Men Need Time

John Verling is a man of action, not emotion, and he would like others to understand that which he needs most. 

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My wife is on the phone to her sister. They are discussing the sister’s recent separation from her husband. As I listen, so much of what I hear is familiar: ‘he doesn’t talk’, ‘he doesn’t show any emotion’, ‘I don’t know what’s going on in his head’, and the very familiar ‘he’s not dealing with his emotions’. The narrative is one often heard—that not speaking is how many men deal with emotions, just as our fathers before us did the same as did their fathers before them. And for me, there is some truth to that narrative—men don’t show their emotions by talking, not immediately, but by doing. It may not be true of all men, but it’s true of me and many others I know. I’m never sure if it’s the best way of dealing with things, but is it the worst either?

We could stay analyzing things till the cows come home but not achieve anything. Men such as myself will talk when we’re ready, when the time is right, when we’ve gone over everything in our minds. Then and only then are we able to talk. Try to force us when we’re not ready will only result in one thing—clamming up and possibly never opening again. It’s a male thing, as far as I can tell, and the solution seems simple; give the man time otherwise couples may never get anywhere.

There’s a “but” here for the men and it’s a big one. If we are going to earn this right there is responsibility too. A responsibility to think about our problems, iron them out in our head, to use that time to get clear and ready, then we must talk. That’s the nub here; to talk when we’re ready, no sooner and no later but we men must talk, share our thoughts. Nothing has ever been achieved in the world without some discussion, timing being crucial to the success of those talks.

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The good side of this coin is the doing bit, showing our emotions through actions. This was obvious to me after a weekend just gone. As is not unusual in my life at the moment it was spent in the hospital. Our son Freddie, aged ten, is an epilepsy sufferer who is going through a particularly tough time with it at the moment. Sitting by his bedside in the ward I noticed how many men looked to be in a similar position as me. Men of all ages, shapes and sizes were sitting by the beds of their children, looking after them, being there for them. In the two days I was there the man opposite never said a word but it was obvious he loved his son and wasn’t leaving him alone there. At the end of the ward were a Polish couple with a teenage son who was in much pain. The father, a tough-looking eastern European, was constantly up and asking the nurses what was happening, telling the doctors his son was in pain. The man’s distress and love for his son was written on his face. In the private rooms there were infants needing isolation, but I could see fathers feeding them, changing nappies and holding their little hands. Of course the mothers were there, usually doing the longer shifts too, but it was the men I was observing; none of them said much but they were there.

It’s a distressing time for a parent as the helplessness is really upsetting, maybe more so for a man as caring is still seen as the mother’s expertise, but by just doing what we can, bringing food, walking the child; it’s our way of coping. As I was leaving one evening there was a group of men sitting on the broken beds outside the children’s ward, I recognised one as being the father of a very ill baby. It was a mixed bag of ages but the men were all with him, there for him. Their conversation was probably about anything except the child; football, horses, cars, you name it but it was helping him. None of them were saying I’m here for you but by their actions it was obvious. Passing them I wanted to say something but didn’t know how or what to say. Instead I nodded at one who caught me eye, he nodded back, we were in the same boat and we knew it, nothing was said, it didn’t need to be.

I often find I need a project to show what I can do, like many men who express themselves by deed rather than words. The men I know find something to do, occupy themselves in a project; it may as simple as sweeping the leaves but it gives them a worth, makes them feel they’re contributing in some manner.

It is an important factor for both men and women to recognize that men like me, the men of action, are often the ones who also need time to adjust to change. We like things to stay as they are, we are happy with the constant. When things do change we need to recognise that need but also we have to be given the time to catch up. How much time, I don’t know, probably not much, but one thing is certain, men need time.

Not all the time in world though….

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Photo: msvg / flickr