In Sunday Aikido practice, Ishibashi Sensei had me train with two younger black belts. Both were bigger and stronger than me. That’s not very hard. I’m 5’3”. Maybe 5’4”, because I stand straighter from Aikido.
We practiced technique from kosa-dori where an attacker grabs my right wrist with their right hand or my left wrist with their left hand. We practiced ikkyo, nikkyo, sankyo, kotegaeshi (all wristlocks), iriminage (clothesline technique to the head), and a few other techniques. We practiced each technique for the right hand and the left hand. So, each person takes about 16 falls. Really, that’s much harder than it sounds.
The nage, the one attacked, throws the uke, the attacker. The uke gets up as soon as they can and attacks again. That’s the training. There’s the old samurai saying: Nana korobi ya oki, which means: Fall down 7 times, get up 8. I get up whenever I fall. Keep going. Keep attacking.
As we trained rigorously, the younger, stronger, bigger black belts gassed out, got tired. They had to stop. I was also tired, but I kept getting back up after each fall. I kept throwing them one at a time, too.
During the training, Ishibashi Sensei threw us as we attacked. Sensei saw that I was getting tired toward the end. He smiled, “Two more (throws).” I smiled back, “Hai.” I did it. I knew I could.
After practice, I told Sensei, “I shouldn’t be the strongest. They’re 20 years younger than me!”
Sensei smiled again, “Age has nothing to do with it.”
I’m 62 years old. Yeah, Sensei was right. I don’t train my body. I train my mind. My mind makes my body do what it needs to do.
Sensei said, “You gotta push them further… One more time.”
As Sensei said when he threw me, “Two more.”, the late Mizukami Sensei taught Ishibashi Sensei and me, “One more time.” When I think that I can’t go any further, when I want to give up, I say to myself, “One more time.”
Mizukami Sensei taught us Aikido over the years. He was Old School. Sensei taught us character. Character is having strength inside. That’s true strength. The physical strength on the outside really doesn’t matter. Character makes you a good man, a good person.
Over 10 years ago, I fell into clinical depression that sourced from my unresolved childhood fear of my Dad. Although I never contemplated suicide, I would go to sleep at night hoping that I would die before I awoke the next morning. When I got up the next morning, I thought, “Shit.” Then I would say to myself, “One more time.” One more time led to work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. In many ways, that saved my life. That gave me life.
For over 50 years, I gained mastery in hating on myself. I was very good at it. No, I couldn’t instantly start loving myself. But I could hate on myself less and less every day. I practiced that over, and over, and over, and over again. I got to the space: I’m okay. Whenever I fell down from my depression, I got back up. I’d say to myself, “One more time.”
In Aikido, Mizukami Sensei said, “Wait it out. Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of the Aikido is to release your fear.” I used what they ingrained in me. In therapy with Lance, I took my glancing blows for what’s meaningful to me. I let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough, my fear of Dad when I was a little boy, over, and over, and over again. One more time.
Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, open up to my childhood fear, I let go more of my fear inside me. It’s one more time. I’m quiet inside. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. My life is meaningful. I love my life.
It’s never too late, we’re never too old to become as great as we can be. My body ages and declines. That’s just the human design. That just life. I don’t train my body. I train my mind over, and over, and over again. I get back up whenever I fall down in life. It’s one more time. Amen.
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