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I’ve been hiding all through this Kavanaugh case.
Not because I’m ashamed, but because it’s bringing back the feelings of rage that I had thought I had dealt with many years ago. The feelings of not being in control, of being manipulated, of being too young to understand, of being made to feel unworthy and inadequate.
I’m not the typical survivor, or at least not the typical survivor that comes forth with his tales of abuse to the forefront of publication. My story isn’t popular, and is often disbelieved, questioned, and palmed off in a humorous way.
You see, most of my abusers were women (but not all).
I was urged to come forth with this story because men need to hear this, especially men that have been in my situation in the past and present because they rarely come forward; in our circles, it is frowned upon, or at least it was the last time I told anyone about it. I have said in the past I grew up in a toxic household, and my father was the epitome of toxic masculinity. Part of Toxic Masculinity is not being in touch with one’s own emotions – part of that disconnect can often be attributed to post-abuse when the man refuses to take ownership of his emotions because he feels after the abuse that he must be “broken.” I know this because this is what happened to me.
I was raped as a 3-4-year-old by an older girl. One of my earliest memories is playing with the clitoris of a fully developed young girl. I’ve had a lot of guys in the past nudge me on the shoulder and tell me this was a good thing, that I had been at it way younger than anyone else, that I was a ‘pro shagger’ – yet the psychological ramifications of this event impacted me 10-fold. For instance, in my adult years, I became a chronic masturbator and was addicted to porn regardless of the relationship situation I was in. This is why I keep saying to people I should have been introduced to sex when my mind was ready, and not in the immature state that it was.
I can recall the first job I landed after I came out of a psychiatric hospital. I can remember coming home, crying, alone, each day from work after the torrent of unacceptable abuse I would receive from my female colleagues. Three women took it upon themselves to make my life complete hell, each day, relentlessly – and people often say that I should have stuck up for myself, but how can you do so when I have never had anyone to teach me to do so. Abusers isolate you, they make you feel alone, and that’s what they did to me; they made me feel like I couldn’t tell anyone, so they could continue doing what they were doing.
I can go on forever but I’m already reliving more than I can.
This recent Political case has made me feel very alone, and isolated. My anxiety is through the roof right now; whenever I see the hashtag #believeallwomen, or another person stand up and accuse all men of wrongdoing then I feel it detracts from my experiences. It detracts from the experiences of other men that have experienced what I have – and I know they are out there. I have three of them as friends already. I have begun to wonder if I’m being silly – if my experiences matter not, and that I really shouldn’t be crying over spilled milk. I want to comment on all the statuses on all the people right now that are gendering the entire situation, but then I stop myself and wonder if by doing so would I be silencing their experiences to promote mine? And thinking about it realistically that’s not what I set out to do. And in my personal sphere, all cases of abuse matter.
So, I’ve been hiding, and furiously hiding statuses that make me want to openly discuss rape and abuse with them because I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t want to detract from their experiences because they are just as valid as mine. Personally, I’d love for the Politicising of sexual abuse to stop, it’s sending myself and ALL my friends crazy. I didn’t work through a lifetime of trauma and abuse by it being played out on a Political theatre. I’m sure you can’t either.
I contacted one of my other male friends that I knew had been through quite an ordeal himself and he refuses to open up Facebook at all for the moment. It’s too much for him, and on one hand, I think, go you – I wish I was in the same boat. If I didn’t work on the Internet I’d be doing the same thing, but on the other hand, I wonder if we’re sorely lacking the male voice on this whole issue. My default setting has been on the defensive recently as most of what’s being called upon isn’t from my world. I’m sure there are many other similar men in the same situation as me.
Please, men, use your voice. You’ll give people like me some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one, because it’s mostly felt like such.
#believeallvictims sounds a more inclusive hashtag to me because I don’t like to gender abuse, violence, and sexual violence.
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Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash