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If you asked 100 men what constitutes a “real man” to them, they would likely come up with 100 different answers. Everyone seems to have their own definition, and it seems to create a healthy debate.
I did a video about what being a “real man” means. Someone put a rather opinionated comment on the video, and I replied. He said only “real men” can say what it means to be a real man and that basically, since I was a woman, my opinion didn’t matter.
After going back and forth with our comments, I realized something. The issue for me really isn’t about someone’s definition of what a “real man” is no matter how much I may not agree with it. My real issue is that there is even a term called “real man,” as though a man is anything but that. Or that if you aren’t, you’re a fake man or not good enough as a man.
“Real man” often times is used in hurtful, demeaning or belittling ways to stab at someone’s ego or pride. That if you, as a man, don’t fit into this definition of what it takes to be a “real man” then you really aren’t a good enough man. You just aren’t good enough.
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So what ends up happening is men try to live up to someone else’s expectations of what it is to be a “real man.” He does what others want him to do. He goes out with someone who others will approve of and life. He’ll get the job that has the most potential for income, growth, and success, because that is what others want for him or because that’s what he thinks is expected of him. Meanwhile, he’ll never follow what he wants to do or who he wants to be. He’ll be living a lie not realizing the day will come when he will feel unfulfilled, miserable, or even depressed. And he won’t have a clue as to why he feels that way.
After all, he’s done exactly what he was supposed to do. He graduated from college like he was supposed to with the major other people wanted for him. He got a job in the field he was supposed to. He married early like he was supposed. He had kids like he’s supposed to. He climbed the corporate ladder and makes great money like he was supposed to.
But no one bothered to tell him that one day you’ll realize those things don’t fill you up. Yes, he loves his kids. Yes, he loves his income. But he starts asking himself, “Is there something more? There has to be something more.” But he doesn’t know what that is or what it looks like.
He’s spent so many years living up to someone else’s definition of a “real man” is, he forgot to ask himself what he wants or who he is. He comes to a fork in the road and isn’t sure what to do. On the one hand, he doesn’t want to give up his income. On the other hand he’s miserable at work. He doesn’t spend enough time with his kids and his marriage is on the brink.
He thinks he’s created a good life, but in his core, he’s not happy. He wants more. He needs more. Living up to someone else’s definition of a “real man” won’t bring you happiness, fulfillment, or joy. In fact, it’ll break you down. I’ve seen it happen time and time again, which is why the term “real man” is such a hot button for me.
There is no such thing as a “real man.” Plain and simple. There is no such thing. You are being real (being real is different than “real man.”) when you are authentic, truthful, and vulnerable. If you hold true to who you are (if you know who you are—most men don’t,) you’ll find your way to exactly where you’re supposed to be.
If you aren’t sure who you are, that’s a whole other post.
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Previously posted on This Man Thing
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
This is something a lot of men have been wise to for a long time and do you know what we got in return?
Teasing, insults, jabs, dismissal, and claims of “fragile masculinity”.
I’m glad that you have had your “Aha!” moment.
Hi Danny,
Thank you for your comment. I’m glad to hear many men are wise to this. However, working with men, I come across this quite often, where men are trying to live up to someone else’s definition of a real man and expectations of who they should be. I hate that, because men are trying and want to be themselves, they receive negative backlash. The more resound any man is in who he is, it won’t matter what others say or think he should be.
He said only “real men” can say what it means to be a real man and that basically, since I was a woman, my opinion didn’t matter. Your opinion matters, it just doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously. You don’t and can’t know about the unique difficulties of being a man. Sure, you might come to appreciate and understand but you can never live them as a woman. If a white person claimed there was such thing as an authentic black person (and listed the criteria for what he/she considered authentically black), that view would be considered racist. They would… Read more »
Hi Bob, First, you are absolutely correct here, and that is one of the most glaring of men’s issues today (everyone but us trying to dictate who we should be). However, in this particular case, I see it differently. This is a woman that has experienced what it can be to be a man through the loss of her brother through suicide (thee most glaring of all issues for men). Not to speak for her, but that tragedy has tuned her into our world, and through her grief, she is simply reaching out to try to help those men in… Read more »
Absolutely, I hear that. Hence my comment about women who understand, appreciate and realise those unique difficulties. I’ve heard people increasingly referring to this as “woke”, though I personally hate the term. She has “woke” to men’s issues but she can never fully understand what life is like as a man just as I can never fully understand what life is like being a woman even though I might understand and appreciate their unique difficulties. I am deeply sorry for the loss of her brother. I too have been affected by suicide in more ways than one and it’s tragic… Read more »
I realise I came across as slightly caustic in that first sentence. That was not my intention. I did not mean that she should be subject to ridicule for expressing her opinion though I see how it may have been misconstrued that way. What I did mean was that a woman cannot expect her opinion not to be held to account, evaluated, critiqued and criticised – by men – when making statements about men and masculinity.
C-Bob, I’ve realized that men have very strong opinions about the case of “real men,” especially coming from a woman, even if that woman is saying the term is hurting men instead of helping them. I’ve had a lot of haters, being a woman on a mission to help men, and I’m okay with that. Because I know who I am, how my expertise helps men, what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I’ve helped thousands of men through speaking, coaching, our podcast, and our FB group. If some men don’t resonate with me, that’s okay, because I know… Read more »
Thank you for the great work you do. I’m sure it has helped and will continue to help many people 🙂
No worries with me, Bob. I wrote the note to you because I’ve read your opinion enough to know that you are one of the good guys, was just having our backs.
Thank you so much C-Bob.
Thank you for your “deeply sorry for the loss of her brother” comment. It is because of this loss that I’ve been able to impact thousands of men’s lives through speaking and coaching them. I agree–women need to become more aware of the issues affecting men before an incident such as suicide. Because those issues are also affecting them, their families, their work, and so much more. If more women knew about them, I believe more would be done to help…creating a win-win-win (win for men, win for women, win for society).
Hi djroukan, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You’re exactly right. I believe something good came out of the loss of my brother, as tragic as if was. It opened my eyes and hearts as to what’s really happening with men. And because of this, I started a company for men and my work is about and for them. As a single mom to a toddler son, it also allows me to be more cognizant of how we are raising boys. We teach them to be tough, strong, don’t cry, but as they grow into men, we want men to… Read more »
I’m a huge proponent of men and boys, because I feel with the focus being feared on empowering women, we have somehow forgotten about men and boys. You may be able to chalk this up to my cynicism but at this point I’m not entirely convinced that men and boys are being forgotten. I’ve received my fair share of haters already and people who don’t understand why I do what I do or my stance on helping men, and that’s okay. Haters that are conveniently ignored or dismissed as not being very common and since they only hurt men’s feelings… Read more »
Thank you Danny.
Hi C-Bob, Thanks for your comment. I’m not sure the difference between “my opinion didn’t matter” and you saying it doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously. If my opinion did, in fact, matter, it would be taken seriously. I’m not saying I know the difficulties in being a man, nor am I implying that. What I’m saying is there shouldn’t be a term called a “real man,” because it implies that unless you fit into someone else’s definition of what that is, you will always be less than…not good enough. I also know, through personal experience with my brother’s suicide,… Read more »
“He said only “real men” can say what it means to be a real man and that basically, since I was a woman, my opinion didn’t matter.” She lost her brother to suicide. She’s a casualty of the war, lived with, and I can guarantee, is still living with the guilt and grief. She has every right to question. Four times in my life I’ve experienced this, twice on a very personal level. The first a best friend since grade school, closer then brothers. No clue until the phone call came. I’ll add that if we believe that “real men”… Read more »
djroukan, Thank you so much for opening up and sharing this. Amen. Amen. I feel your pain. My brother was highly successful, respected, charismatic, and liked. He never met a stranger. People looked at him and wanted to be him. He had what men envy. Yet he was torn up on the inside. Like you, I would’ve never expected it, and didn’t, until I got the call at 12:25 am. It shook my world. He had just turned 40, and we were supposed to have lunch the next day for his birthday. He had been isolated from his close friends… Read more »
Hi Jess, There is work finally being done with our vets. It’s funny in a way, that although one may experience horrific events, the closeness, friendships, openness with other men is something that so many vets that I’ve spoken to say the desperately miss, that it was some of their fondest memories. I’ve had 70 and 80 year old men still talking about “the good times” and I believe for some it is the very separation from the military, the loss of that which adds to their troubles. I know that I felt it when I was discharged from the… Read more »
Hi DJ, That an incredible story of your time with the Marine who flew to you to have dinner and catch up. I’m in a mastermind with a 31-year newly retired Marine Colonel, and he thinks thee a lot more work to be done in regards to helping the military with their suicide rates. I’m looking into speaking in the realm to help them. Interesting thing I’ve found with working with men is that most men don’t have a lot of close friends. In fact, most don’t have any they would consider close. So when issues arise, as they always… Read more »
Sadly the power of being a “real man” stems from the concept that any guy who does not meet those ever changing criteria is, like a loser in the game of musical chairs out, in this case of the dating/mating game. Few women will date someone their friends find to be less than a “real man” even if they really want to. Gods help the guy who’s SO/GF/wife’s friends find him to be “lame”…..it opens the door to a world of hurt, callous judgment and often cheating.
Hi trey1963,
That’s a great analogy about musical chairs. I tend to agree with you. However, if the woman is confident, self-aware, and knows who she is and is secure in that, she won’t care what others think of her man. Sadly, with most women (and men), this isn’t the case. They care too much about what others think of them or how they will be judged. That means more to them than what they think about themselves or how they feel about a significant other.