Men and their anger have come under a lot of suspicions and even criticism. Sometimes, therapist’s classify anger as a “negative emotion,” a remnant from our primitive past that is no longer adaptive in our civilized lives. They have also been known to suggest to men that that anger may not be what they are really feeling and that they may be using anger as a defense against letting themselves feel more vulnerable emotions like sadness or fear.
I think these prejudices stem from a misunderstanding of the nature of anger and the important role it plays in intimate relationships. Reduced to its basics, anger is simply an expression by one person that they don’t like something about the way things are going in their relationship with another person. Their expression of anger reflects their desire for things to be better between the two of them.
In contrast to some of our outdated stereotypes about anger as a problem that we should work to eliminate, more recent research suggests that only do most people get angry on a regular basis, but that expressing that anger to the people they were in conflict with led them to feel relieved, happier and more optimistic about the future of the relationship. Both parties often agreed that they felt closer after talking openly about their angry feelings with each other.
So why are we so critical of anger, especially in men? I think it’s because we confuse anger with other strategies that are destructive in relationships; criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The amount of anger and conflict in a relationship has little to do with the happiness of the two people or their success in coupling.
Contempt, however, which is often confused with anger, is highly destructive in any relationship. Contempt is not about working something out with your partner, it’s about defeating your partner, making them feel worse so that you can feel better. Contempt is often recognizable when one person aggressively pushes a series of arguments on the other, like an attorney arguing his case before a judge. Like an attorney, the contemptuous person is not seeking truth or reconciliation, they are just trying to win.
Although often confused for each other, the distinction between anger and contempt is relatively simple. When you are talking primarily about your partner, in a critical way, indicting them for who they are and what they’ve done, you are at significant risk of being contemptuous and causing harm in your relationship. When you are talking more about yourself and your own experience, talking with your partner about the impact her behavior has had on your and holding your intent to make things better between you, then you are probably expressing your anger in a way that has great potential to bring the two of you closer together.
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Avrum G. Weiss, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who sees individuals and couples for psychotherapy online. Dr. Weiss is recognized nationally for his pioneering work on the process of change in individuals and organizations. He is the author of three books and hundreds of articles, published here on The Good Men Project, Psychology Today, and elsewhere.
Dr. Avrum Weiss is represented by LMB Agency, LLC, and is available for speaking engagements. Click to see his speaker sheet: https://bit.ly/AvrumWeissSpeaker
Connect with Dr. Avrum Weiss via his Author Page on Facebook and his private group on Facebook. This group, based on the thought-leadership presented in his newest book, is a place to discuss men's fears of women with an emphasis on male-female intimate relationships.
I think these prejudices stem from a misunderstanding of the nature of anger and the important role it plays in intimate relationships. Reduced to its basics, anger is simply an expression by one person that they don’t like something about the way things are going in their relationship with another person. Their expression of anger reflects their desire for things to be better between the two of them.
