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Last week, the Huffington Post tackled advice for newborn dads and they fumbled. Their tips included sideline jobs of parenting like learning the car seat and keeping the pantry stocked. Really? We are going to help new dads looking to be more involved by giving them handymen tasks?
Any dad looking for advice is looking to be involved. This list alienates by assigning new dads tasks that keep them from actively engaging in parenthood. If dads are coming to a parenting blog for advice, they are ready to raise the bar. It’s time parenting professionals get on board and support them.
Supporting dads means encouraging them to be involved and supporting their efforts in word and in action. Often times, it can be done by adding just one “and” to the advice given. Learn the car seat AND attend as many well-baby visits as possible. Assemble the breast pump AND take care of as many feedings as your schedule allows.
We will not succeed at parenting equality or in supporting involved dads if we do not change the way we view fatherhood. Being a dad is not about being a handyman. It’s not a sideline job or a supporting role. It’s about being present. Every day. Every opportunity. It’s about using our words in parenting blogs to promote dads rather than promoting the old ideas of moms being the primary parent.
If we talk about dads as being capable, more will see themselves as such. If we continue to dismiss their importance in the lives of their families, we are weakening family systems rather than reinforcing them. We fail fathers when we promote old stereotypes rather than questioning them.
Admittedly, I went on a bit of a rant after reading this article. I was pretty outraged at how condescending and dismissive I found it to be for new dads. Championing Prince William as an “involved dad” because he wanted to put his son in the car seat on his first trip from the hospital was just ridiculous to me. It’s a no-brainer. A new dad takes his baby home. It’s what dads do, prince or not.
Then, I took my rant to a place where I thought it would get a ton of support. I brought it up to some moms, and alas, I was shocked—some of them liked the article. They wished their husbands had such a list when their babies were born.
Crap.
If moms believe that these are the only things they need the father’s help with, dads don’t stand a chance.
In order to promote parenting equality and involved dads, conversations need to be had with moms, too. You don’t have to read many mommy blogs before you find one complaining about and dismissing the role of fathers. Those entries get a lot of praise and comments.
The old stereotype is safe for many. Dads don’t have to risk trying to be involved and bungling it up. Moms don’t have to feel their role as mothers threatened, experience change, or sacrifice control. They don’t risk feeling abandoned when their spouse doesn’t show up. Parenting experts can play it safe with recycled tips and tricks.
If we want to help new dads, we have to change the message. Not only are you an important part of this child’s life, you are necessary. You are capable. Your relationship with your child is one of the most important things you will ever do. Being this child’s dad matters.
Articles like the one in the Huffington Post exist for a reason. They are written for the dad content on the sidelines and the mother who accepts him being there. This article isn’t for those dads. This article is for the dad who clicks on a link suggesting parenting advice for newborn dads and hopes to find more than a reminder to do the online banking in a timely manner.
Here’s a real message to dads of newborns. This is tough work. You’ll be tired. Little decisions you make will start to cause more worry than you are familiar with. You’ll be happy. You might be scared. No matter what you’re feeling, you are capable.
Need real help with being a new dad? Hold that baby as often as you can. Seek out 1:1 time with your son or daughter. Perceive opportunities for connection and grab every single one. Ask questions. Routines will become familiar when you participate in them regularly. Give your opinions. Be present. Being a good parent isn’t about having all of the answers. It’s about being willing to find out when you are lost or unsure.
Your child needs you. Your relationship with your little one will influence who he or she becomes. Yes, babies come with a lot of stuff and you will need to assist with that stuff. Sure, you may gopher sometimes but that is not your primary role. Get involved. Give lots of hugs, and change lots of diapers.
You are a parent now. Get comfortable with parenting.
If you are a mom, ambivalent dad, or other parenting professional reading this, get on board. The bar for dads is being raised.
Are you in?
This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo: iStock
Oh, my. I went and had a looks at he hufpo article. What a condescending piece of rubbish. To me, the key bit there is when she writes Sometimes, dads want to play the role of father and help their wife. It sets the tone of the piece, and it tells us about the assumptions she’s making. And those are assumption I just can match up with the reality I know as a father. I do not play the role of father. I am the father of my children. At not sometime but all the time. Every day. And I… Read more »
Thanks for your participation here, Lars. I enjoyed your thoughts. It’s my hope that once a man does make it clear in word and action that he wants and expects to be an equal parent that people will let him be just that. The more I am talking to dads about this, the more I am finding that there is a lot of resistance to the idea. I met with a dad recently whose job is quite flexible so he does a lot of the school meetings, classroom volunteer things, etc and the teacher asked him if there was a… Read more »
Great post, Heather! Isn’t it too bad we can’t just talk about good parenting rather than distinguishing between good moms and good dads? I know it is unrealistic to put aside gender differences altogether but the essence of good parenting is the same regardless of genetics!
I wish that were the case, Ben, for sure. The more I look at and study this issue, the more entrenched I see how entrenched we are in stereotypical views of parenting. More often than not the word “parenting” seems to have an undercurrent of talking to moms. I am seeing it in the mommy blogs, in parenting magazines, in how courts determine custody, and in the workplace. It’s hard for dads to join the discussion and have a point of view. I do see it changing, though. One of my Facebook followers said that his dad told him that… Read more »
Heather, you said “One of my Facebook followers said that his dad told him that each generation of dads improves upon the generation before so he will be a better and more present dad than his father was and so forth. I am finding that to be true and any advocacy that can be done to speed things up is probably a good thing.” I agree but it applies to dads who are allowed to be present. I find that fatherhood, when allowed, is evolving in a good way but the problem still exists that dads are being denied equal… Read more »
Tom, Good points and I think we are in agreement. I think socially and culturally we are moving toward a place where things are improving. However, as is typical, our litigation system is the last to catch up with the changing times. The idea that customary custody for dads is still Wednesdays and every other weekend indicates a need for advocacy on a larger level, especially when abusive men are being used as the example for why the old way should be protected. Your article reference also reiterates something I have been learning and observing, too. Moms, women, and women… Read more »
“Moms, women, and women advocates have to get on board and WANT dads to have an equal place in the lives of their children.” … Heather, if you were here, I’d give you a BIG HUG for this one. Thank you.
Very nice article Heather. Lots of thoughts about fatherhood which is very essential to nurture and make a good life for kids. Keep writing…..
Heather I absolutely agree that Dads are vitally important in their children’s lives. As a psychologist I find that often when girls begin entering puberty, fathers become distant from them. Perhaps this is due to feeling that they aren’t as important to their daughters anymore or unsure of how to parent an adolescent daughter with all of the hormone changes. Dads: your daughter needs you to be her knight in shining armor. Be present, be protective, tell her you expect a boy/young man should treat her with respect, care and dignity. He should open doors for her, show interest in… Read more »
Hear Hear! My father is a rail (a railroad conductor) which meant he was gone quite a bit in my life, yet when he was home and conscious, he always wasn’t just there. He interacted with his sons, made us know he was there, and got us involved in what he was doing, sometimes whether we liked it or not. 🙂 Years later I’m glad he did. Sure, he was a handyman, but by bringing the sons into it he wasn’t just a sideline actor, he was also DAD. He taught us, played with us, and was a great role… Read more »
I can, and have, left my young daughter and husband at home for several days at a time (business trips, family emergencies involving elderly parents who live far away, etc.) Sure, she’s gone to school in purple stipes and orange and green prints. But she got to school on time, bathed, fed and dressed appropriately for the weather. With her homework done. And, yes, that guided reading book that HAS to go back to school EVERY. SINGLE. DAY got misplaced. But she had a bedtime story (in 2 languages!) and plenty of bedtime cuddles before it went missing. And while… Read more »
Ha! Yeah, I recognize your descriptions of things about your partners parenting style or personality or approach to how we do things around the house that just drive you batty at times. And you’re so right that it’s important in those moments to remember what a great parent, partner, spouse, etc he or she is and to value all the great things. Because, let’s face it, one reason you’re a great team is that you’re different, and sometime those difference will make you go “WTF?”. And, also, I think it’s important to try to not gender those differences; it’s so… Read more »
What a beautiful article. As a father of three I was moved by your writing especially the last several paragraphs. It brings me much hope to know that attitudes towards fathers are changing. I am a very involved Dad and cancel my work shifts to fit in with being a class-helper and canteen roster but I have encountered occasional resistance from some mothers. Fortunately, many parents are supportive and you inspire me.
Thank you.
JP, I am not sure I understand what the perceived threat moms have of you when you help out in the classroom. It’s unfortunate and frustrating. However, I do think there is some cynicism that views a dad’s involvement in school with suspicion, as if the motive might not be well intentioned. I think, too, sometimes it is just human nature to make note of anything that isn’t common and unfortunately seeing dads helping out in the classroom is still relatively knew. I am sorry you are made to feel uncomfortable sometimes but do keep showing up. As Karen states… Read more »
Great post. And what an adorable photo. Swoon-worthy.
Great article! As a new dad, my daughter loves the time she has with me – my one on one time is the favourite part of my week. It would be a shame for the comments to decend into fathers can do everything a mum can – except the obvious. On a functional level this has some truth, but my daughter values different things from both of us. On a simple level she wants her mum more for comfort and nurturing. She comes to me more for adventure and exploring the world. It may sound a little stereo typed, but… Read more »
Jared, Agreed. I don’t think involved parenting has to be 50/50 down the middle. It’s more like you give your 100% and your wife gives her 100%. Of course, you’ll be offering different strengths and that’s the way it should be. What’s important is that she is getting your 100%. If you were on the sidelines, she-and you-would be missing out.
An excellent article and I agree.
Love this line: Being a dad is not about being a handyman. It’s not a sideline job or a supporting role. It’s about being present. Every day. Every opportunity.
Our role as fathers is essential. That becomes even more obvious when we see the number of children who are growing up without fathers and the negative affects.
I am proud of happy for the realtionships and involvement I have with my children. Priceless.
Exactly, Larry. This is why involved parenting and parenting equality is so important…ultimately, it is what is best for the kids!
Excellent! I keep telling moms they need to chill out and let dad learn – and he can only learn if they hand over the baby now and then to let him. Moms complain they have no time to themselves, but they’ve never given their partner a chance to take control. Dads can do everything a mom can, with the exception of breastfeeding. Everything else is fair game.
Kelly, This is so true. I think it is so scary for moms to think about changing because they are so afraid a ball will somehow get dropped and the kid will somehow suffer. Additionally, part of the old paradigm that we are trying to shift is “I’ll tell your father” so the idea of accepting help from the father is seen as being rescued because the mom couldn’t hack it as opposed to feeling supported because mom and dad are a solid team.
I agree that the tired old “I’ll tell your father” is counterproductive. It also turns dad into a boogeyman. However, I think (in the context of new parents) it’s important to say one of the great things about involved co-parenting is that sometimes, when bedtime or dinner or getting dressed for the playground turns into “missions impossible”, it’s not just OK but actually great to say “man, too much, can you take over here?” It’s a great way to support each other, and it’s a great way to let the children know they have the support and the resources of… Read more »
Absolutely, Lars. I call that “setting yourself up for success”. Knowing that you can reach out to your parenting partner is crucial. I think the “I’ll tell your father” mentality is more about the woman absolving herself of her own power and parenting abilities and leaving the discipline to the father. If all the father does is discipline, he will experience and imbalance with his relationship with both his wife and his kids. Mindful sharing of tasks is different than giving up. That’s co-parenting done right.
Great article! You see so much media questioning if fathers are even necessary today, it is quite refreshing to read an article such as yours.
Thank you, Christopher, for taking the time to read this. I am glad it resonated with you. I completely agree that most of today’s parenting media is behind the times and supporting an old paradigm. In order for perspectives to shift we need everybody to change the tone and direction of the conversation. This includes moms, dads, parenting professionals, and of course, the media. Thanks for your time and interest.