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As long as human beings have been walking the earth, we’ve been falling in and out of love, coupling and uncoupling. You’d think that after many a millennia of having relationships, at this point, we’d finally be able to figure out the complexities of love. And it doesn’t seem to matter where in the world we live, what language we speak, advancements in technology, whether we live an agrarian life or are part of the corporate world, what our socioeconomic status is or what our ideology is. Humans continue to struggle to figure out the right mix to make a relationship last.
Many statistics suggest that the average relationship lasts less than three years. If relationships, even marriages, tend to have a shorter lifespan than a car, what are we doing wrong? Are we falling in love too quickly, moving too fast, allowing frustrations to fester? Are societal, job and familial pressures too much?
Is it just as simple as we’re speaking two different languages? Or, are people playing games?
Apostle Dr. Miz Mzwakhe Tancredi is a pastor in South Africa. He has counseled many couples in his ministry and has reached millions more in the world through his writings and online teachings. He has authored several books, including Command Your Success, How to See Angels, Why Men Fail Women & Why Women Fail Men and The Meaning of Dreams.
When Dr. Tancredi speaks about relationships and marriage, he speaks from experience. He credits God with his wisdom and the life-altering encounters that affirmed God’s divine calling on his life to lay the foundations of the gospel.
Dr. Tancredi is indeed a man of God, but he also is a practical man with practical advice for people who struggle to maintain relationships. “Sometimes,” Dr. Tancredi explains, “people have been so damaged in life that they’re not serious about reconciliation but about playing games with people’s emotions. That’s not love or a true desire to reconcile. That’s manipulation and humans are very adept at this. Sometimes they’re aware of these games but sometimes they’re not.” Dr. Tancredi recently shared advice to women who may be confused why their man is returning.
If you recognize yourself in these scenarios, Dr. Tancredi has some words of wisdom about how to break this cycle and do better by women.
1. She Doesn’t Need You and Can Move on Without You
For all the posturing men do, the fact is, men’s egos can be surprisingly fragile. You all feel things as deeply as women, but societal norms tell us that it’s not OK for men to cry or express emotions. According to Dr. Tancredi, seeing an ex happy and that she’s moved on can cause men to try and disway her from shutting that door for good. However, Dr. Tancredi advises, “this isn’t love, it’s about jealousy and strengthening the ego. Men have to look deeper inside themselves to understand what really caused the rift and work to repair it.”
2. Nothing Says Desirable Quite Like Success
Is it love or the belief that she’s moved on and is thriving without you that gets some men to wake up? Moving on suggests she no longer needs you, which Dr. Tancredi believes can instill fear and jealousy in men. This is particularly true of men who ceased seeing the value their woman brought to the relationship but only recognizes it after she’s gone.
3. He’s Testing You
Some people love to play games. Dr. Tancredi believes that sometimes a man will test the waters to see if he can come and go as he pleases. When he sees that he can disrespect his woman once and she accepts it, he can fall into a trap of repeating the behavior. And if the woman continues to accept the behavior, it becomes a revolving door of disrespect. “One of them has to break the cycle. This isn’t love. This is control. He’s priming you for an endless roller coaster of emotions. The more you let him back in, the better the odds he can break your self-esteem. He’s testing to see if he still has access to you.”
4. He’s Bored with the Person He Left You For or The Person He Left You for Has Lost Interest in Him
In Dr. Tancredi’s experience, when a man abruptly ends a relationship or it ends without explanation, it’s often the case that he has moved on to someone else. And if he returns as mysteriously as he left, either she lost interest in him or he lost interest in her. As Dr. Tancredi explains it, “He’s not coming back because he misses you or realizes his mistake. He’s coming back because things didn’t work out. He doesn’t necessarily want you, but access to you in the absence of the relationship that didn’t work out. He’s not capable of being alone, so returning is easier. But these situations rarely work out.”
5. Sex for Control and/or Ownership
Dr. Tancredi believes many men use sex to establish dominance or even ownership. He routinely advises women that sometimes a man will add the names of their prior relationships to a list that he’ll revisit and see which women he was successful at exerting control over. Women can remove their names from his list by refusing to allow him back into their lives.
6. Regrets and Sometimes They Are Genuine
Not everyone who plays games is even aware why they do it. Sometimes, it’s caused by unresolved family trauma, a prior relationship that ended in betrayal or both. And regardless of why relationships end, there is generally regret. Even when there’s regret, Dr. Tancredi advises women to examine why the relationship really ended, to avoid the emotional roller coaster of repeated reconciliations. “It makes no sense to return to a relationship when you’re not completely certain why things ended.”
Apostle Dr. Miz Mzwakhe Tancredi believes that when couples want to learn the source of their struggles and reconcile, they can do well to seek spiritual counseling. “Many people are psychologically and emotionally damaged. Despite past trauma or betrayal, people can break the cycle and have successful relationships when they put their faith in God and seek counsel from one of His ministers.”
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This content is brought to you by Sarah Ratliff
Photo provided with permission from Dr. Miz Mzwakhe Tancredi.
