Craig Playstead says that despite what you think, divorce is astronomically expensive, will wreck your family, and puts you through hell.
“The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it’s over.” – Nicolas Sparks
After twenty-five years of friendship, twelve years of marriage, three kids, two dogs, one cat and three houses, I got divorced last year. Divorce doesn’t feel like you think it would, and it’s not at all like people tell you. It was the reason I couldn’t write, the reason I had a hard time going to work and the reason I questioned everything about life.
While I’ve made peace with it in my own way, it’s something that you should avoid at all costs. The grass is not always greener. Your kids will suffer no matter how well you think you’ve worked it out, your friends will suffer and your family will suffer. Most of all, you will suffer in ways you never thought – even if you’re the one pushing for it. It really is a tragedy on par with a death in the family.
Here are the things people fail to tell you about divorce:
There are no amicable divorces. If anyone says they had an amicable divorce, they’re lying. It’s the most personal thing a person can ever go through and you will feel attacked, sad and incredibly insecure through most of it.
You’ll miss between 50-75% of your kid’s lives. At best, as a man you’ll get 50/50 (unless your wife smokes crack and juggles chain saws while cooking dinner). That means you’re going to miss 50% of the rest of your kid’s childhood, and that’s the best case scenario. I just missed a trip that my kids took to Disneyland last month. I couldn’t find my heart for a week. It’s always in the last place you look.
Divorce is incredibly selfish. I shouldn’t need to explain this, but if you’re not sure read this article by Penelope Trunk. Powerful.
You will lose control of your kids. In its most basic explanation, when you divorce the state basically says that you can’t be trusted to know what’s best for your kids anymore, so they will get involved—forever. They need to know where those kids are at all times until they’re eighteen. That monitoring has different levels, but you’re no longer in charge. If the state were Adam Carolla it would say: “you fucked up your family so we can’t trust that you won’t fuck up your kids too. We’re going to keep an eye on things for the next decade or so.”
Do not, under any circumstances get lawyers involved. There is nothing scarier than the family court system. And if you hire a lawyer, you dramatically raise the chance that you’ll find yourself there at one time or another. It is hell. You’d have a better chance getting the outcome you’d like by getting drunk and playing Russian roulette. You just never know.
If you don’t believe me, read this piece on divorce in the state of Washington. It will not only scare you, you won’t sleep tonight. However, sometimes you don’t have a choice and need the help of a lawyer.
Ask yourself if you’re ready to be replaced. You will be replaced by some guy your spouse chooses and he will enter your kid’s world. Even if you’re not truly replaced, you’ll sure feel like you are. Wait until he takes your boys fishing or buys them something you can’t afford because of what the divorce costs you. The ghost of William Wallace will fill your gut and it will take everything you have in you not to storm the castle.
You will be financially ruined. Most guys I know either claimed bankruptcy or got damn close to it. No one tells you this, but it’s true. You know those old guys greeting people at Walmart in their 70′s? They got divorced in their 40′s (actually I made that up, but it could be true). It’s a lot like remodeling your house. Whatever you think it will cost you, double it – then double it again. Oh, and it will take twice as long. Most people say it takes about three years to bounce back.
You may not miss her, but you will miss your family. And it will be the things you don’t expect: watching TV on the couch, fighting with the kids in the car, dinners that go horribly wrong and days where nothing ever happens. Instead of that, you’ll be trying to reinvent your life. Most likely in an apartment … with no pool.
You’ll get caught up in the swirl. Lawyers get a bad rap, and in some cases it’s justified. However, you hire them to protect you … from your spouse. Plain and simple. When you start listening to them, your family, your friends and everyone else you get all fired up and lose sight of what needs to happen: your kids need to be taken care of.
Don’t “burn down the house.” If you really think divorce is the only answer, don’t lie, cheat or ruin your spouse. This will destroy any trust between you and her during the divorce. Divorce proceedings that lack trust will ruin your life. It will cost tens of thousands of dollars (or hundreds of thousands); you’ll lawyer up and find yourself in court. Be honest, come clean, give and see it from their side and you might make it without sinking the ship.
The last thing I’ll mention is that I truly believe couples don’t work hard enough at marriage. The highs are really high and the lows are extremely low, but most will come out the other side if they stick it out and put their family first. One thing that’s easy to forget is that your marriage should always come before your kids, not after.
And what is true love? It’s loving someone when they least deserve it. That’s how you push through.
Previously published at “Shake Your Foundation” blog.
Photo credit: Flickr / justin
4 June 2014 What a claim to make; that there are no amicable divorces. My sister in law left my brother, taking only the clothes she was wearing. She walked away from one kind of life, into one that better suits her, and my brother is all right. I left my husband, and left him everything, the house, all of it and refused alimony or whatever it is called. Never looked back, and have no interest in him today. There are other couples who have done what is right for them, rid themselves of an unwanted burden and moved on… Read more »
It was the best decision I ever made.
Good point. The worse the ex acts, the better off you are without that person in the long term.
Why the (sic) for hellacious? Did I spell it wrong?
No, you did not! Sorry — I take that sic back! 😉
In most cases, it’s the wife who asks the husband for divorce, so a man may not have a choice in working things out instead of getting divorced. Of course divorce tears the hearts out of men. That’s often the whole point. In some cases the wife is asking for divorce precisely BECAUSE it’s such a hellacious experience for the husband. (She seldom escapes getting burned herself, of course.) I noticed that quite a few of the points talked about what happens with the children. Would it be safe to assume that divorce is generally smoother if the two spouses… Read more »
Actually, if you don’t have kids, you’re more likely to divorce, as I wrote about here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/are-childfree-couples-doo_b_913051.html. Couples often stick it out (unhappily) because of the kids. But, yes, if you don’t have kids, divorce is often easier, legally and financially if not necessarily emotionally.
But honestly, I don’t know any woman who would ask for a divorce “precisely BECAUSE it’s such a hellacious (sic) experience for the husband.” But, if there was a wife like that, perhaps her hubby should be thankful — she would not be a very nice woman, would she?
Hi: Two years after this article, and guess I am a bit dismayed by the article. There is one gal I know who left her husband because she wanted to be alone. After all the work she gave, and she did fulfill her part of that three way contract, she wanted out. The husband was still haunted by it 12 years later, and while this was rough on him, he did remarry and the Ex had the life that she deserved. Really, sometimes the better thing to do is act in ones own best interest. It is far better to… Read more »
Yes, divorce can be damaging to everyone — him, her, the kids — but so can a high-conflict marriage. In fact, studies show that they are as damaging as high-conflict divorces. So, where does that leave us? Sometimes a marriage isn’t going to work no matter how hard a couple tries — really, divorce is the only option. Of course, what we’re talking about here is a divorce of couples with kids; no one seems to rush to the aid of child-free couples who decide to split, so let’s be clear about that. What couples who can no longer make… Read more »
As I posted in my article for GMP here, I am in complete agreement with JBH. A loving divorce is not only possible but far far better than a loveless or worse, angry marriage. The idea that divorce always wrecks kids is just plain wrong.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/on-divorce-co-parenting-learning-to-love-your-ex-and-other-stuff/
I was fortunate enough 2 be able to save my marriage with 2 of the last things you stated. I and my wife worked hard at mending it, and unconditional love. Thanks for the article.
I have never responded to a blog before, but I feel compelled to here. After 20 years of friendship, 11 years of marriage, one child and one cat, my husband and I separated 2 years ago. Our divorce was final a year ago. We started as friends and we are still friends. After a few years of living 8,000 miles apart, divorce seemed prudent. We went to mediation to settle financial matters and we each left the marriage with what we put into it. We never yelled or screamed or used our child as a pawn. In fact, we are… Read more »
Thank you so much for your post. It is possible, as shown, to go on loving the former spouse, while also loving yourself enough to say, “THIS Is What Is Good For Me,”
“If anyone says they had an amicable divorce, they’re lying” — oh, nonsense. My daughter’s father is an alcoholic, with a very occasional but very serious substance abuse issue layered in there. (I used to, ah, ‘party,’ and we had fun, and I went forward with the unfortunately misguided belief that like me, he’d cut it out without difficulty.) We tried counseling, individually and together. There was no way to give a child a stable home with the chaos of the drinking. I issued an ultimatum; later, retained an attorney and had the locks changed. I didn’t make much use… Read more »
Staying together for the sake of the children, or anyone else, are trumped by two issues: addiction and abuse.
“Not to say they don’t exist, but the single mothers I know really grieve for their kids’ lost time with Dad, for the family breakdown…”
But they still chose how much time dad spends with his kids.
That’s the point. Even if the mother is a good mom and wants her kids to have a relationship with dad, the relationship between father and child _should not be mediated through the mother._
A presumption of shared custody would ensure this. (And if it really is men walking away from their responsibilities, it certainly won’t change the situation.)
I’m with you, sister..amen.
I understand that each and every relationship and divorce is unique, but I have to say that my own personal experience proves almost every point you’ve made false. I am happier and our children are happier, all of them even doing better in classes. I have more time to devote to the children, rather than the stress of an unsuccessful marriage. The state has zero say or any idea even, where my children are or where they go. It was not an easy process, but it was not as difficult or financially exhausting as your article made it out to… Read more »
Thank you for writing this article. I know many times when I am beyond frustrated with my husband and my own attitude, I often wonder if it would be worth it to just be alone. Even with kids. After reading this, it made me take a step back and realize that it’s never really that bad. I married the guy for a reason. And he obviously found some redeeming quality in me or he wouldn’t have asked, right? The good days are really, really good. It’s sad that we only remember the annoyingly bad days. And the bad days are… Read more »
I want to thank everyone for the great comments about my piece. I wrote it mainly to get people to think twice and try and right the ship before tearing apart their family. I’ll be honest, it’s even worse than what I wrote. I completely agree with Alexandria about mediation. Always choose it over litigation. It can also get emotional and very heated, but it is always the better choice. However; I would do it without attorneys present. You can have an attorney look over your final papers before you sign, but if you put an attorney in the actual… Read more »
I’m curious as to how you all (anyone reading this) see Mexico’s 2-year marriage contract thing fitting into all of this?
To me it’s always seemed as though it’s the expected permanence of marriage that causes divorce to be so horrible. Or at least, that’s a large part of it. The west is a very individualistic culture and lifelong marriage comes from a very non-individualistic culture.
Thankyou for such an honest and powerful post. I’m separated and divorce is on the horizon. It is true that my heart is breaking for the time I’ve lost with my little girl – but I knew that if I didn’t leave she was going to grow up in an unhappy household and I didn’t want that for her. Life is sometimes incredibly tough, and whether I’ve made the right choice I suppose is open to debate. Like someone else said it’s a matter of least bad choices. I just hope I can be a better father by being a… Read more »
Hang in there DR. I’ve divorced and my son and my former spouse are happier for it. Just keep your child front and center. She still needs both her parents. Keep a positive attitude. Don’t give in to your fears.
Everything you say is completely true — for fathers.
Mothers generally walk out of family court with a pocket full of money and a smile from ear to ear.
We’d be interested in hearing both sides of that story. Our guess is that no one comes out of a divorce, especially a contentious one, feeling great about the divorce process. It’s expensive on both sides.
Anyone here lurking have a story from the LGBT side of things?
I wish that were true, Anthony. Not in my case, and certainly not in the case of many women I have met since my experience.
Wow, I could not agree more. I’m the child of a divorced family–my dad left the house when I was 8 and left my mother with 3 boys. My mother most assuredly did not “walk out of family court with a pocket full of money and a smile from ear to ear”. Sure she got custody of the children, but that was by mutual agreement. She walked out of court devastated, betrayed, and on the thinnest of financial ice. My father paid child support–no alimony, despite the fact that my mother had no job, no college degree, and no marketable… Read more »
Sorry, that first sentence should obviously read “could not DISAGREE more.” Poor editing on my part, my apologies.
I don’t know any women who have walked away from a divorce better off. All of my female friends who are divorced had their own jobs and careers, so none of them got spousal spport, they got 50-50 custody of the kids and basically the divorce cut their monthly income in half (and their husband’s). Most couples I know had to sell their homes because neither could afford to buy out the other and still afford the mortgage payments. This is the SF Bay Area, where homes are super expensive and everyone is mortgaged to the hilt. No one really… Read more »
Sarah, you’ll have to define “better off.” If you’re looking at it strictly from a financial viewpoint, no, few are better off. If you’re looking at it from a psychological viewpoint, well … Everything is not black and white and a successful divorce doesn’t always mean you have the same lifestyle. If you are feeling happier and healthier, if you’re removed from something that seemed too dysfunctional to remain it, you bet you’re “better off.”
Do you know what is the primary cause of divorce????? …………..Its called marriage. Divorce causes as much grief as the death of a loved one and also may lead to financial ruin. Prevention is better that cure.
So don’t marry at all.
As an attorney, I can attest that your observations concerning litigated divorce are spot on. My personal experience as the child of a bitter divorce, and then my professional observation as an attorney of the pain and damage inflicted by the adversarial legal system is the reason that I opted out of the litigation system almost completely and now work almost exclusively as a divorce mediator. Mediation is an entirely different approach, an entirely different paradigm, and also ends up with entirely different results both in less damage to your relationship with the ex spouse and also keeping family decisions… Read more »
Bravo, Bravo!…I’m in love with your soul. May you be blessed in this life and the next.
Mediation sounds good “on paper”. I tried it and it only cost me more money. There is no way to mediate with a narcissistic woman. The woman I provided for solely for 33 years. I always was understanding when she quit job after job and always blamed someone else. She abused my children and ultimately engaged in extramarital sex with her men “friends”. And all the while blaming me for everything that was wrong between us. I spent years going from therapist to therapist who ALL ultimately said that the problem wan not me. And once they said that, they… Read more »
Yeah, several of the many reasons I have never believed in divorce. A key is to marry someone of like mind.
Craig, this is a great post. It’s so true, and people don’t like to hear this stuff. I think people read a post like yours and they think it doesn’t apply to them. People who initiate a divorce always think they are are the exception, their marriage is worse than anyone else’s, they will do divorce better than anyone else, people convince themselves that divorce will work for them because they are more special than everyone else.
Penelope
I didn’t think I was the exception. I didn’t know what to think. I felt like I was yelling my head off for help in the middle of a hurricane.
Should be required reading, if not when people marry, then when they think their marriage is “in trouble.” First thing to do? “Kill all the lawyers.” No joke.
While i agree most of what you said, i have to disagree on one thing. When your life is already in runis, and you have only bad opinions to choose, sometimes divorce is the better (or- less bad) one.
I agree that some marriages just can’t be saved, but there are just too many divorces these days. People are taking the easy way out. Hopefully the divorce rate can go down.
So, if divorce is so horrible, how can one say that divorce is “taking the easy way out”? Is it that they THINK it’s the easy way out and they’re proven wrong?
It can’t be both the easy way out and be hell.
I am a young woman, barely 24 years old and never been married but this piece struck a chord in me because of its painful sincerity. I truly hope that you are much better now.