In a society that continually asks men not to walk away, Kristian Orozco asks if we are adding insult to a tragedy.
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The tragic death of Trayvon Martin and the George Zimmerman trial have come to represent different things to many people—from yet another instance of social injustice, lingering racial profiling, prejudice and the plight of African-American boys to controversial state laws, gun control, a shocking verdict, and much more that is divisive. I would say this tragedy is also very much about the message we send to boys about who they should be and how they should act.
Two days after the historic trial ended in a verdict of not guilty, I saw the interview conducted by CNN’s Anderson Cooper with Juror B37, a member of the six-person jury. At one point during the interview, when Cooper asked whether she believed Trayvon Martin played a role in his own death, the juror responded,
“Oh, I believe he played a huge role in his death. He could have, he could have…when George confronted him, he could have walked away and gone home. He didn’t have to do whatever he did and come back and be in a fight.”
He could have walked away. This phrase, delivered in a rather matter-of-fact way, caught my attention. And as it turns out, it was not only Juror B37 who thought this was a plausible and reasonable option under the circumstances—other jury members seemed to think so as well. Since then, I’ve run across articles and commentaries that reflect this same belief.
It’s hard for me to imagine how a 17-year-old boy makes the decision to walk away while embroiled in a highly volatile situation while it rains in the dark of night probably feeling that not only his safety and well-being are under attack but also his dignity, his emerging manhood and sense of self. [For the sake of argument, I’ll set aside considerations of race and focus strictly on gender.]
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From an early age, we teach our sons to fight back. The culture swirling around boys—the one created and promoted by parents, older siblings, family members, peers, movies, music, celebrities, sports, athletes, popular culture, video games, the military, community leaders, politicians, you name it!—says boys (and men) have only one option when confronted by a threat: to stand up and fight.
The relentless message screams loud and clear, “Don’t back down! Fight back! Stop being a wimp!” (I can still hear it ringing in my ears.) And so, the boy who walks away or backs down becomes an outcast. He is shamed. He is looked down upon with pity. He is called a fag. He might even be an embarrassment to his own father for not being man enough to stand his ground.
We applaud the underdog when he musters the courage to fight back. We idolize the good guy with a gun. We even glamorize vigilante culture. (Ironically, historian Andrew C. Isenberg reveals in his new book Wyatt Earp: A Vigilante Life that the legend we have come to know, imitate and admire so much—one that has proved to be so influential and deeply ingrained in the public conscience—is largely a piece of fiction created by Earp himself.)
Where are the examples of men proudly walking away? When has vulnerability been made acceptable as a manly choice? Who actively models that choice as exemplary? And who is telling our sons there can be honor in backing down without needing to feel cowardly? If there are such instances—and I’m not talking about the generic advice a law enforcement officer might give to the public in sound bites—they surely go unnoticed.
Along with the pervasive issues of racial inequality, social injustice and controversial legislation, our society also needs to reexamine what we are teaching our sons about who they should be and how they should act. And I don’t exclude myself from this task since I’ve been guilty of transmitting this message to my sons. (Yes, the messaging to men is so pervasive that even those of us who study boy and man issues can readily fall into the trap unless we monitor ourselves closely.)
I’d like to think we can prevent future heartbreak, conflicts and tragedies if boys are taught early in life to embrace a different version of manhood. This version would say that walking away—even when a man is justified in standing his ground—is a valid option. When needed, it’s not only something a man can do without feeling shame but could even be deemed admirable under certain circumstances.
Only after our society has altered our message to boys that we could rightfully expect them to make the sensible decision to walk away while still feeling their emerging identity as a man remains intact regardless of what the critics say, including the self-critic. For the time being, I believe it’s unfair to expect a boy—even an older teenager—to do what a male adult is surely incapable of doing if he finds himself in a similar situation.
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The whole truth of what happened the night of Trayvon Martin’s death may never be known. (I strongly believe there are always two sides to every story, and we only got to hear one.) Was he really the victim who turned into the aggressor? (That’s what Juror B37 said.) Did he realize he was in a volatile situation from which he needed to extricate himself? Did he consider walking away? Did he feel he had to prove his manhood to his friend on the telephone? Did he even have the option to walk away? Only Trayvon Martin could answer that, but he’s no longer with us.
From what I have read, it seems George Zimmerman did have the option to walk away. He did not have to get out of his car and make choices that created that fatal situation even if justified under the provisions of the Stand Your Ground law. But perhaps Zimmerman is just as big a victim as the boys and men who buy into the outdated myth of manhood, one in which stepping away or backing down are not an option.
To those of us who are still contemplating what Trayvon Martin should have done, I say: Let him now rest in peace. Do not judge him for whatever choices he made that night. And most of all, do not hold him accountable if, in the moment, he felt the need to live up to the boy code that our society has created and from which our sons are struggling to extricate themselves in order to be who they truly are. Continuing to do these things is simply adding insult to tragedy.
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photo: josephers / flickr
Hi Kristian It is disturbing to read what you write here :✺”From an early age, we teach our sons to fight back. The culture swirling around boys—the one created and promoted by parents, older siblings, family members, peers, movies, music, celebrities, sports, athletes, popular culture, video games, the military, community leaders, politicians, you name it!—says boys (and men) have only one option when confronted by a threat: to stand up and fight. The relentless message screams loud and clear, “Don’t back down! Fight back! Stop being a wimp!” (I can still hear it ringing in my ears.) And so, the… Read more »
Typo
(My iPad drives my crazy with it’s spell control.)
I wanted to write that to be provoked is not a license to be violent !
Thanks, Iben, for sharing your thoughts. My comments are based on my experience growing up in the US as well as Nicaragua, where I was born. I do not feel fit to comment on how men are raised in other countries and cultures. However, from what I see and read on the nightly news, men are getting this same message or versions of it all around the world—from Europe, India, North Korea and China to Australia, Pakistan, Canada, Afghanistan, and beyond. Yes, we hear the message of Gandhi. We also have heard the message of Martin Luther King Jr., and… Read more »
“If you do not walk away, if you choose to engage someone then you are directly increasing your risk of violence and possibly death.” Not all the time. Sometimes being passive will get you killed When I got in the fight with the eight guys it the park, it was because I felt that they were going to eventually attack. Eight on one isn’t a good chance and I think that they were counting on that to ensure I wouldn’t fight back. I viewed striking first as actually giving me a better chance at survival. I don’t know what happened… Read more »
Thanks, John, for sharing your experience. Wow! Eight on one. In sharing your story, you actually make an interesting point: You actually took time to think about what you would do; most other guys might not. Yes, you took a risk that seems to have paid off, but let’s speculate for a minute. What if you felt you had no option but to fight and not because you felt this was the best thing to do in this particular circumstance but because you had to prove you’re not a wimp, you must stand up and fight, etc? Your consciousness would… Read more »
@ Kristian I’m half Filipino / half Irish Scottish. I grew up in a white neighborhood in the most segregated city in the U.S. in the 70s. Almost every Asian male about my age living in that neighborhood took up martial arts / weightlifting or both. I did both along with taking questionable dietary supplements. Some guys in the neighborhood picked on us and we did our share of fighting many times at a numerical disadvantage. I haven’t been in a fight in 25 years. When they stopped picking on us, we stopped fighting. Sa Bam Nim taught us to… Read more »
I’ve walked away. Several times. And I would do it again and again and again and again. The only time I might not do it is if someone I cared about was in danger. But otherwise it just doesn’t make any rational sense. What is the upside of getting into a fight?! You have both a high probability of getting injured and a good probability of getting criminally charged.
@ assman
I’ve walked away many times too. I’ve fought many times also. Fighting is the worst option you can take, but unfortunately, sometimes it’s the only option.
Thanks, Assman, for sharing your living experience. I totally agree with you: I would also walk away. In fact, I have walked away the times I’ve been robbed at gun point and with a knife. I didn’t think the money nor the trinkets were worth injury or death, but I will admit I felt enraged at the gulls those guys had for feeling entitled to my property. And yet, I’m reminded of a fellow who fought the robber and ended up dead for just a few dollars. I guess he probably believed his manhood was very much also on the… Read more »
If you do not walk away, if you choose to engage someone then you are directly increasing your risk of violence and possibly death. It’s basic logic, get into a fight and you may get hurt or die. If he had the chance to run then that is definitely a better choice, if he had that chance yet still went to attack Zimmerman then he’s partially at fault for his own death. Yes, I said it, if you can run away and choose to attack someone then you may end up hurt, shot, killed.
Thanks, Archy, for sharing your perspective. In fact, I believe we’re each responsible for what happens to us. It’s a hard concept to accept, but I’ve explored it for a long time and keep coming back to the same conclusion. In looking at this particular case, my point was not to place blame or determine who was responsible for what happened. My point is to highlight the great difficulty we have in walking away or backing down because we believe it reflects poorly on our manhood—and how we’ll be judged—given the message society is constantly bombarding us with. I’m also… Read more »
I agree. It’s very hard for myself to back down but sadly too many people treat him as some innocent victim when really it’s more a mutual fight went down and one brought fists to a gunfight. Teaching people not to stalk and teaching people how to handle their emotions should help lower this risk.
“Walk away …..” Just recently, two clients attempted to get into a physical altercation in the cafeteria. One of the elder guys who’d been in treatment for almost 3 months was antagonizing another client. A good 30 feet apart from one another, the elder client was as they say “talking shit” to the client who was sitting within 5 feet of my table. Words back and forth continued until the seated client stood up and grabbed a chair and was about to throw it when I interceded. As I was dealing with the client closest to me, another staff was… Read more »
Thanks, Tom, for sharing this perfect example of my point: the inability for a man to walk away, even if it’s the sensible thing to do, because of a belief that might lead to an outcome detrimental to his well-being. I would argue someone can also use pride more constructively—to remove myself from a situation where I’m being attacked, demeaned, insulted, etc.