Everyone loses in divorce. But in many ways the dad in the equation typically loses more and much faster than any other member. It doesn’t have to be this way. In my opinion, 50/50 parenting with no child support should be the norm. It’s not what I go, even though I asked for the 50/50 split regardless of the money. That’s not what my then-wife wanted and her lawyer had told her what she’d get if we went to court, so we started negotiations there. It sucked. It was unfair. And as the dad, I lost everything in a single stroke of the pen.
In Texas courts, seven years ago I was handed a divorce I didn’t want with a schedule that was unfair, and a financial burden that continues to make my life very difficult. It’s just the standard deal given to men when divorcing in this state. The mom gets the kids, the house, and the money. Period. You can fight it, and you might win, but that’s going to cost you more money and turn an amicable divorce into a contested divorce.
I took the idea of a collaborative divorce to heart. But in the end there was no collaboration. I lost all my issues. All that “collaborative” meant was that I wasn’t going to sue my soon-to-be-ex during the negotiations of our divorce. That was my mistake. I was trying to be the nice guy, the stand up dad, the conscious one. And I believe we were both trying to do what was best for the kids, in our own minds. But society has this idea that a mom’s love is more valuable than a father’s love. Maybe 25 years ago, when the man typically worked as the sole breadwinner and the wife was a stay at home mom. You can see how that family system might make sense after divorce as well. But that’s not the financial society we live in today.
If I want to rent a small apartment, one bedroom, no space for my kids to sleep over, I’m going to first have to pay the child support, $1,350 after taxes and their healthcare, $550 after taxes. THEN if I have money left over I can eat and pay for cellphones and gas. And then, if I have a really fucking great job, I have the money left over to think about rent. Whereas my ex-wife got a house with mortgage payments that are significantly lower than my child support payments. How is that balanced? It’s not. There’s nothing fair or balanced about divorce. Dad’s prepare to get screwed or fight for your right both to your kids and to the financial arrangement that is equitable.
It can get worse. Once I got a month behind on my child support, because I had lost a large client in my freelance business, my then-ex filed with the Attorney General’s office to begin proceedings to collect the child support she was owed. Less than 45 days in, she put me in a losing battle with the state’s attorneys who behave like collections agents. Their most fun technique is to freeze your bank account. All outstanding checks and charges bounce and you pay those fees. And you pay for the privilege of having a lien put on your account. The first time it happened I was eating dinner at a restaurant with my kids. My card was declined. I was surprised. I pulled up my phone app and saw that I was $43,645 overdrawn. Luckily my daughter had just been given some cash for an upcoming vacation. I had to borrow money from my 10 yo daughter to pay for dinner. That was pretty humiliating. Of course, I couldn’t tell the kids, “Your mom is the reason this happened.” I had to make up some excuse about a bank error.
And today, seven years later, she’s still got the AG’s jackbook on my throat. Everyday, she wakes up and decides not to call off the AG and resolve the matter between us. Everyday she puts my credit and masculinity up on the wall as a “dead beat father.” And she has made this decision everyday now for over five and a half years. We get close to an agreement and she always backs out. We get close to meeting with the AG’s office to reduce my payment, and there’s always a problem with her schedule. For two years I’ve been trying to get her to meet with me so we can set a more reasonable child support payment based on what I make. And she’s stalled every time. “I’m so sorry, I can’t make it.” And I have to ask the AG’s office for another meeting and it goes back to being scheduled six months later.
Divorce is a bitch. There is not two ways about it. But it does not have to be a war. My ex-wife puts me on the losing end of the deal everyday. Not because she needs the money. Not because she thinks I won’t pay her. But because it gives her some satisfaction that the AG’s office is running my finances until both kids turn 18. Well, if you’re in this situation and just beginning your divorce journey, lawyer up and ask for 50/50 with no child support. You pay for them when you’ve got them and you split the bills. That’s the only fair way to go. I support you in getting time with your kids and a reasonable financial arrangement that doesn’t cripple your future.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
image: dad with kids, creative commons usage
Very biased “poor me” essay, not true “The mom gets the kids, the house, and the money. Period.” Divorce laws vary from state to state, income levels, age, length of marriage, assets held before marriage and NOT co-mingled etc., all factor into separation agreements. Stop generalizing and trying to incite what would amount to a “get out of jail free” card for men while leaving women with the responsibility for single handedly managing a two person job not to mention the damage to the offspring. Seriously, no child support? If both parties work, child support is expected from both and… Read more »
Personally I have been following family law for several years, and I think it is time for armed resistance. I promise your our forefathers would not have sat back and accepted this sorry state of affairs.
Hi. I would like to speak to you outside of this forum. [email protected]
I agree. I’m a single mother of 2 young boys that get no child support and yet I get everything done with zero help. I’m dating a guy who gives $2500 every month to his ex for their 3 kids. He rents a room that is dirt cheap that you see molds on the ceiling and he drives an old Toyota that he has to kick the front bumper so the lights will turn on at night. He does this so he can save for a house, a new car and the kids’ college fund. She keeps asking for more… Read more »
I’ve been following you for a while and as a divorced dad myself, I know it can suck. You’ve been saying the same thing for the past three years.
You need to take her back to court. You need to try and get the things you need. Writing and whinging about it is not going to change anything. It sucks, we get it, but you need to take some action man.
I commented below and I agree wholeheartedly, fathers are just as integral to emotional development of their children. Additionally, if you are being treated unfairly by the court system you could be the precedent that could affect positive change. Good luck.
Clearly you’ve never fought this battle … and I pray you never will have to. Texas may be saving their neighbors that are flooded but if you happen to be behind on CS, want more time with kids, think the distance your crazy ex moved away (being required to keep the kids residents in the state doesn’t do much good when the state is Texas … ) or your kids want to live with you, we’ll that means taking the tiny pay check you have after cs, insurance, taxes, rent to pay for a lawyer … up front. Even then… Read more »
I agree, it can be a losing battle. You try to do the right thing and be a stand-up guy, but the system is so stacked against you that it’s impossible, then everyone points their fingers at you and says “deadbeat dad!” We need a more equitable and fair system. The one we have now doesn’t work.
How about as the mom who took her ex husband’s pleas and promises of a 50/50 arrangement to heart and was lied to? I feel for people who go through divorce, it’s hard on everyone and people are vindicative and mean, it’s not a man or a woman thing. But from my perspective, men make promises then slowly slink away doing less and less all the while wanting the be called worlds greatest dad and putting their kids in the middle. It’s not fair to cast either gender in such a negative light, that was just MTV experience with that… Read more »
But it is a man or woman thing overall. Women get the vast, vast majority of primary custody of children over men, and they get ~93% of all alimony, to boot. Their false accusations and perjury are not prosecuted and culturally, domestic abuse of a man by a woman is a laughing matter generally, not a legal one. The National Association of Women Lawyers crafted the basis of family law in the US . The National Organization for Women consistently lobbies against shared parenting legislation and in favor of outdated lifetime alimony statutes. Hopefully these women’s organizations will see the… Read more »