How My Priorities Have Changed Since the Pandemic Began

In a few months, we will acknowledge the 2nd anniversary of the onset of the COVID 19 pandemic. I refer to anything that occurred prior as ‘the before times,’ as it if it had mythical implications. Not only could I not have conceived of such a world changing and perception shifting event occurring in my lifetime, but the idea of it lasting two years, with no definitive end in sight, would have been unthinkable. To date, millions have perished as a result. Last year, I wrote a piece about the Kaji family who lost two members (the parents/grandparents of Arjun and Maddie Kaji). In my circles, I know a few people who have been severely ill and some who have lost loved ones and were not able to be with them as they took their last breath, instead, watching via Facetime or Zoom.

When the news was disseminated back in late winter 2020, warnings issued and health guidelines, based on what was known at the time, imposed, I went into prayer mode in order not to go into panic mode. I invoked prayers of protection ‘for everyone I know and love, everyone they know and love and so on and so on and so on.’ I envisioned a healing temple and in my mind, invited anyone who wanted to enter to do so. I asked for the ancestors to watch over my family. My dreams reflected my waking thoughts about the virus and the limitations it created. Up until early 2020, I facilitated a workshop called Cuddle Party which is about communication, boundary setting and safe, nurturing, platonic touch, by consent. People attend, wearing pjs and, with a verbal yes, snuggle, cuddle, hug and massage. I also offered FREE HUGS to strangers all over the country. I panicked, pondering, “What if I can never do those things that are some of my greatest joys, again?” In dreamland, I hugged people back to back or front to back like spooning as we do in Cuddle Party. Wish fulfillment or foretelling?

For the purpose of protecting my then newborn grandson, 11 weeks passed before I could see him in person. Because I was working from home and rarely ventured from my house and when I did, would wear a mask, my son and daughter-in-law agreed that risk reduction was sufficient. Now I watch my grand-toddler at least five mornings a week. He is the primary reason I still take sincere precautions since he is still too young to get vaccinated. Missing him back then contributed to the beginning of what I had never before experienced, periodic depression and anxiety. I was certainly not alone as there has been an uptick in those conditions in the past year and a half. It lingers to this day and takes the form of low energy and at times, little motivation to do anything. This social butterfly has folded her wings and with few exceptions, I have stayed pretty close to home, preferring the cocoon I have created for myself here. I let go of my gym membership and work out in my living room. I renovated a room in my house that is now my colorfully decorated, plant growth office where I have telehealth sessions with my psychotherapy clients. In the before times, I had gatherings here, to which I would invite family and friends from my overlapping soul circles. Potluck, music, laughter, conversations about Life, the Universe and Everything, drumming, hugs, cuddling, art were part of these events. The last time that occurred was December of 2019. Since early 2020, a few assorted masked or vaccinated family and friends have ventured in. It feels surrealistic.

Sometimes when I am out of the house, even though I have had two vaccines and a booster and wear a mask, I feel a need to dive back into my eclectically decorated cave. I am not isolating, which is a hallmark of depression. I am being selective and careful about who I allow to cross the threshold that has a welcome mat (my kiddos gave it to me) that reads “You are about to get hugged.” I reach out to loved ones via technology. I chat with neighbors outside. A few visitors have sat on my back deck over the summer. Another holiday season has arrived without our annual Latke Party and I wistfully remember the energy in the house after the guests have gone home, when the house is clean and still resonates with aromas and the sounds of laughter and love made audible. Envisioning being able to hold it when the next holiday season rolls around.

In the ‘before times,’ I was cavalier about my decisions. No longer. I make them with the best interest of all taken into consideration. I was concerned about being busy, visible, successful, in demand and ‘on the big stage’. It felt like a struggle and at times, an obsession. I was worried about meeting financial needs and obligations. Since I have let go of that intense need to be seen, paradoxically, I am being called on do what I love and am well compensated for it. I am ‘attracting, not pursuing’.

I am still hesitant to dive back into the pool with my previous activities. I attended an exhibit in my area that highlighted the magnificent art and life of Vincent Van Gogh. I felt safe being there since the requirement was proof of vaccination and mask wearing. It felt good to do ‘normal people things’ again. I won’t pretend that there still aren’t plenty of reasons to be cautious. 3/4 of the U.S. population are still not fully vaccinated and some who are exercising their free will, at the expense of the wellbeing of others, may never do so. Some are in my circles and I struggle with my feelings about that. They each have their own reasons.

These days, my priorities are family, health and being of service in any way I can, even if it looks different than it did two years ago. I will continue to use my words and the spaces between them to help bring about healing in a world sorely in need.

What matters most to you?

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This post is republished on Medium.

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