It was the mid-afternoon break during a mandated training for work I was attending. There was a tropical storm heading up the coast towards New York City everyone was talking about that would hit land the next day.
I took quick look at my Gmail on my phone to find an email from our travel coordinator that our train and flights could be cancelled the next day depending on the storm’s trajectory and its timing.
A few minutes later I shoot a short text to my partner saying hopefully I will be home tomorrow night but if the storm hits earlier than expected my train might be canceled and I’d have to stay over another night. I expect a response saying “Hopefully everything will be fine” or “Get home safe” or something along those lines. But instead when I read the text it says:
“Oh, so at the last minute your train’s getting canceled and you’re staying another night? Maybe so you can spend an extra night with whoever it is you’re with.”
I nearly dropped my phone. Seriously?!
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Being in a relationship with an insecure partner can be very tough. When you are accused of being unfaithful and you have done nothing wrong it can be hard to prove your innocence constantly.
You have not given your partner any indicators or any reason they should not be able to trust you, so why are they like this? And more importantly what do you do about it?
There are a couple of things are going on here. Those in a relationship who accuse you of cheating may have some baggage from prior relationships that likely have nothing to do with you. There are remants of hurt from a prior partner that has done damage and has not been healed and dealt with yet. This could be also because an ex cheated on them and now going forward they assume any new partner is going to be unfaithful as well.
Anxious attachment style can also be at play or a fearful avoidant attachment style where a fear of abandonment is being triggered. Many times a story is being played in their head of what’s happening, rather than the facts of the reality of what is actually happening.
Another major reason for falsely accusing a partner of cheating is insecurity issues. A person who is not secure in themselves isn’t confident about what qualities make them a good partner. They lack in self-love and because of it they accuse you of cheating, thinking you are going to stop loving them or find someone else.
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Once you try to determine the root cause of the problem of the falsely accusing you of cheating, then you can determine what would help ease their fears. Ask them directly why they are thinking you are not being faithful.
Are there any indicators that make them feel this way? Are you not sharing information with them such as your whereabouts? Are you being flirtatious with members of the opposite sex?
Ask them the reason they feel this way and show them you care and want to resolve their concerns.
Establishing trust and security in the relationship is paramount to lessening your partner’s accusations of infidelity. Share more information with them about where you will be, such as when can they expect you home. If something comes up let them know you will be delayed. If you can be more forthcoming this will reassure them you are where you say you are.
Reassure your partner you love them and you would not do anything to hurt them. Articulate that you have been faithful and will continue to be faithful to them in the relationship.
Spend some quality time together to show them they are important to you. Show them they hold an important place in your life by doing small gestures such as buying flowers, write them a nice note or card, pick them up a small token gift, or cooking them dinner. Acts of appreciation will go a long way in assuring them you love them and your fidelity to them.
You may have to set some standards if you are doing all that you can but your partner is not changing. Unhealthy behaviors such as trying to control you, invading your privacy such as checking your phone, restricting your personal freedom by telling you what you can and cannot do, showing up at your workplace unannounced etc. may be crossing your boundary. Communicate your boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate in these situations so your partner knows where you stand.
Encourage your partner to do the inner work for the issues affecting your relationship. You can provide reassure up to a certain point, but they also need to help themself with any insecurities or abandonment issues.
It may take a lot of time and patience to see a change but in time you should see things improve. Give yourself a timeline for the time you are willing to put in to work on the relationship.
If you have done all you can and you haven’t seen any changed you may have to re-evaluate if you want to stay in the relationship or not.
When your partner falsely accuses you of cheating this can be very exhausting especially if it is a regular occurrence.
With some patience, reassurance, and working together with your partner you will be able to hopefully find solutions to a healthier, more satisfying, and more fulfilling relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Kristina Flour on Unsplash
