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You’re sitting in a meeting room waiting for your client to enter. You’ve never met before, and you only know his name is Sam. You plan to establish some rapport before diving into the substance of the negotiation. You’ll probably touch on a sports reference, the same icebreaker that’s brought you success in the past. Talking about sports. That’s what guys do.
The door opens. A woman walks in, extends her hand to shake yours, and says with a smile, “Hi, I’m Sam.”
What’s your reaction? Will you still launch into your opening remarks and go-to sports references?
Our ideas about gender influence every interaction
We all carry stories about gender with us. Girls do this, and boys do that. We learn these stories when we’re young, at home, in school, in our communities, and in the media. We make assumptions—based on gender alone—that govern how we interact with people of the same or opposite gender.
Very often, we’re not even aware that we hold these stereotypes until we encounter something different from what we expected. Go back, for a minute, to the story of Sam. You expected Sam to be male and prepared accordingly. But when you see that Sam is a woman, you begin to question your assumptions and preparation.
Should your approach to the negotiation change or remain the same? After all, you’re still negotiating with a client, regardless of whether that client is male or female. In your mind, it’s a tough call. The stories you carry about man-to-man negotiations differ from the stories you carry about man-to-woman negotiations.
Still, on a conscious level, you know that not all men and women are the same; you should be open to getting to know the client as a person first. In order to do that and move the relationship along so that you can engage in collaborative negotiations that are mutually beneficial, you need to do some introspection.
Start with these three steps:
1. Identify what influences and shapes your thoughts about gender. To recognize the qualities you automatically assign to men and women, you need to sleuth out where your ideas about gender come from. Did you grow up in a culture with set, rigid roles for men and women? Are there any strong female figures in your life? How are women portrayed in your favorite movies and TV shows?
Identifying these influencing sources—and how they’ve shaped your worldview—will help you see how you negotiate with men and women differently. Once you can clear away the stories you’ve been carrying about gender, you’ll have better-quality negotiations.
2. Enter your negotiations with genuine curiosity. At the start of a new negotiation, you probably don’t know the client well enough to tweak your negotiation approach. But you do, however, know that you want a collaborative relationship.
Prepare in advance as you always would, then enter into the negotiation with genuine curiosity. This will help you remain open and more easily connect.
If your negotiating partner is a woman, keep in mind that her approach may be based on her own gender stories—or her assumption that you’ll treat her differently because she’s a woman.
3. Take a look at your negotiating strengths and weaknesses. Now that you have more clarity about your worldview, your role as a negotiator, and the type of relationship you want with your client, you’re ready to analyze your skill sets.
Which strengths will help you and your client negotiate? Which weaknesses will get in the way? What tools can you use to bridge any gaps?
A trait of successful negotiators is knowing what they bring to the table. Going through a series of self-exploratory exercises to understand the stories you carry is one critical step in the process. Being mindful of these stories will help you negotiate more effectively.
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This content is brought to you by Beth Fisher-Yoshida, Ph.D., CCS
Beth Fisher-Yoshida, Ph.D., CCS, is a global expert and educator in negotiation and communication. She’s the program director of Columbia University’s Master of Science in Negotiation and Conflict Resolution, a negotiation consultant for the United Nations, and the CEO of the consulting agency Fisher Yoshida International. Her new book, New Story, New Power: A Woman’s Guide to Negotiation, helps women of all ages make successful negotiations a reality. Learn more at bethfisheryoshida.com.
