In Writer and Director James Mangold’s Logan (2017), Logan, who is the Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman, lies dying after saving Laura, played by 12-year-old Dafne Keen. Laura is virtually Logan’s daughter, having his Adamantium claws and immeasurable regenerative powers.
Crying Laura holds Logan’s bloodied hand. Logan says, “So this is what it feels like…” Laura says, “Daddy.” Logan passes away. Laura cries.
Watching in the dark movie theater, I cried, too. Logan got to feel love before he died. What we all want.
Wolverine/Logan is my all-time favorite superhero. In the comic books, Wolverine was 5’3” like me, and he was Badass. He was samurai. He fought fiercely with a code of honor. I was small like Wolverine. I trained for many years in Aikido to be a badass, the badass who doesn’t fight. Aikido Founder O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s only me against me. My Sensei, the late Mizukami Sensei was samurai. In Japanese, samurai means to serve. Sensei trained me to be samurai, to be a good man, to serve others.
In X-Men (2000), then unknown actor Hugh Jackman played Logan and Wolverine. No, he didn’t look like Logan. Hugh was 6’2” and handsome. Yet, he captured Wolverine’s samurai spirit. Like the samurai, Hugh nuanced Logan’s deep well of emotion and compassion inside. I’ve been a great fan of Hugh Jackman and his Wolverine ever since. They inspire me to be samurai, have honor and compassion.
In Writer and Director Shawn Levy’s Deadpool and Wolverine (2024), grown-up Laura, reprised by grown up Dafne Keen, reunites with Logan, played by powerful Hugh Jackman. He is not the Logan from her world. Still, it’s Logan.
Guilt ridden Logan feels sorrow for himself as he drinks a bottle of whiskey by the campfire. He tells Laura, “You might not know this kid. Apparently, I’m the worst Logan.”
Grateful Laura says, “I got to have a life, because of you. I got to grow up, because of you…”
With tears in his eyes, Logan says, “Trust me kid. I’m no hero. Whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.”
Later in the climatic narrative arc of Deadpool and Wolverine, Laura says, “You were always the wrong guy. Until you weren’t.”
I was always the wrong guy, since I was a little boy. Dad scared me to my very soul, since I could remember. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry with me. I wasn’t good enough for Dad. I wasn’t good enough for anyone. When I got older, I was the short fat ugly nerd, that no girl would ever give the time of day. Clearly, I was the wrong guy. I would never be good enough for any girl, for that matter anyone. Consequently, I spent a good deal of my adult life proving that I was more, proving that I was good enough to be loved. Yet, being more of anything would never be enough. That’s just the human design.
I trained in Aikido for over 30 years with the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei. Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei became a father to me, taught me what it is to be a good man. Taught me to become the right guy. I take a glancing blow for what’s meaningful in life. I’m not always going to get away scot-free.
Mizukami Sensei taught both Ishibashi Sensei and me. Ishibashi Sensei is my Sensei, my big brother. Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” He reminds, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” I enter the danger, enter what I fear. I hold my position. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I become the right guy.
I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I forgive my Dad for not knowing how to be a father and husband, for being afraid inside, for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. On my path to end suffering, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I become the right guy.
On The Good Men Project, I write about loving and forgiving thine own self. In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. Maybe, what I write helps others find their own path to end suffering, become the right person, too.
On my journey to fall madly and deeply in love with a woman, I’m the wrong guy. I’m 5’3”. I’m not handsome like Hugh Jackman. I’m not rich like him either. I’m kidding. Still, I’ve been used for not being good enough, for being the wrong guy. Sometimes that feels like an attack.
Kobayashi Sensei said, “Whoever attacks you is asking for your help.” They were looking for someone they could love, what we all want. Although I was the wrong guy. I do my best to help them find their right guy. I try to be samurai. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside with someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me.
I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I was always the wrong guy. Until I’m not. I just train. Who knows? Lightening could strike. Let the chips fall where they may.
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Photo by Jossuha Théophile on Unsplash
