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I contemplate on this question all the time. For the reason that I know that I am always growing. How do I know my boundaries? You would imagine someone that works on himself daily would believe he is limitless. That may very well be a possibility. Mind over matter, right? Using will power over physical limitations. Perception is reality. Decartes’ — “I think, therefore I am.”
You cannot know your boundaries in your life is you do not know yourself.
I always thought I know myself. Honestly, I always felt I was who I am for as long as I can remember. And that is very true. However, from a looking glass perspective, all I have seen is an invented-self. I believe we go through three phases. First, a false sense of self, where we react primally and emotionally.
Next, an invented-self, where we had logically created the identity in which you see in relation to the world. This is the concept of self. Knowing who you are, why the way you are, how do you think, and what do you feel and believe.
Finally, there is a stage rather understanding what you think you are, you understand you are that which thinks. It becomes a knowing of self, an unconscious competency, that deep down in your core you know your being. You don’t have to think about it.
I have always found it fascinating that people always say, “just be yourself.” Not knowing that your ‘self’ can be carrying so much baggage and trauma that your “self” is not going to the get the result you want. Because there is a block that is stopping you from obtaining what you want in life.
However, you will not see this block until it is pointed out. We cannot know what we do not know. Unconscious incompetency. Dr. Howard Gardner developed this theory of multiple intelligences in 1983. Dr. Karl Abrecht used this concept and created ASPEAK (Abstract, Social, Practical, Emotional, Aesthetic, Kinesthetic Intelligences). We may vary in terms of competency for each intelligence, however there are three that we as humans must be able to master our lives.
Factor | Emotional Intelligence | Social Intelligence | Practical Intelligence |
S | Self-Esteem | Situational Awareness | Systematic Thinking |
P | Present Mindedness | Presence | Possibility Thinking |
A | Autonomy | Authenticity | Abstract Fluency |
C | Control | Clarity | Change Tolerance |
E | Engagement | Empathy | Emotional Neutrality |
These three are Emotional, Social, Practical (E.S.P.). Each one has its own S.P.A.C.E. Now, before I go a little further let me ask you, have you ever felt someone’s presence? Or heard of the idea of a person being really present, or that a person has such a presence, or that they command presence. Well, I believe this is what they mean. Presence is the total message you send with your behavior.
Presence represents the letter P in the acronym SPACE.
This is how you set boundaries in your life, by first creating them through self-love. Now this takes a while, so don’t expect to get it overnight. First, you must learn to love yourself. You have to be so self-aware that you stop being self-conscious. Which is the difference between being compos mentis, versus being consumed by the thoughts of your ‘self’, respectively. The former allows us to be sentient (i.e. feeling and perceiving.)
Being able to get to this point is being in a flow state, or what they would call (super sane.) A meta-cognitive state in which you are fully in control of your whole being.
I had looked up Self-Actualization, which is defined as “the realization or fulfillment of one’s talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.” I believe this is the moment of true revelation in terms of your true self. You don’t have to exude confidence, because you are confident. It is a being, rather than a doing.
When you are self-actualized, you don’t have to worry about achievements, the opinions of others, or validation from external or material aspects. You just are. You know your boundaries and limitations, you know where you must improve. Very simple to say, however this is not always easy.
I believe you can do this is in seven steps: Awareness, Exploration, Discovery, Understanding, Love, Transformation, Mastery.
Very simple right? Very much so, until you start hitting those blocks, limiting beliefs. So, ask yourself:
Is there any rational reason for this belief?
Could it be that I am mistaken in this belief?
Would I come to the same conclusion about another in the same situation?
Why should I continue to act and feel as though this is true if there is no good reason to believe?
The truth will set you free as they say. We must learn to rationalize all the “false” sense of self. Now, the question is can we skip the invented-self stage altogether, and go straight towards the true-self. Not quite, at least from my own experience. In Person Environment Transactions a person is provoking, evoking, or reacting to their environment as much as the environment a person. You may have the hang of most of the elements for each intelligence but all the elements must be mastered to a conscious competent level.
The stages of learning must go through these seven steps for a true sense of self, rather an invented. We know what we are doing now and how we are doing it, finally we come to why we are doing this, Self-Love.
I have learned that the heart produces an electromagnetic field, which is measured through Magnetocardiography. The same heart that produce huge waves of love can also do the same with fear. This has shown to have an affect over other people, producing the same emotions in them. So, in addition to mirror neurons, we have emotional contagion.
Without self-love that magnetic field will give off the wrong frequency. The environment then reacts in response and then we try to rationalize the cause and effect. Because the information that we received is not what was intended we must give it meaning.
Dr. Michael Shermer in his book, The Believing Brain, states the brain finds patterns in both meaningful and non-meaningful data through a process called “patternicity”. This pattern is what makes us unconscious. It shows up in work, relationships, even our own health, emotional and even physical. For example, you will see those that suffer from kyphosis, the atlas spine, as if the whole world’s weight is on their shoulders.
What we think and feel affect others. Being at ease with your “self” is personal magnetism, it is charisma.
This is why we praise actors and figures of success so much; these people have embodied success by having mastery over their ESP. We become start struck around them. They affirm themselves rather the world affirming them. It’s a switch, it is a shift. Anyone that is successful has gone through this process, we all must. Because if we let the world affirm us, it will tell us what our boundaries are.
We definitely see this with celebrities that go crazy, they cannot continue this image that was portrayed. What they did does not work anymore and they must shift to solve their new problems. Stephen Hawkins once said, “intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.” So, if your personal S.P.A.C.E. is not able to adapt then you will continue to learn the necessary lesson until you realize you must change in one of these areas.
Being Self-Aware is asking:
• What do I need to change?
• How do I make these changes?
• Why do I need to make these changes?
This is how you truly transform and live a balanced life, without balance your life will hinder. You will focus less and be less productive because you keep doing things you do not value. You must love your “self” the way you love others. Because you would not let the world treat someone you love the way you or the world treat yourself now. You would tell them to have boundaries, you would tell them that they are worth so much, you will tell them that they don’t need that or them.
You want them to believe you, right? You must do the same in return to affirm yourself, actualize yourself, love yourself. Believe your “self”, for it will accelerate the process of learning. This is pushing towards truth and a true self, and only then can you set real true boundaries. When they become a part of ourselves, a transformation, an embodiment, and then a mastery over time, rather an idea.
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Photo: Getty Images