“Turns Out He Could Change . . . Just Not for Me.”

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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

They Changed for the Next Person but Not Me

This is one of the most painful experiences you can go through in your love life. Leave me a comment if this has happened to you. You and another person parted ways because of changes they couldn’t make. Then, once you were broken up, they made those changes for someone else.

The pain of this is profound and exquisite. When we were with that person, we consoled ourselves with the idea that we just wanted different things or that this person was incapable of being what we needed. However, that comfort disintegrates when we learn that they were capable of change and did make that change—they just did it for someone else. This cuts to the core of our self-worth. Suddenly, we find ourselves thinking, “What’s wrong with me?”

An Introduction

I am Matthew Hussey. Welcome back to the channel or welcome for everyone who is new. I am the author of the New York Times best-selling book *Love Life*. For the last 17 years, I have been helping people raise their standards, find their person, and live happily, no matter what.

Let’s talk about this phenomenon: they changed, but they just didn’t change for us. I want to address this using a question from one of my Love Life members during our live sessions. After I read this question, we will get into the answer in three parts. By the way, if you’re enjoying these answers and want the opportunity to get coached by me directly, consider joining the Love Life Club.

In the Love Life Club, you essentially make me your coach for your love life for the next year. We have masterclasses, live Q&As, meetups, and a suite of incredible resources designed to help you make the progress you’re seeking in your love life. If you’d like to learn more, go to loveifclub.com, and I hope you become part of our community.

What Could I Have Done Differently?

Here’s the question from Suzan:

“What do I do when I have always told myself that this man won’t change and that I have to accept that he doesn’t want to commit? After ending contact with me, he did change. He got into a relationship, even though he always said he didn’t want one. On top of that, he had a baby with his new girlfriend just a few months ago. I find it hard not to think that he could change—just not for me. I would be very happy to get some ideas on how to deal with this.”

This is the hard part, isn’t it? Those horrible thoughts of “I could have said something different” or “Maybe I could have done something different.” What did they say and do that I failed to say and do? This is difficult because it cuts to the core of our self-worth. It can erode our self-esteem going into the next relationship.

There are three important things I want to say about this today.

 1. Don’t Assume the Change Is Real

First, we have to be careful not to assume that the change is real. From a distance, it’s easy to watch someone seemingly flourish in a new relationship. Often, the only information we have comes from friends, mutual contacts, or what we see them posting online. We get a snapshot that triggers us in all the worst ways.

But that snapshot, that little gossip we heard or that picture of them with their new partner on Instagram, is not a true reflection of their relationship. Remind yourself that you know no more about their relationship than anyone else did about yours the week before you broke up.

No one knows what’s going on behind the curtain of a relationship. Don’t assume that change came easily to this person. What we may be seeing is a superficial form of progress. Their fundamental nature hasn’t necessarily changed, nor have the things that bothered us. They likely carried those issues into the next relationship, and whatever deeper work they need to do is still very much a work in progress.

When I think about this, I remember not to measure too quickly. In a sense, we shouldn’t be measuring at all because it’s not our life anymore. Their story is no more relevant to yours now than that of a random barista in a coffee shop in a town you’ll never visit.

What if what they’ve now found is great? What if it does stand the test of time? Let’s be clear: we don’t want to waste our lives hoping that someone else’s relationship fails just because they hurt us. That would be a tremendous waste of our lives and a toxic mindset to have towards someone else.

2. If It Is Real, Then They Weren’t Your Audience

Now, if the change they’ve made was real and if the relationship does last, then don’t sweat it. They weren’t your audience. This person was not for you; they were for someone else. Your audience is still out there.

Instead of getting caught up in “they must be better,” recognize that it’s not about who’s better. It’s about who your voice lands with. I think about this all the time when I make YouTube videos. Someone might pass by and decide my video isn’t for them. They may find another speaker they resonate with. Does that make that person better than me? Not necessarily. It might just be that something about that other person’s voice resonates with them for reasons I may never understand.

My job is to refine my voice, lean into my strengths, and make what I do as good and true to me as possible. If I do that, the people who resonate with me will understand my essence, something that can’t just be replaced. Focus on finding your audience and be the best version of yourself.

3. Are We Distracting Them from Our Value?

Now, what if you’re listening and you can’t shake the thought that it’s not just this particular case? What if every time you feel like you’re the person before someone changes for someone else? I often hear people say, “I’m always the person before the person they marry.” What do you do when you feel that way?

This brings up point number three: is there something we’re doing in our love lives that is distracting others from our intrinsic value? I believe we all have incredible value that wants to emerge, and part of our job is to get out of the way so that others can see how amazing we are.

At some point, we may have behaviors that distract people from recognizing our true value. These can make us frustrating, abrasive, or difficult to be around—getting in the way of genuine connections. It’s worth exploring what those behaviors are, as they can consistently hinder us from finding love.

Many people walk around completely unconscious of their fatal flaw. They never explore it, and that’s understandable; it can be terrifying. What could I be doing that contributes to why people consistently don’t choose me? It’s a brave question to ask, and I commend anyone who can ask it.

A Brave Question

I recently worked with a small group of people in my *Club 320* program, and one member asked me a brave question: “Matthew, what do you see as my biggest weakness?” I was moved by her bravery in seeking honest feedback. When I told her I would be honest, she listened intently—not that I was necessarily right, but listening is powerful.

We should all be inspired by that courage and ask those we trust: “What behaviors do you see in me that might be distracting people from recognizing my value?” Encourage them to be brave in their responses; you want true honesty rather than reassurance.

You don’t have to ask just one person; you could ask three people who know you well enough to understand your habits and how you show up in relationships. Pay attention to what they say. Are there repeating themes that might indicate a pattern? This feedback is invaluable.

When we discover these patterns, we might initially think, “Oh no, I have something holding me back.” However, we can reframe this: “This is a valuable lesson. I’m now aware of what’s been getting in the way of others seeing how great I truly am.” Remember, you’re not alone in this. I’m also planning to ask people I trust about my weaknesses and constructive feedback.

If You’ve Made It This Far…

I commend you for getting this far in the video because this isn’t a frivolous discussion about how someone changed for someone else. You deserve better.

Don’t assume the changes they’ve made are real or that the new relationship will last as you think. If it does last and is real, that means the person wasn’t right for you; you weren’t their audience. But guess what? Lean into your own voice, and you will find your audience. That relationship will stick for you.

Never be afraid to explore the things that could be holding you back. If you do this, you will become more powerful, because this is what 99% of people are never brave enough to do.

Being the Hero of Your Own Story

At its essence, this video is about being the hero of your own story. As long as we’re focused on an ex or the person they are dating, we’re making someone else the hero in a movie that’s about us.

Let’s put the focus back on ourselves. No one can stop us from having an amazing life filled with love. We have the opportunity to create so many possibilities that we won’t look back on those relationships that once felt irreplaceable. We are the authors of our own happiness.

For those of you joining me in a couple of weeks in Florida for my retreat, I can’t wait to share six days of everything I know about how to create an extraordinary life. If you still want to join, there’s time left before we reach the finish line. Go to MHretreat.com to sign up.

I hope to see you there, and I look forward to seeing all of you in next week’s video. Be well and love life!

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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