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Transcript Provided by YouTube:
00:01
outside of my urban apartment wall is
00:04
surrounded by an impressive mode of
00:05
strip malls Starbucks and four rings of
00:07
suburbs the wilderness lurks is the
00:10
Midwest angry and untamed kamikaze deer
00:13
hurtled themselves into compact cars
00:15
while wolves run wild and Eagles strip
00:17
flesh from fresh fish lumbering
00:20
throughout the forest blanketing this
00:21
part of the world bears sniffed the air
00:23
for honey beer and human flesh intent on
00:27
seasoning and consuming humans
00:28
ultimately washing them down with a nice
00:30
cold brew a few years ago a bear drank
00:33
36 cans of Rainier beer but wouldn’t
00:36
touch beer brew by Bush obviously any
00:39
beer with a taste for a particular type
00:40
of beer who can still identify which is
00:42
which after his 35th is more intelligent
00:44
than we give him credit for there are
00:47
people hundreds of thousands of people
00:49
who drink Bush and Bush Lite and
00:51
absolutely terrible beer by all accounts
00:53
thus proving themselves less intelligent
00:55
embarrass just as I would not go to a
00:58
bar where people regularly drink bush I
01:00
would not go to a forest where a bear
01:02
might identify me as a viable source of
01:04
good beer which I tend to be I’ve read
01:07
from a well-known source Fox News like
01:09
in its unbiased accuracy that the
01:11
preferred form of sustenance for bears
01:13
is human face a bear will eat your face
01:16
and not even care there have been many
01:18
recorded cases of bears killing people
01:20
by eating only their faces drinking all
01:22
of their imported beer and lumbering
01:24
away never to be seen again
01:26
these are people who spend much of their
01:28
lives camping fishing and hunting people
01:30
who contribute to the World Wildlife
01:32
Federation and own Global Positioning
01:34
Systems these are the kind of mountain
01:36
men and women who could solve their own
01:38
arms if necessary I on the other hand
01:41
hyperventilate when I see geese hissing
01:43
at me from behind their angry one-eyed
01:44
stare and I’m petrified by paper cuts
01:49
why then put myself in the backyard of a
01:51
six to eighteen hundred pound predator
01:53
I’ve done very little physical activity
01:56
in my life and as such imagine myself to
01:58
be tender and delicious I’ve been told
02:01
that bears can run upwards of 100 miles
02:03
per hour and some have even been known
02:05
to fly often in the wild people point to
02:08
what they assume is a squirrel in a tree
02:10
only to realize through lei that is a
02:12
bear on the hill in the dish
02:13
which then closes the gap between the
02:15
two of them at 100 miles per hour to
02:17
viciously devour face
02:21
[Applause]
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This post was previously published on YouTube.