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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Hello everyone, welcome back to the channel! I am Matthew Hussey, a coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence. I am widely known for helping people find love. Last week, I answered a whole bunch of questions that you had sent in and left in the comments, and we thought we’d do a part two of that video by having me do the same thing this week.
Before we get into the video, I would really appreciate it if you would like this video, subscribe to the channel, and hit the notification bell so that you do not miss the next video when it comes out. Also, I made a commitment a long time ago to deliver free content for everyone on an ongoing basis. One of the places I do that, in addition to this YouTube channel, is my ongoing newsletter. I send out a free newsletter full of advice, practical wisdom, and ideas that can help you find love or heal from lost love every Friday. Many of you have already signed up; it’s completely free! If you haven’t already, I’ll leave a link on the screen and in the description so you can join us in that too.
Tips for Starting a Long-Distance Relationship
Kelly Mares asks, “What are your top tips for starting a long-distance relationship?”
Firstly, be very careful about when you start calling it a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone online through apps and having a fun, flirtatious connection that starts to build. However, during that time, it probably isn’t the right thing to call it a relationship unless you’ve explicitly had that conversation. It would be strange to have that conversation too soon, and it could even be a red flag if someone is insisting on calling it a relationship right away.
After a certain period, when you both desire to start calling it a relationship, don’t let that desire turn into a reality in your mind without having discussed it. I’ve seen many people act as if they’re in a relationship—being exclusive, giving time, energy, and effort—when they never really had that conversation. It just became this assumption. If you feel you’re in a relationship, start by having the conversation to ensure you’re both on the same page. Ask each other, “Do we feel the same way?”
For you to continue giving of yourself, it would have to be on the basis that you’re both truly giving this a try as a relationship and that it’s an exclusive one. Once you set the ground rules and both agree to them, then you’re officially in a long-distance relationship. At that point, it becomes about how you navigate the difficulties of something that feels unnatural—trying to have an intimate relationship over a geographical distance.
You must have something to look forward to, like a date on the horizon when you’ll see each other. As the relationship progresses, there needs to be a vision for how you’ll solve the issue of distance sustainably. What does this look like in a year or two? Are you actually going to be in the same place? It doesn’t have to happen on day one, but there does have to be a gradual vision for how to address that challenge.
In the meantime, remember to mix up the energy you bring to the table. It’s easy to think, “I’m long-distance, so the kind of energy I give is going to be limited,” but it doesn’t have to be that way. Long in-depth conversations can become stale unless you’re also bringing flirtation and playfulness into the mix. Can you send a funny voice note, or watch a movie together and discuss it afterward?
Being together can mean more than just having conversations. Sometimes, you can just enjoy each other’s company while doing something together, which takes the pressure off.
Are You More Empathetic Now Due to Your Past Pain?
Glory Be Free asks, “Do you see a connection between the physical pain you endured and the newfound level of love and vulnerability you exude?”
Firstly, that’s a lovely compliment. For those who don’t know, I write in my new book, “Love Life,” about my journey with chronic physical pain that lasted for many years. Part of that is still present for me. It certainly cracked me open; every challenge we face offers an invitation to cultivate greater compassion—not just for ourselves, but for others as well.
When we go through challenges, we become more connected to what others experience.
My chronic pain taught me a lesson about acceptance and humility. I’ve realized that every struggle can help us empathize with what others are going through. So yes, while it may not be the only factor that made me more loving and vulnerable, I believe it did open the door to a depth of understanding that I hadn’t had before.
Why Do I Actively Look for Red Flags in My Relationship?
Marie Cooper asks, “Why am I so obsessed with looking for things wrong in my relationships?”
On one hand, it might be that you are more familiar with searching for drama than simply enjoying peaceful moments. This discomfort leads you to look for things that could go wrong, such as stalking your partner’s exes on social media, leading to jealousy and insecurity.
Consider your dating behavior as an old vinyl record with a well-established groove. When you go on a date, you put the needle on that record, and the same pattern plays again. This is what you’ve gotten used to, and now it requires conscious effort to choose a different path.
Maybe you’re conditioned to feel a certain anxiety or jealousy because that’s the pattern you’ve been following. However, remember that you have the power to change that pathway. Instead of anticipating every potential issue, focus on being the best version of yourself in your present situation and trust that you can handle anything that arises.
Advice for Dating Over 40
Grizzle 101 asks, “What tips do you have for dating in our 40s and 50s?”
I believe the principles I share apply at every age. What makes us attractive—sincerity combined with playfulness—doesn’t change. The fundamentals remain applicable regardless of age. If you’ve come out of a long-term relationship or divorce, the same active engagement applies.
As we get older, it’s easy for our lives to become routine and somewhat isolated. To open yourself up to new connections, consider what activities or environments you can engage in that bring you into contact with new people.
While dating apps can be handy, relying solely on them can be demoralizing if you don’t get the results you want. It’s essential to supplement that approach by putting yourself out there in the real world—attend events, join communities, or take up new hobbies.
It’s also crucial to recognize the narrative we tell ourselves about our dating prospects. Sometimes that narrative can feel discouraging, but consider how your outlook would change if you approached dating without the baggage of past experiences.
Moving On from Someone You Never Dated
Min Yuni says, “How do you move on from someone you never dated? The feelings are so strong that it feels like something is dying inside.”
I’ve spoken extensively about this in my book “Love Life.” A significant point I make is that we often place value on the wrong things. A real relationship is so much more than the story we invent about someone’s importance in our lives.
Instead of projecting an imagined future with someone, focus on the present and the reality of what you have. Your feelings of despair likely stem from the importance of the story in your mind, rather than the reality of the situation.
Once you realize this, you can start to separate the imagined narrative from the reality. It is not the person causing your pain; it’s the story you’re telling yourself that does.
Why’d They Change Their Mind About Being Relationship-Ready?
Anna asks, “Why did a guy tell me he wants something serious, and then suddenly say he’s not ready for a relationship?”
There could be many reasons for this shift. Perhaps he got caught up in the excitement of the initial connection, but when it became real, he wasn’t actually prepared for a committed relationship. It’s better that this realization came two and a half months in than after a year.
Sometimes, people might express feelings of wanting something serious due to immaturity, particularly if they sense that being in a relationship is what you want. If their feelings overwhelm them, they may retreat.
Alternatively, he may have realized over time that the relationship wasn’t right for him. It could be unrelated to you; people often struggle to communicate that they’re not ready or that things aren’t compatible.
Understand that if someone makes their intentions clear, your task is to assess the situation and consider how you might want to do things differently next time. Did you bring your best self, and if not, what can you learn from this experience?
If the answer is “yes,” and you feel you were misled, it might be time to grieve the disappointment and refocus on finding the right person who’s ready for real commitment.
For those of you dating right now, I encourage you to check out “Dating with Results.” It’s a free training that can help you seek healthy, mature partners ready for real relationships.
It seems we have one more question from Audrey: “Who is more tidy, you or me?”
It’s definitely me! Although she has a somewhat inflated perception of her own tidiness. Regardless of the debate, we appreciate you joining us and sharing your thoughts.
Leave us a comment, and I look forward to reading them. See you soon! And here’s a video I think you’d like—just click here.
Anyway, click the video now!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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