Relationships are many a dime a dozen, but finding a healthy, serious relationship has become challenging.
Why?
I do not know for sure either. It could be the ease with which we can swap partners because of online dating apps. Maybe the media we consume these days has made it seem cool not to be tied down. Or could it be that we are not good people.
That the good people are few and far in between and finding each other is like searching for a needle in a haystack the size of three continents.
I do not know.
But I know that there are some mistakes you can avoid in your serious relationship if you want to build a solid foundation for lasting happiness with your partner.
Hear me out.
Here are 7 Fatal Mistakes To Avoid in Your Next Serious Relationship
1. Being Afraid to Be Yourself
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of the gravest errors we can make in a serious relationship is failing to embrace our authentic selves.
Too often, we succumb to the pressure to mold ourselves into someone we believe our partner wants us to be, sacrificing our true identity in the process.
However, this facade is unsustainable and ultimately detrimental to the relationship’s long-term success.
Authenticity forms the bedrock of genuine connection, and suppressing our true selves only breeds resentment and disillusionment.
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.
Cultivate self-awareness and confidence in expressing your authentic thoughts, feelings, and desires. Celebrate your unique quirks and eccentricities, knowing that true love embraces the entirety of who you are. Remember, the right partner will cherish you for your authenticity, flaws and all. Do not settle for less.
…
2. Putting Your Partner on a Pedestal
“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
While admiration and adoration are natural aspects of romantic relationships, placing your partner on an unattainable pedestal sets the stage for disappointment and imbalance.
When we idealize our partners, we overlook their humanity, flaws, and imperfections, setting unrealistic expectations that no one can possibly meet.
Moreover, this pedestalization can lead to a power imbalance within the relationship, where one partner holds undue influence and authority over the other.
There is no “i” in team.
View your partner as an equal and a companion on your journey, with strengths, weaknesses, and complexities of their own. Embrace their humanity, celebrating their successes while also acknowledging their shortcomings. Cultivate mutual respect, understanding, and partnership, grounded in the recognition of each other’s inherent worth and fallibility.
…
3. Trying to Change Your Partner
“Love is accepting people for who they are, no matter what.” — Jillian Dodd
If you think change is no small feat, think of the last time you tried to change yourself. It could be a workout plan or dieting goal, or something as simple as writing and publishing something on Medium every day.
Just look at those ambitious goals you wrote at the start of the year.
It is hard to change, isn’t it? So why would you put that burden on yourself for someone else?
There is an analogy my dad likes to use about change and an egg:
Think of an egg that just got laid by its mother hen. When pressure to change comes from within, there is new life. When the pressure to change comes from outside, there is the death of the life that was within.
I find that analogy profound. I think it is worthwhile to inspire our partners to want to change by emulating the change we hope them to make. True love accepts and celebrates our partners for who they are, without seeking to impose our will upon them.
One of the most common pitfalls in relationships is the misguided belief that we can change our partners to fit our idealized image of who they should be.
Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on nurturing acceptance, compassion, and compromise within the relationship. Embrace their uniqueness and celebrate the qualities that drew you to them.
…
4. Making Assumptions About What They Want or Need
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw
A mistake many people make, myself inclusive, is falling into the trap of assuming we know what our partners want or need without actually asking them.
These assumptions can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and resentment, as we project our own desires and expectations onto our partners, rather than seeking to understand their perspective.
Effective communication is the lifeblood of any healthy relationship.
Take the time to actively listen to your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and validate their experiences without judgment or criticism. Ask clarifying questions, seek to understand their perspective, and express your own needs and boundaries with clarity and compassion.
…
5. Controlling Them or Their Life
I was once in the worst relationship ever. Mostly because I did not know it at the time, but my partner was a covert narcissist. I wrote about all the signs I should have seen, here.
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” — Ernest Hemingway
Control and manipulation have no place in a healthy relationship.
People succumb to the temptation to exert control over their partners, whether it’s through emotional manipulation, coercion, or outright domination. This behavior reduces trust and intimacy, and stifles personal growth and autonomy within the relationship.
Instead, recognize and celebrate each other’s independence, individuality, and freedom to make choices that align with their own values and aspirations. Cultivate a partnership based on equality, where both partners feel empowered to pursue their passions, interests, and goals without fear of judgment or reprisal.
…
6. Forgetting Your Own Friends and Family
“Family and friendships are two of the greatest facilitators of happiness.” — John C. Maxwell
I do not intend to reference the narcissist yet again, but being with him taught me a whole lot about what not to do in relationships. There was no one thing, it was a collection of things.
He did not want me to stay in touch with my family or to keep any friends. He said they stole love and attention that was rightfully his. Sigh. I know better now.
While it’s natural for relationships to become a central focus in our lives, neglecting our relationships with friends and family can have detrimental consequences. Our support networks play a crucial role in providing perspective, guidance, and emotional support outside of our romantic partnerships.
When we prioritize our relationships with our partners at the expense of these connections, we risk becoming isolated and dependent, placing undue pressure on our romantic relationships to fulfill all of our needs.
My suggestion is that you always make time for regular social interactions and activities with loved ones outside of your relationship, nurturing these connections and prioritizing their importance in your life. Have your own hobbies and space to recharge.
…
7. Ignoring Each Other’s Love Languages
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” — Carl Jung
I like this article about love languages by Natesky.
Love languages serve as the blueprint for how we give and receive love within a relationship.
People overlook the importance of understanding and honoring their partner’s love languages, leading to unmet needs and miscommunication. Whether it’s acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, or receiving gifts, each person has unique preferences and desires when it comes to expressing and receiving love.
Instead of ignoring your love languages, prioritize understanding and honoring both your own love languages and those of your partner. Take the time to explore and communicate your preferences openly and honestly, and make a concerted effort to express love in ways that resonate with your partner’s love languages.
Final Thoughts
I think any serious and healthy relationship needs mindfulness, self-awareness, and a commitment to growth and mutual understanding.
It also needs two people who are willing to do what it takes to give their relationship green flags and make it work. And that can be strengthened by avoiding common mistakes that would undermine the foundation of the relationship.
So, I hope as you go forward with your loved one, you will avoid any such mistakes that could compromise your relationship. Remember to tread carefully, communicate openly, and embrace the beauty of your love.
And Now Your Thoughts
Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash
