[In this series, I want to paint a picture of ten different types of family systems, what it means to grow up in one of those family systems, and what you can do to deal with the consequences of having grown up in one of these families. Today we look at sad and anxious families. By the way, if you want to learn more about training to become a relationship coach, let me know at [email protected] and I’ll explain!]
Sad families make us sad and anxious families make us anxious. Of course, life isn’t quite that simple: sometimes we react to the fact that somebody in our family is always nervous, on edge, and worried about something by “refusing to worry,” by becoming a risk-taker, and in other ways trying to “fight off” the family anxiety.
Likewise, we may try to deal with the sadness in our family system by putting on a false smile and acting as if everything were perfectly fine—by becoming a Pollyanna—and, in the process, contract stomachaches, headaches, and other mental and physical distress as we try to fool ourselves into a happiness that we do not actually feel.
Because it is surprisingly difficult for a human being to openly admit to being sad or anxious, the sadness and anxiety in your family system may never be made explicit, either by the sad or anxious family members or by other family members who must deal with the consequences of this secret sadness and anxiety.
It is extremely rare, for example, for a parent to come home from work and say to his or her family, “I am feeling very sad today” or “I am feeling very anxious today.” What is considerably more likely is that the parent will start drinking, will find something around the house to be upset about, will demand that everyone be quiet so that he or she can start watching television, will shrink away for some private time, or will in some other way act out his or her distress without frankly reporting it.
How can all this unreported and unacknowledged anxiety and despair not negatively affect you and not infect you? And what if there is some sense, about which we currently know nothing and which may forever remain too elusive to effectively research, that you yourself were born a little sadder or a little more anxious than the next person?
What if you have the double challenge of dealing with family members, who may themselves have been born sadder or more anxious than average, and all their distress; and also, the contours of your own problematic original personality? If that’s the case—and it might be—then you are confronted by two separate but related challenges, the sadness and anxiety that are your birthright and part of your original personality and the sadness and anxiety that you have acquired and that are part of your formed personality.
What can you do if sadness and anxiety are circulating in your family system? You can manifest certain skills:
+ Be Smart. Both sadness and anxiety are part of the human picture and it is smart to accept their reality and to make the firm decision that you will deal with them openly, honestly, and with all the strength you can muster—a strength you may not feel if you are sad or anxious. Smartly accept the reality that anxiety and sadness afflict virtually every human being—these twin demons are not leaving our species any time soon.
+ Be Strong. The presence of sadness and anxiety in your family weakens all family members, who likely find themselves tiptoeing around, muffling their energy, and dimming their passion. To counteract this family tendency toward weakness, employ your strength skillset just as if you were in training for a marathon or an Olympic event, practicing your strength skills every day even if those around you are muffled and walking on eggshells.
+ Be Calm. If you’re dealing with a family made up of anxious family members whose jittery jibes and never-ending worries color your days, then you have the job of not falling into line with their anxious natures and the job of being diligent about practicing calmness in the midst of all that upsetting energy. If anxiety surrounds you, no skillset is more important to practice than your calmness skillset.
+ Be Aware. Notice what’s really going on around you. If your mother takes to her bed with some unnamed ailment, be aware that it may be despair and not illness sending her there. If your brother starts complaining about his teachers, be aware that he may be sad and despondent about his grades falling off. If your grandmother begins to make excuses about why she can’t visit often, look for the anxiety that creeps into old age. Look for the sadness and the anxiety that may be lurking or hiding in your family life—it’s going to be there much more often than you think!
+ Be Brave. If someone in your family is despairing but that despair hasn’t been named or acknowledged, you might want to bravely be the one to say to your mom, “Mom, you are so sad, you must try something” or the one to say to your brother, “Jack, I know how unhappy you are. Can we please talk about it?” It takes courage to say this, especially if the sadness is a family secret. But you can do it if you manifest your bravery skillset!
More to come!
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
