I wrote a few months ago about the concept of toxic masculinity. I was very careful to say that masculinity itself is not toxic, but our flawed interpretations of it often are. Still, some people see pieces like mine as an attack on all men. It is not. It is a plea for men to reexamine their choices.
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So, let’s clarify. There is nothing inherently wrong with being a man.
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So, let’s clarify. There is nothing inherently wrong with being a man. As a reminder, my definition of toxic masculinity is actions or beliefs that define manhood in such contrast to femininity as to reject and despise all things that are or are perceived to be feminine in such a way that it becomes harmful to men and those around them.
Many things associated with traditional masculinity have great value. If you enjoy sports, play them, follow them, and participate either as a player or a fan. But, if you ridicule those who do not play or who are not good at sports, you just crossed the line into toxic masculinity. The same is true if you belittle athletes who are female. The same is also true if you associate manhood with engaging in excessive risk in sports or elsewhere, encouraging yourself or others to jeopardize their health and safety in an effort to live up to unhealthy hyper-masculine expectations.
Consider the objections to making the game of football more safe. Because we have a view of manhood defining men as able to endure physical trauma, we are damaging the health of young men in order to watch a game which glorifies physical aggression as a primary male trait. When men’s brains are being subjected to head trauma over and over just to prove they are men, that’s literally the definition of toxic.
As men, we don’t have to like hobbies like knitting, crocheting, or scrapbooking. But if you shame other men who do enjoy it, you’re creating toxicity.
Toxic masculinity doesn’t always involve shaming others. We also shame ourselves. Perhaps you would enjoy those hobbies, but never try them because of fear of how you will be perceived. If so, you are a victim of a toxic culture. You are keeping yourself from something joyful and relaxing. You are boxing yourself in.
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One of the most harmful aspects of toxic masculinity, at least for men, is the deprivation of the full range of emotional expression.
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If your natural personality is stoic, so be it. There is nothing wrong with that. But, if you’ve become convinced that the normal expression of emotions is a feminine trait, that you should “man up” and refuse to acknowledge pain, both physical and emotional, you are harming yourself and those you love.
One of the most harmful aspects of toxic masculinity, at least for men, is the deprivation of the full range of emotional expression. This leads to increased incidence of depression and isolation and a lack of meaningful connection with others. The result is an epidemic of loneliness in America and the health impacts are huge.
What about sex? Most of us enjoy sex. There’s nothing wrong with that. Have sex with any consenting adult you like. But, if you must prove your manhood through your sexuality, this is toxic. If you have come to believe that the number of conquests is more important than meaningful connection, you are harming both yourself and your partners. If, as one celebrity man recently proclaimed, you expect certain sex acts to be performed on you by your female partners, but will not return the favor, you are engaging in a selfish kind of toxicity.
There is certainly nothing wrong with being a straight male who enjoys sex, but, if you fear the very possibility of being perceived as gay, if you are offended by the very thought that someone might view you as such, if you go out of your way to prove your heterosexuality to those around you, you are harming both yourself and others.
Having a good job and providing for your family are admirable traits. These demonstrate responsibility. But if you are threatened by the possibility that your wife or girlfriend might make more money than you, you are a victim of our culture’s toxic masculinity. The same is true if you have become a workaholic because being male means making money is your defining role in society.
These issues have real-world consequences, not just for men, but for women and children. Women with higher status jobs than their partners or who make more income are more likely to be victimized by domestic violence.
Speaking of domestic violence, although most victims are women, a significant number of men are also abused. Yet, many do not report the abuse, often out of shame.
Our culture has, for centuries, told us all that all things male are of greater value. This is changing. We have removed many of the legal barriers to women being personally and professionally successful and women now have a multitude of voices counteracting the negative influences that have historically hindered their progress. But we can do much more. A big part of that effort is for men to liberate ourselves from outmoded and toxic definitions of manhood.
It is time that men raise their voices against the toxic masculinity, which limits our emotional expression, encourages us to harm ourselves and others, and cuts us off from a much more diverse way to live our lives as men. When we do this work, we make a better world for men and women alike.
—An earlier version of this piece appeared in the Porterville Recorder on June 20, 2018.
Photo by Nathan Rogers on Unsplash
