Terrified of Being Treated Well

I just assumed I was meant to date older men, 26F. Society basically told me it was okay, in fact, normal to seek maturity in someone a few years my senior. So, I did. My dating history is riddled with men two to four years older, sometimes way older; the last one was 40. Honestly, it was a total disaster. Got ghosted, gaslit, sexually assaulted, and physically abused. I didn’t know any different for a very long period of time. I just got used to feeling anxious and hurt in a relationship, so I told myself that it was normal. I became so numb to the pain that I nearly started to feel comforted by it because it was familiar.

Then it all changed when I met this person via dating apps. Much younger than me, he was 21, and that did throw me initially. The age gap kind of made me apprehensive, but there was something about him that told me just to take the chance. On our first date, he was upfront with his intentions about what he wanted from the relationship and did ask me what I was looking for as well. He stated his intention right from the beginning, and that made me feel safe for the first time.

No mental games, no fights, no fear of getting hit in the face. It’s like walking into a peace dream. We only see each other once a week, but every time feels like a fairytale. He is very considerate of my well-being and always asks me if I am comfortable, especially with anything physical. It’s so refreshing, yet it scares me to death.

You see, I never felt this way before. The years of mistreatment made me feel that that’s how things should be. Coming from a physically and sexually abusive home, this was the opposite. This guy was treating me nice, and it scared me. It made me question everything. Was I ever supposed to be abused? Am I to feel this good?

As much as I want to enjoy this new relationship, deep down, I’m always on edge. What if this is some temporary bliss? What if in days to come he ghosts me out of the blue like others? Each beautiful day shared together leaves me with questions: Can this really be some fairytale? It’s just too good to be true. I should be happy; instead, the thought of losing this perfect treatment is overwhelming.

I’m scared of being treated right, because that just makes me really acknowledge how wrong my past relationships were. And not knowing what’s next is good for a few nights sans sleep.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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