In Harvard Health Publishing, Understand the stress response (April 3, 2024), Howard E. LeWine, MD wrote that the fight or flight response evolved as a survival mechanism with the release of stress hormones in the body. In danger, we can either fight or take flight, run away.
In the danger, we can also freeze, don’t move, do nothing. I discovered that when I was 8 years old. I froze when Dad yelled at me and terrified me to my soul. No, I couldn’t run away. No, I couldn’t fight back, because Dad was bigger and stronger than me. So, I froze. I took whatever came my way. Childhood was my no-win scenario.
In Aikido practice, Ishibashi Sensei taught bokuto (wooden sword) technique. When the attacker strikes their bokuto, I wait it out. I enter the attack. I get under the attack, under the bokuto strike. I enter the danger.
With my bokuto raised above my head, I hold my position. I wait until the attacker’s bokuto is a couple inches from my head. I strike first coming over the top of the attacker’s bokuto. I end the attack or make the attacker move back. I create space. I make my own timing. There is no fight.
Under the attack, Ishibashi Sensei said, “Hold your position.” The safest place to be in under the attack, in the danger. Sensei said, “It’s fight or flight.” I choose.
Yeah, I could run away from the attack. Sensei said, “There is no fight.” O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s only me against me. I work on myself, not on the attacker.
My body is afraid. I train my mind to enter the attack. My body follows my mind. I wait out the attack. I take a glancing blow if I have to. It’s one time. I get under the attack. I hold my position. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. My fear inside when I was 8-year-old scared as hell of Dad.
Under the attack, I strike my bokuto first. I end the attack or make the attacker stand down. I open myself up. My fear inside may never completely disappear. Still, every time I enter the bokuto strike or the 250-pound man punching to my face, I let go more and more of my fear inside. I hold my position. Take a stand. I find my measure of peace within me.
I enter the danger, enter what I fear. I hold my position and open up. I let go my fear inside me.
In working with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression, I enter my fear of Dad as a little boy. I hold my position. I open up. I forgive myself for not being strong enough to stand up to Dad and protect Mom, because I was a little boy. I forgive Dad for not knowing how to be a father or husband, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too.
Someone used me until she could find someone, she could love. Finding someone to love is what we all want in life. I said, “I love you.” I held my position. I opened up. My fear inside was truth. I was not meaningful to her. I let it go. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do.
When I don’t know how to do something, I ask for help. I might look foolish or stupid for asking. Honestly, I really don’t care. I dare to fail bravely. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I free me.
I choose to fight, flight, freeze, or open up? I can run away from what I fear. I can freeze and do nothing. Neither resolves anything. There is no fight. It’s me against me. I enter what I fear. I hold my position. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I free me. I’m the only one who can. Amen.
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