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When there’s trouble at home, we’re quick to avoid blame and point the finger. But what if we’re the problem? These three questions can determine if you might be the primary cause of strife.
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The best way out is always through. —Robert Frost
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All is fair in love and war, right? And when love is war … then everything is at stake.
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We all think we’re perfect. Especially in an argument. Especially if that argument is with our partner. And especially if we’re arguing about hurtful behavior. We hunker down, armor up, and dig our heels in for the long siege. We know the best defense is a good offense, so we often launch brutal attacks to defend our actions, hurting more instead of easing the pain. All is fair in love and war, right? And when love is war … then everything is at stake. We know these are not minor skirmishes over a few feet of ground but bitter battles over miles of territory that can reshape the entire landscape by deciding who’s right and who’s wrong. We’ve heard the saying, being right isn’t everything, but in this case, this particular case, this one instance right here, we’re right as rain, and we’ll defend our rightness even if it means destroying the person we love.
I may have just described you. Or I may have just described your partner. If I pegged both of you, some serious counseling way above my pay grade is in order. But if this is sometimes you, or sometimes your partner, I just might be able to help. Bear with me. I’m not going to argue with you. And I’m not going to make you entertain the idea, “I might not be right.” What I am going to do is ask you three simple questions that force you to own your behavior and its consequences. If you can’t do that, quite frankly, you don’t belong in a relationship.
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Do the actions you’re defending masquerade as doing something for your partner—such as making a sacrifice—that makes you feel put-upon and resentful?
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Question 1. What emotions does your behavior feed? Does what you’re doing—and being asked to stop doing—make you feel joyful or fulfilled? Generous or grateful? Loving or loved? If so, by all means continue. Or does it nourish anger and bitterness or reinforce your feelings of superiority over your partner and make you feel vindicated? Do the actions you’re defending masquerade as doing something for your partner—such as making a sacrifice—that makes you feel put-upon and resentful? If your behavior feeds positive, healthy emotions, it’s likely to be a source of support for both you and your partner, even though your partner may not see it that way, and it’s surely worth the fight. If, on the other hand, your behavior feeds negative feelings, especially ones that give you an artificial lift by putting your partner down, it’s indefensible and you need to ditch it.
Each person’s perception of pain is different, and intent doesn’t matter much when someone is suffering.
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Question 2. Whom does your behavior hurt? Your position may be that what you’re doing hurts no one, and you surely don’t believe it’s hurting your partner—because only a sadist would do that intentionally. But each person’s perception of pain is different, and intent doesn’t matter much when someone is suffering. So if your partner says ouch, you need to listen. There’s also another dynamic at work. If your behavior is hurting your partner’s estimation of you, it’s hurting you as much or more than it’s hurting your partner. Beyond that, it’s hurting the living, breathing, fragile entity we all a relationship, and relationships are easily damaged by everything from abuse to neglect. Once you consider that your relationship has feelings and reacts to pain, you begin to see your behavior differently.
If it pisses off your partner, and it’s something you can change without sacrificing your self, your principles, or your core values, it’s almost surely worth changing. If it’s going to cost you your soul, forget about it.
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Question 3. Is changing your behavior a deal-breaker? This is the simplest of the three questions. How often have we defended stuff that isn’t even remotely worth defending, just because we don’t want to lose? If it pisses off your partner, and it’s something you can change without sacrificing your self, your principles, or your core values, it’s almost surely worth changing. If it’s going to cost you your soul, forget about it. The one caveat to the deal-breaker question is the phenomenon of repeated non-deal-breakers or death by a thousand paper cuts. If you give in on everything all the time because it’s not important enough, there will eventually be nothing left of you. The bottom line: choose your battles wisely.
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The next time you’re having that argument, take a cold, hard look at yourself. You might just see the problem staring you in the face.
Sigh.
Why does it have to be about the masculine vs. feminine?
Why can’t it be about mutual respect and adoration and doing kind things for the lover you cherish simply because it brings you joy to give and to see your partner appreciate being taken care of?
If you’re keeping score in your relationship…you’re probably in the wrong one.
Focus on the giving rather than the receiving.
Most fights I’ve experienced were because the accusations brought up feelings I hadn’t dealt with from other experiences. If I calm myself I can usually see them and respond better.
Beautifully written.
MC, Thank you.