Alyssa Royse is outraged that Brock Turner was convicted of violently raping an incapacitated woman, but his father, Dan, thinks his loss of appetite is enough punishment. Here is her advice to dad.
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I’m a parent. I know what it’s like to worry, sometimes irrationally, about the horrors that could befall my kid. I have imagined everything from kidnapping to cancer, miscarriage to….. well, let’s just say that in my mind I have already nursed her through every injury, illness and personal tragedy that my very-creative mind can come up with.
I haven’t prepared for the possibility that she could be the perpetrator of horror on someone else’s child. But, thanks to Dan Turner, the clueless fuck of a father who raised Brock Turner, the aspiring young athlete who raped a drunk woman behind a dumpster when she was passed out, I have now thought that through too.
And I think I have a grasp on what I would say if I found out my kid was a rapist.
Backing up, let’s make clear that this rape was especially depraved, in my opinion. Young Brock is convicted of having stumbled upon a passed-out drunk woman (who obviously could not consent) and penetrating her in a few ways with a few objects, only stopping when passersby saw him and chased him off of her. There is, truly, not a whole lot of grey area here. (Not that I’m inclined to find grey area in rape. This one is just really REALLY high on the “are you fucking kidding me?” scale.)
I mean, who the fuck stumbles across an incapacitated person and thinks, “oh goody, I’m gonna stick shit in there.” And by shit, I mean himself. (And a few other objects he could get his shitty little hands on.)
A depraved little shit, that’s who.
He tried the “but I was drunk” defense, and it didn’t fly. Sad times, for young Brock, indeed. Kid almost went to prison for 16 years.
Instead, because he’s not only rich and white, but also a star athlete, he got six months in a local jail. NOT EVEN FUCKING PRISON!
(Needless to say, much of the world, the people with conscience and brains, is horrified.)
But his father, who is not claiming inebriation as the source of his assholery, doubled down on the nation-wide horror of this story by publishing a letter in which he waxes morose about how sad it is to watch his young son not be able to choke down a Ribeye with joy anymore. Six months, he says, seems unreasonable for what amounts to “20 minutes of action” in this kid’s otherwise exemplary life. (Rape = Action. Okay.) (Rational people have assumed that if this kid did this, his life is probably not as exemplary as Dear Old Dad would like to think. I mean, this is not a starter offense.)
So, in his letter, Dan Turner drones on about how his son’s life is ruined now. How he can’t enjoy snacks. How he had such a bright future. How the world is being so mean to this young man.
Basically, he said everything except “my god, what have I done.”
And in so doing, we all know exactly how Brock became the man he became. He became the man he was raised to be.
So, dearest Dan Turner, here’s what you probably should have said. And here’s what I’m pretty sure I would say if I found out my kid did this. (With fake names of course, because….. ):
I guess I should start by saying that I am John Snyth’s father. Which is to say that I am the father of a young man who has been found guilty of a particularly heinous rape. As if there’s such thing as a rape that isn’t heinous.
I have been trying to get my head around this since we first became aware of it, and I am still having a hard time making sense of it.
I keep thinking about how I would feel if I was the parent of the victim, rather than the rapist. It’s possible that I would rethink my stance against the death-penalty; though I hope I would eventually come around to some sense of compassion and hope. If only because I’d think about the parents of the kid who did this horrible thing.
But I am the parent of the kid who did the horrible thing.
And I am sick about it. I keep wondering what I did. What I could have done differently.
Right now, everything looks wrong. I see so many opportunities that maybe I missed.
Maybe we focused on his success at sports to the detriment of teaching him that how he treats other people is more important.
Maybe I didn’t teach him about consent, at all.
Maybe I didn’t work hard enough to emphasize that, despite what society tells us, women don’t owe him sex and need to be treated with full respect as any human. (My god, all the times when I lost my temper with his mother, was that why he did this? The times I didn’t get my own temper under control?)
Maybe I didn’t offer up swift repercussions when he broke the rules.
Maybe I didn’t emphasize the right rules.
Maybe I wasn’t around enough.
Maybe…
Maybe because of my own cluelessness about all of these issues, for whatever reason, I raised a kid who became a rapist.
Maybe this is my wake-up call.
Although it is too late to prevent what happened to this young woman, I promise that I have heard the call.
I know that although I am mortified, and John is devastated, it pales in comparison to what his victim is feeling. There is nothing we can do to change the past, but here’s what I’m working on in our home now, and will work on elsewhere in the future:
– The responsibility for this act falls on my son, and my son alone. We need to make sure that, as parents, we are raising children who understand, and take responsibility for, the impact of their actions.
– We are talking about consent and coercion and things that seem so basic, but are clearly so absent in our society, and apparently in our parenting.
– The only victim of his acts is the woman that he raped, and to an only-barely-lesser extent her family. He is not a victim, he is experiencing the repercussions for his own actions. As parents, we need to help our children understand that.
– We do live in a society in which rape is encouraged. I had ignored the reality of Rape Culture for too long, because I had that privilege. I no longer do. I will work with my children to understand how society pervasively encourages rape. I wish I could go back to early childhood, but I can’t. I will start now, and it starts by educating myself.Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeI hear my own voice in my head, all the times I heard people say “I didn’t raise my kid to be like that,” when parents were on the news talking about some crime their kid had committed. And in all my sanctimony, I said “yes you did.” And now I have to say that to myself. I want to say that I didn’t raise a rapist. But I did. And now I have to figure out how, and what to do about it.
I raised a rapist.
I know that I can’t say anything to make this better. I desperately wish I could.
I don’t even know how to end this, except to say that I am mortified. I am sure I am involved in the problem, and as such have to be part of the solution. I am looking for ways to create a safer future for all of our children, and although I don’t know what that is, it’s the only thing I can think about.
For what it’s worth, yes, John is suffering greatly as a result of his actions. And that’s okay for now. As his father, I am doing everything I can
to help him find some comfort so that we can all get through this. As any parent would.I am working with him to figure out how this happened, so that he never does anything like this again. And maybe so that no one else does either.
For what it’s worth, I am really sorry.I will find a way to live in service of the change that we need.
In sincere remorse – Bob Snythe
Basically, Dan, take some responsibility here. If you want to take any credit for raising a star athlete, and would have taken any credit for raising a successful businessman, and a good student, then you need to take some responsibility here.
Because for every entitled, violent little shit that perpetrates their harmful narcissism on the world, there are parents who raised them.
Is it all your fault? Nope, of course not. But given the tone-deaf cluelessness of your letter to the world, I’m thinking you had a lot to do with it. And maybe the best thing you can do now is admit that – kinda like your son should admit that he did do that thing that two witnesses saw him doing.
Oh, and yes, we heard you suggest that your son should speak on campuses about the perils of drinking. There is a kernel of an idea in there, to be sure. But he should probably speak about the perils of raping. Because drinking didn’t do this, your son did.
Lots of people manage to do the drinking thing without raping. Correlation is not, as they say, causation.
Look deeper. And in the mirror.
—
Photo Credit: Associated Press/FILE
This post was originally published on Alyssa Royce’s personal blog.
My brother raped someone. He’s currently in jail. There is nothing remotely hillbilly about my family btw. Yes my brother should be punished. He dobbed himself in. He was also raped twice as a youngster. He was also physically bullied every day in high school. He was also picked viciously by my manic depressive dad who sadly lived in a timed when mental health victums weren’t helped. He’s turned many lives up side down and I’m sad and angry because we always had a good relationship and now I don’t know what to do. But to go on this war… Read more »
Susan while I get your comment and the need to vent I do not agree w/ the assumption that people do not get both sides of the story. Most of us know that persons who commit crimes have had a difficult path in life. It is a shame they don’t take care of it sooner, that they are not brave enough to get the help they need. No matter it is their responsibility not to bury the ugly but try to file it is a healthy way so it doesn’t pop out ugly elsewhere. But we are not talking about… Read more »
There is more than 1 victim in this case including our society. People we have work to do.
@ Danny “1 man out of a 100 does something bad and 10 out of that same hundred contribute to stopping him means that men as a whole are bad. – See more at: It’s not just that. When I take offense to Magzo’s use of #whitemaleprivilege and Aditi’s assurance that it is regardless of the actions of the two white, male, heroes; I have to ask this question. Why does privilege theory not apply to these white men just because they did something noble? There are many feminists who visit GMP less radical by far. Maybe one can explain.… Read more »
Seems to me, the issue here is that “I never make mistakes.” It’s simply a form of denial. The father’s kid would NEVER do something like rape a woman, and so therefore – even though he fucking did – he didn’t, and there’s some other reason… Even though it’s a massive mistake, it’s clearly systemic that nobody in that household makes a mistake. This is just a larger example of that. If that’s the father, that kid had no hope of becoming a happy, whole, emotionally mature human. This provides absolutely no excuse, but does help explain the. Complete lack… Read more »
My 11 year old daughter goes to a nice school and had her butt slapped by a 13 year old boy while she was just walking down the hallway to lunch. The boy was suspended for only 1 day. I hope he learned that he does not have the right to put his hands on any girl without permission, or he could be the next Brock.
I strongly suspect that Ms. Royse does not see white men as fully human, and here’s why: Mr. Turner’s letter to the court was written as a character reference for his son. Speaking as a lawyer, I can confirm that the submission of character references from offenders’ parents is an unbelievably mundane part of our justice system. If happens in hundreds of courtrooms throughout the country every single day. And I can guarantee you that somewhere out there–probably in the last week–a letter was written by the parent of a person of color, on behalf of their convicted criminal child,… Read more »
Some articles may take the stance that you described. This one did not. As long as you brought it up, however, how many of those letters to the court in the cases of young black men resulted in a six-month sentence? The inequities are glaring.
I disagree, and I think that the logic of your comment demonstrates the fundamental problem here. You are upset because–in your perception–“young black men” do not receive the same treatment by the justice system (I take issue with this because my understanding is that the race of the victim often matters more in sentencing than the race of the perpetrator, which is yet another level of nuance that’s being ignored here). But assuming this is true, that means that your real issue is with the preferential treatment of Dan Turner’s son, and not with Dan Turner’s letter. In other words,… Read more »
I’m going to stick up for Alyssa here because I don’t think it’s her fault. We can only see what’s in front of us. I question why the letter got so much media attention. It’s a horrific crime for sure, but there are other equally serious crimes where these letters didn’t come to light. In certain articles there may be some opaque reference to a letter, but nothing in my experience to be this in depth. She’s just reacting to what’s there. I don’t think she targeted white men in particular.
I will acknowledge that in some sense it’s unfair of me to place the blame at Ms. Royse’s feet; but nonetheless I think it’s important to ask: why did THIS letter come to light? What is it about Dan Turner’s letter that is so much more shameful than what must be hundreds (if not THOUSANDS!) of similarly tone deaf letters from equally horrific crimes? I submit that what’s happening here is that Mr. Turner is not actually being publicly shamed because of his letter, but because he wrote the letter AND he and his son both benefit from white male… Read more »
I can agree with much of that. I will say this though. It’s her story to tell so I won’t tell it for her. It’s not my place, but she has reasons where the story of a rape would elicit an extremely emotional response. I have reasons too, which I’m not anywhere near in an emotional position to attempt to relate that might put me in the same position if I knew the details of the crime. There is a reason why I avoid that and it allows me to stay relatively level headed in an emotionally charged story. I… Read more »
It’s been a year since your comment. Did you learn anything at all from Ms Royse’s wisdom? If not, please try to and then teach others who need to understand the message she conveyed. How can we expect our children to take responsibility for their actions when we do not? The whole issue of rape and who he was/is, are only details of a much bigger story that prove this is something everyone needs to learn to incorporate ASAP. Then, and only then, will the crimes against our fellow humans drop dramatically. IMO, Ms Royse is a Hero for saying… Read more »
I case you don’t see the point made on another post, I want to bring this up. It both explains some of this and proves your point IMO. “Turner is appealing his conviction, court spokesman Joe Macaluso said.” http://www.ctpost.com/news/crime/article/Dad-of-ex-Stanford-swimmer-says-son-has-paid-7966265.php I’m not a lawyer, but it’s my understanding that if you’re going to appeal a decision, you can’t go around taking responsibility for the crime. I’m shocked that he got 6 months especially in the absence of remorse and they want to risk a retrial and re-sentencing. They have to be counting on either the woman not wanting to go to… Read more »
What bothers me is that the police and district attorneys never took rape seriously for a long time and in many cases, still don’t when you look at the huge backlog of rape kits that have not been tested because the police don’t want to put in the money and resources for their police labs to do their jobs.
I do hope this letter gets to the rapists family..
He made an utter fool of himself with what he wrote, a copy should go to the judge,
Thanks Alyssa for writing this, it needed to be said..
Sincerely Susanne Kabotoff
Brilliant piece…Alyssa hit the nail squarely on the head… and f*ck that troll in the previous “women do it too” post.. this is about #affluenza and #whitemaleprivilege PERIOD… end of story.
“#whitemaleprivilege”
There were two (I think both were white, but I know at least one was) who stopped it. So you want to hate on white men some more?
This is white male privilege because a man of colour, of a lower social class, without the fancy athletic scholarship to the fancy college, wouldn’t have gotten only 6 months in County Jail. No judge would have, this is seen repeatedly in history, worried about how much of an impact prison would have on a young black man for instance. Not that they should in any case. Rape is a violent offence and it should be treated as such no matter who the perpetrator is, or how fast he can swim. This isn’t hating on all white men, everyone knows… Read more »
*if you’re going to deny that Brock Turner’s whiteness has a lot to do with his light sentence, you’re kidding yourself.
Bet this post get’s deleted even though it violates no rules whatsoever: Aditi- explain Sam Ukwuachu- prominent black athlete. same sentence. same violent crime. same ham-handed pleas for probation only by parents. The point is- no one denies sentencing disparities but your outrage over this crime speaks more to your and the rest of the progressive set’s personal bias against the perp’s demographics than the brutal assault endured by the victim. Both Sam AND Brock deserve longer sentences. Both men deserve the public pillory being generated all over social media yet only one is receiving it. Ask yourself- why no… Read more »
“This is white male privilege because a man of colour, of a lower social class, without the fancy athletic scholarship to the fancy college, wouldn’t have gotten only 6 months in County Jail.” Oh women get comparable sentences for similarly serious offense on a seemingly regular basis. Sentencing is more a function of gender than race. That’s why the I hate the white man crowd want to frame it in terms of race . It night be white and rich privilege, but it’s not male privilege. “But if you’re going to deny that Brock Turner’s whiteness and social class has… Read more »
This is white male privilege because a man of colour, of a lower social class, without the fancy athletic scholarship to the fancy college, wouldn’t have gotten only 6 months in County Jail.
White man and black man commit similar crimes.
White man gets light sentence, black man gets the book thrown at him.
Both are men. Explain how male privilege figures into that.
You know the drill.
1 man out of a 100 does something bad and 10 out of that same hundred contribute to stopping him means that men as a whole are bad.
Sam Ukwuachu got the same sentence for the same crime as Brock Turner.
You’re a softy!
Had it been me, my father would probably disown me, and then die of a broken heart. My mother…
I really think that she might slit my throat herself.
Well stated. Thank you for putting into words what should be said.
I agree. Thank you for this post. Spot on.
Excellent article! How can anyone deny there’s a rape culture in this country? As the father of two wonderful daughters, I’m fed up with the defenders of rapists. Be forewarned: Expect a few whiny “blame the victim” comments from MRAs.
Ordinarily, I don’t have much faith in petitions; but here I’ll make an exception by posting a link to one calling for the recall of the despicably lenient judge in this case:
http://act.weareultraviolet.org/sign/stanford_judgeperskyrecall
There have been at least a dozen articles posted on MRA boards about this story. Suspect that most are feminist brigading. I’ve seen 2 or 3 comments in support of this guy from the same user out of 100s of comments on these posts. I haven’t checked the posting history so I can’t say for certain it was a feminist plant, but wouldn’t be surprised. It did get down voted to oblivion and elicited one very fierce response, which I didn’t appreciate because I’ve been trying very, very, hard not to read the details of the case. The comment confirmed… Read more »
Here is one such story discussed about on MRM boards. Maybe you want to ask yourself why you never heard of it. It seems like something worthy of coverage, but maybe the defendant’s gender has something to do with it. It isn’t just a judge, but an entire judicial system that protects her. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-06-03/australian-principal-accused-of-74-child-sex-charges-walks-free/7473246 “For two years, she has managed to evade 10 extradition proceedings, claiming that she faces panic attacks whenever scheduled court dates arise and that she is too unwell to attend court. On Thursday, a long-awaited report from the district psychiatrist agreed she was mentally unwell and… Read more »
“Expect a few whiny “blame the victim” comments from MRAs”
*eyeroll*
who’s derailing now, Jackass?
Thanks Alyssa for saying all this . It needed to be said and I am glad you used tough language because it really was necessary!