Sit With It

I Will Sit With Me And Heal

“Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Even though you want to run. Even when it’s heavy and difficult. Even though you’re not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling.”

-Dr. Rebecca Ray

This week, I am sitting with it. I am sitting with it, I am sitting with it, I am sitting with it. In fact, I am soaking in it. I’m bathing in it, even though I don’t want to. I want to get out of this tub. Or perhaps I want to sink in as deep as I can, let the water come over me, and never get out.

This is what depression feels like. It washes over you, but not in a cleansing way.

Or maybe it’s like a backdrop in a play: just sort of always there, hanging out in the background.

Then again, maybe it’s like the sun, up and out every day, shining bright, but behind it is the darkest, coldest, most infinite space.

That’s how mine shows up. Bright, ready, early. I put my Joker face on, push up my smile, and trudge ahead. I don’t allow myself to sit or rest because there is too much to do. There’s always too much to do.

I get on the calls, I turn on the camera, I show up. I present my plans and motivate others. I work fast and efficient because I’m concerned about what else is coming. I make the meals and tidy the house and put it all away. I can’t take the world off of my shoulders because who is going to hold it up?

Even all these mixing of metaphors is causing my anxiety to rise.

But then I come bounding back somehow. I laugh. I smile. I listen to some music or go for a walk. I lay in the grass or burn incense. I allow myself to rest, though not for long.

Why?

Because I have to keep moving. Right? I have to show the world that I can be sustainably productive, don’t I? I have to be the protector and the provider. I have to defend and shield, mustn’t I? I have to be strong and sensitive. Right? Right? Right?

No. I don’t. All I have to do, is sit with myself. Just be with me. I cannot worry about the past. It is set in stone, and there is nothing I can do about it, but learn from it. I cannot be concerned about the future because it is not here yet. And I certainly cannot rely on any one person, or two, or three, or four, or how ever many to make me happy. Nor can I make them happy.

And so, I won’t.

I will simply sit with it.

I will sit with me and heal.

It will take time, and when I’m healed, I will feel it.

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Photo by Fernando @cferdophotography on Unsplash