed off, and controlling – those three behaviors that women do to guys completely turn guys off. Similarly, for guys, the three U’s you want to avoid are the three S’s: making your partner feel unseen, not understood, or unsafe.
He did this experiment. He was like, of all the guys in the room, how many of you have feared for your safety in the last 90 days? No one puts a hand up. He’s like, women in the room, how many of you have feared for your safety in the last 90 days? Every single woman’s hands go up. And he’s like, “See, men and women are different. Women really need to feel safe, and if they feel unsafe, they’re going to be really turned off by a guy.” Similarly, for guys from masculine energy or people with a masculine essence, however you want to describe it, freedom is one of the big things, one of the big qualities that guys are striving for. And so if a woman is controlling, that is a real turnoff for a guy.
My point here is that, yes, it’s all good. “Why can’t we all just be ourselves?” and all this kind of stuff. But we know that there are skills that you can do to improve who you are in terms of your various stats. There are also skills of being in a relationship, like helping your partner feel safe and understood and feel seen and heard, which don’t come naturally to a lot of people. It did not come naturally to me to compliment my girlfriend because the conditioning I had was that you can’t give compliments. It did not come naturally for me to give her a hug when I greeted her because, you know, I’m from a South Asian background; showing physical affection isn’t really a thing. And it took her to be like, “Hey, you know, I’d really appreciate it if you could give me a hug when we say hello to each other.” “Oh, that’s news to me. Sure, I can do that.” That’s not me not being myself or betraying who I am. You know who I am is not defined by not hugging my girlfriend when I meet her. Who I am is defined by all these other things. But I can absolutely implement that behavior to be a better partner to the person who I love.
Has it been easy for you to be more affectionate? Because I know for some people, if they’re not naturally affectionate and their partner said, “I’d love you to be more affectionate,” it would just be like, go against their nature to keep trying to be.
Sure, I’ll remove the time codes, lightly copyedit for punctuation, spelling, and grammar, and organize the text into paragraphs with subheads:
Accepting Love and Overcoming Insecurities
If someone cares about you enough to give you a gift, accept it without wallowing in the insecurity of needing them to want it the same way you do. Instead, acknowledge that the person cares for you and loves you, making a gesture just for you. During couples therapy, the realization came that asking for something shouldn’t diminish its sincerity. Moving past this mindset is crucial for relationship growth.
The conversation delves into the double-slit experiment in quantum mechanics. The act of observing the experiment changes the results. Similarly, in couples therapy, bringing issues to the surface can alter the dynamics. The challenge lies in navigating the change, ensuring that positive intentions are maintained despite the shift in awareness.
Every relationship evolves as partners learn more about each other and how to please one another. The discussion emphasizes the beauty of a partner’s willingness to do something that matters to you, fostering growth and connection.
The conversation shifts to Ali’s book, “Feelgood Productivity: How to Do More of What Matters to You.” The book focuses on making tasks enjoyable and emphasizes the journey rather than the destination. The host appreciates Ali’s ability to enjoy life and work, expressing a personal desire to unwind stress and find joy in daily activities.
The host shares a personal journey of stress and potential burnout, highlighting the struggle of pursuing goals without enjoying the process. Ali’s book is seen as a potential guide for unwiring stress-inducing habits and finding fulfillment in productivity.
The discussion explores how Ali’s principles could apply to improving relationships, specifically for those who are single and seeking a partner. The importance of setting goals, creating plans, and tracking progress is emphasized, with a focus on treating the process playfully and finding enjoyment in the journey.
Approaching dating with a spirit of play is recommended. Incorporating a playful mindset, tracking progress like a game, and understanding one’s numbers in the dating process can enhance the experience. Reflecting on each date and continuously optimizing the approach contributes to personal growth and increased chances of success.
The discussion touches on the challenges of finding a romantic partner and suggests seeking feedback, potentially hiring a dating coach, and reading resources on the subject. The importance of enjoying the journey, lowering expectations, and focusing on personal happiness before finding a partner is highlighted.
The conversation concludes with a brief mention of Ali’s relaxed perspective on having children, contrasting with the host’s mixed feelings on the subject. The host acknowledges the difference in their attitudes toward parenthood.
Inner Conflict About Having Kids
Ali and Matthew discuss the inner conflict surrounding the idea of having kids. Ali, in particular, is aligned with the perspective that having children doesn’t scare him. Matthew wants to explore Ali’s point of view and understand why he doesn’t fear the idea of having kids.
Matthew expresses his concerns about having kids, focusing on significant life changes and increased responsibility. He mentions the fear of losing personal time, the constant demand for attention, and the potential claustrophobia associated with having a child.
Matthew is worried about not accomplishing everything he desires, especially related to travel and spending quality time with his partner, Audrey, before diving into parenthood. The fear is a combination of life-altering changes and unfulfilled personal goals.
Ali draws parallels between the fears of having kids and starting a business. He emphasizes that just like running a business involves continuous responsibility, people rarely regret starting one. Ali argues that the fear of change and responsibility exists in both scenarios but can be fulfilling.
The Fallacy of Predicting Happiness
Ali introduces the idea that humans are generally bad at predicting what will make them happy. He suggests that the fear of having kids is similar to the difficulty in predicting happiness in various life choices. Drawing on past experiences, he compares it to running a business, stating that people seldom regret having kids.
Ali interviews people who already have kids, particularly those who share similar rational and entrepreneurial traits. The consensus among them is that having children brings unexpected joy and a new perspective on life. Ali argues that learning from others’ experiences helps shape a more positive and rational view of parenthood.
Ali highlights the approach of “Optimizers,” individuals who project forward by speaking to those already in a particular life stage. He shares an example of a couple who started having kids early during the pandemic based on similar patterns observed in regretful decisions. Ali believes this method can help individuals make informed decisions about parenthood.
Matthew acknowledges the value of Ali’s perspective, especially for those who, like him, are dealing with mixed feelings about having kids. He appreciates hearing different viewpoints to challenge his own assumptions and potentially change his mindset.
Matthew expresses his admiration for Ali’s ability to synthesize information and make independent life choices. He commends Ali’s video, emphasizing the importance of choosing a path that aligns with personal values and happiness. The conversation concludes with gratitude and anticipation for future endeavors.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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