I am always lying.
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I’m sorry. I don’t mean to, but it’s easier sometimes. And to confess even further, I am no longer married, so my wife is now my ex-wife, but that’s not the point. It might be part of the story, but it’s not the point. The point is, we all lie. For various reasons, with various results, we all tell shades of the truth, or omit telling a truth that might cause friction with another person. It’s not an exclusive club. I’d bet you’re going to tell a few lies today. I am sure I will. Sorry.
Last week, I did something a bit worse. It was innocent, in my mind, but it was a lie. Several lies. And now I’m paying for the transgression. I hope the last lie doesn’t get found out or there will be even more hell to pay. Here’s the short story.
Seriously, I see how my lack of transparency with my wife caused my son to be in a very precarious situation.
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I took my son (13-going-on-18) to Lucy, an R-rated sci-fi thriller from the mastermind Luc Besson (director of The Fifth Element, one of the top sci-fi movies of all-time) He had been asking about it since the previews came on. So we made a pact and a plan to go see it on opening day. It was a boy-to-dad secret, our secret, and we mapped our plan carefully.
We were trying to stay under the radar of my mom, his grand mom. Earlier in the week, his sister had mentioned us wanting to go to an R-rated movie. She had a sit down talk with me about responsibility and being-an-adult for my children. I was unmoved. We proceeded with the plan.
So in the lie, we told our family (his mom, his sister, and my mom) that we were going to the “ape movie.” We planned our escape and went to the movie. It was a right of passage. He was a little apprehensive by the R-rating and the potential gore at the beginning of the movie when Scarlett Johansson is kidnapped. But he assured me he could cover his eyes if it got too intense. It didn’t. It was intense. I looked away for a few seconds. But it was nothing either of us had not seen before.
In the end, Lucy is a great movie. Not a 10 like Blade Runner, The Matrix, or The Fifth Element, but a solid 8-out-of-10 stars. Both of us agreed it was a good movie. A very good movie. And we continued to talk about it, between ourselves, the next morning. The kids were leaving on a summer vacation to the beach with their mom, and off they went.
I sealed out pact, via text as I drove away after dropping them at his mom’s house. “Not a word.”
About thirty minutes later I get a text from his mom. “I am disappointed you didn’t tell me about the movie.” Um… Crap.
I had lied. And in doing so I was asking my son to lie. Not cool. I got it. And yesterday we talked about it. I apologized to him.
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Turns out, I was asking him to lie to his mom. That was never my intention, but it was the consequence. And my loving, honest, and open son told his mom we went to Lucy, not the “ape movie.”
Later, via text, as they were driving to the beach, he responded to my “What happened?” text with, “I didn’t want to lie.”
Ah, yes, and that’s the rub. I had lied. And in doing so I was asking him to lie. Not cool. I got it. And yesterday we talked about it. I apologized to him and said we’d do better including his mom in our plans next time. To her credit, she texted me later saying she wasn’t mad, and understood us not wanting to deal with grandma on the issue. She understood and forgave me, in simple terms.
And yet the lie continues. See, if we tell his sister that we went to Lucy, my mom is next on the list. Grandma would be used against us, when my daughter was mad about something, she would tell her about the movie. It’s just kid stuff, but that’s the way it goes. And then my mom will give my son and me the lecture we’re really hoping to avoid. And maybe she’s right, maybe I shouldn’t have taken my 13-year-old son to an R-rated movie. Period. Maybe she’s right.
Thinking back to my first adult-rated movie, I remember it well. I didn’t recall the title until I googled it, but I remembered the scene where Anne Margret screams, “Bingo” every time she has an orgasm. I’ll never forget it. I called it “looking for bingo” from then on. I was probably 13 when we saw it. My mom took me to the movie. I guess she didn’t have a sitter.
So my mom and I have a history of understanding about these things, sort of, if she remembered. But she wouldn’t so why bring it up. I’m just going to disagree with her and avoid a big drama by contradicting her restriction. We were going to Lucy either way.
With my ex-wife, I should’ve given her a heads up. I don’t think she would’ve been opposed. But there was some other motivation I had for keeping it a dad-to-son secret. I think I was testing our bonds, or securing them, or doing a “boy thing.” I’m not quite sure, but I do know I was enjoying the little “our secret” thing. There was something that was just between us, that we were keeping from all the other people in our lives.
A little lie. A little distraction. A little deception. I guess for someone who’s really really sensitive to this, it’s a breach of trust.
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Of course, when he was with his mom and she asked him about the movie, he couldn’t lie. Or he was okay with throwing me under the bus. But I think the issue was really about lying to his mom. The choice I was setting him up for was either tell the truth or lie. He chose correctly and outed our secret and crushed our lie.
This is a microcosm of why we, as adults with full reasoning capacity and maturity, still choose to lie. From time to time it’s just easier. Here’s a common example.
You’ve been invited to a party. It’s Friday night and you are bushed from work and you’d really rather get in your sweats and stay home binge-watching some HBO series. You text your friend, “Sorry, kid got sick at school. I can’t make it.”
No harm no foul, right?
Or is it wrong? Is there some slippery slope of lying, that once we’re comfortable lying to the innocent friend we’re halfway to infidelity or bank robbery? How about the little lies we used to tell the video store clerk (remember Blockbuster?) about why our video was two weeks late? “Um… I’m so sorry, we went on vacation and my daughter left this in her VCR (remember those?). Lie. Lie. Lie. We are just hoping to get some leniency and a slightly lower late-fee. Wrong? Lying?
Of course in my marriage there were deeper lies. But often they were just as benign, in my mind. Not in my wife’s mind. And perhaps she was right. Well, of course she was right for her. It was her boundary that was being pushed and her trust that was being broken when I tried to explain why I had “forgotten” to pick up the lawnmower on the way home. A little lie. A little distraction. A little deception. I guess for someone who’s really really sensitive to this, it’s a breach of trust. And over time, even these little, white lies became false indicators of my lying.
Somehow, if I was lying about, or excluding from our discussions, that I had gotten a speeding ticket on the way home I was just a fraction of a lie away from cheating on her. Things escalated quickly on the speeding ticket thing. I hadn’t lied, had I? I had failed to tell her, sure, and I’d tried to just pay the ticket without a discussion, but of course the $325 charge was going to show up on the cc statement later.
Of course I would be caught. But I didn’t want to “get into it” with her right after it happened. I was still pissed off and a bit freaked out that I had gotten a ticket for failing to stop at a stop sign in the middle of suburbia, and I had stopped. Of course I had. The officer was just needing to fill one more ticket and he could go back to his desk and Krispy Kremes at the station. Damn, was that a BIG LIE? Was that grounds for divorce? I guess if it represents an escalating pattern of lies and disappointments, it could easily be seen as a further failure on my part to be trustworthy and honest.
Well, of course, there were a lot bigger things that caused my divorce, but the exact same things are the reason I chose to keep Lucy a secret between me and my son. It’s also one of the ways I lied, and failed to be honest with my (ex)wife. I’m glad I’m done with that level of scrutiny. And I hope my daughter doesn’t find out about Lucy and get my mom all riled up at us boys.
Of course I will do better next time. I will include my ex-wife in any future R-rated excursions. At least, while my son is a minor… (grin) Seriously, I see how my lack of transparency with my ex-wife caused my son to be in a very precarious situation. And my son made the right decision and in my next text to him, I absolved him of any guilt.
“You did the right thing. I was wrong in forgetting to tell your mom.”
“But let’s not tell your sister, okay?”
He was fine with that.
Always Love,
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
more on Positive Divorce from The Whole Parent blog
references:
- Middle Age Crazy (1980)- imdb
- Lucy (2014)- Rottentomatoes
recent single-parenting posts:
- Playdates for Adults: How to Find Play, Fun, and Love, Maybe
- 5 Myths and 5 Truths About Online Dating As Adults
- The Money After Divorce Manifesto; A Neverending Story
- Prayer for Single Parents, and My Ex
image: scarlett johansson in lucy, promo still, creative commons usage
Sometimes I lie to my wife so she really doesn’t have to be under any more stress than she’s already is in. Is it wrong Hell Yes
I really took this as a sincere reflection until I saw your reply to my post and the defensiveness with which you’ve received others comments. There is a lot of the telling people to look at their lives when it is you who has placed yourself under the microscope. The way the article is written suggests Yha you habitually tell white lies and these have branched into deeper lies in your life and past marriage. This doesn’t make you inherently bad or good or wise or ugly but most would agree this is a negative pattern with possibly toxic outcomes.… Read more »
lilbit, It seems like you’ve got some baggage of your own to deal with. Taking my son to an R-rated movie is not a critical life decision that changes the course of the entire family. Sorry, it’s not that big of a deal. I apologized to my EX-wife and we’ve moved on. Transferring that action to the lying that occurred in my marriage some 6 – 7 years ago, and making the blanket accusation of my irresponsibility is… Well, some people need a place to vent, I get that. And is it okay to lie if you ARE willing to… Read more »
“The forgetting to update my ex-wife that next day, that was the only transgression. At least that’s how both she and I saw it.” That is not about the movie and you damn know it. No one is judging you for letting him watch a R-rated movie so drop that. And you did not “forgot to update your ex-wife that next day” about it; you told your own son to lie and hide it from her! Are you lying to yourself, now? YOU KEEP LYING, RIGHT NOW! That is all about going behind your ex-wife (his own mother), your mother… Read more »
“A little lie. A little distraction. A little deception. I guess for someone who’s really really sensitive to this, it’s a breach of trust.”
More like a blatant show of disrespect and and good for her for having enough respect for herself, something you continually failed to show her, to leave that relationship.
The term lie is a wonderful firestarter, don’t you think? And your “EVERYONE” might just as easily be applied to the kind of lying that involves telling a friend (or grandmother) that you were going to the farmer’s market when actually you were going to the Ice Cream shop. Yes, I’m aware that integrity is built brick by brick. And lying, in any form is wrong. But do you think there are shades, or is it 100% of bust for you? ZERO TOLERANCE, I hear you say it. I hear it in the yells and comments before you. Is it… Read more »
The reason behind the lie – you know, context.. Your context was ” I want to do what I want to do without anyone telling me that I shouldn’t. I don’t want to be questioned on my intention and have to explain myself. I’m going to do something that affects the family without any imput from them because I do what I want” That’s a little different from lying to a friend cause you didn’t want to hurt their feelings by turning down their invitation. and some of us have integrity.. Some people have principles.. like I am aware of… Read more »
The foundation of relationships is integrity. Integrity rests on our word. If our word is only “sometimes” reliable, any rational person concludes that our integrity is suspect. Like it or not, that is crazy-making for the ones trying to engage in any kind of relationship with you. Remember “The Boy Who Cried Wolf?” It’s never WHAT you lie about that is an issue, but THAT you lie. How is anyone to know when to believe you? How are your family, friends, co-workers, clients…to trust and engage in authentic relationship or even conversation with you, when they’re never sure they can… Read more »
Erin, I’m not sure I “don’t get it.” You might think so from this post. This one post, in a long series of self reflection and revelations. I was not setting him up against his mom. I was taking him to a movie, and it was actually the grandmother and her overbearing influence that I was avoiding. If that’s men against women, then I guess I’m guilty as charged. The minor comment, with (grin) was a joke. Yes I understand the implications of objectifying women and strip clubs. I was thinking more of his first beer. It would not be… Read more »
John, you keep using Grandma as a reason why you lied but you did say; “But there was some other motivation I had for keeping it a dad-to-son secret. I think I was testing our bonds, or securing them, or doing a “boy thing.”” So yeah, you are kind of setting him up against his Mom when you teach him that lying to Mom is okay if it means you and him get to bond. Grandma being part of the equation doesn’t change what you said here. And this isn’t uncommon “guy” behavior. Sometimes it does seem that men get… Read more »
If you hate to use a derogatory cliche then don’t. You cheapened your entire response with that swipe. It was uncalled for and reflects poorly on your respect for men, actually. (What’s the male version of misogyny?) There’s a sense I get from all of your responses that you are trying to teach me something, or else make a name for yourself as a wise sage, helping me along the path. Have you read any of the rest of the blog? Could you put your limited view in the context of everything I’ve been writing about and working to uncover.… Read more »
How does using the term “bros before hoes” reflect poorly on my respect for men? Ironic that I’m clear in telling you I don’t think you’re a woman hater and yet you jump on the opportunity to paint me as a man hater. For absolutely no reason at all. You said: “But there was some other motivation I had for keeping it a dad-to-son secret. I think I was testing our bonds, or securing them, or doing a “boy thing.”” ” You wanted to create a bond between you and your son by lying to the other women in your… Read more »
John, would you have done the same thing with your daughter to bond with her? It’s not that we haven’t all lied at times, but it does break the trust. And it’s your caviler attitude about it in combination that you clearly got off on setting you and your son up against the ladies in your family and that’s your idea of bonding with him. But you actually address a concern of mine because it’s not uncommon for men to bond with each other by lying to women. Think of how many husbands, future husbands, brothers and dads lie to… Read more »
And here’s some interesting data for the hungry.
1 in 5 Brits are keeping a major secret from their spouses. — Huffpo
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/01/secrets-survey-_n_5642818.html
The real answer to the title was not addressed yet there are many clues throughout the story and even more in the replies.
Everyone has shades of transparency. That said, authenticity requires emotional maturity and a confidence in ones self, without the need for intense defense mechanism. Wonderful to see the author begin the journey of self reflection using what he felt was a lighthearted story of self reflection. Someone must be having a tremendous impact on his young son that he woud not burden himself with a secret wrong doing. What a strong young man.
Yes, Thank you Amy. The process of self-reflection can be partially about healing and growth. That was my intent. Ah the answer to the title, Why I Lied to My Wfie… Hmmm. Because I’m afraid of conflict? Because her anger and wrath often destroyed our intimacy for weeks, beyond sex, just pure platonic touch. I had transparency issues. I still do. I have more of an issue with anger, mainly other people’s anger. I learned this at a very young age. And I’ve put myself in relationships, or been drawn to relationships to women who also had anger issues, different… Read more »
Everyone falls short of total transparency.
What gripped me was the testng of the boys loyalties and modeling dishonesty as a good option to please dad who was looking to bond with his kid.
There was no testing of the son’s loyalties, it was an oversight at not telling his mom. It was my mistake.
? Im pretty confused then, by the title and entire point of the article. Due to my misunderstanding, disregard my previous contributions as I am way off.
I think this father has had some new realisations about the problems of lying, and that this shows through in his story. But I think he may not be through yet.
John, are you sure there’s nothing else to learn from this story?
Korou,
Sure. Posts are tiny microcosms of our lives. I am learning all the time. If you would like to provide the parable, that’s cool. Go for it. As it stands it’s my own little take of mistakes and failures. And where I go from here, is all about what’s next. That’s a future post. I am arriving here, at this moment and sharing it.
Thanks for coming along with me on the journey. You are free to agree, disagree, voice your own disgust for my issues. Please, while you are doing this, look at your own.
Thank You for your honesty. I’m aware of the phenomenon as I had a husband who was also schooled in the art of “keeping this from the women”by his stepfather.It was weaved into the fabric of his moral fiber. Unfortunately, that habit and his belief that omission was not the same as commission, was part of the demise of the trust between us. If he had just been honest and simply said, “honey, I steal cars for a living and then sell them” I could have made an honest decision to either live with it or leave him.(just kidding about… Read more »
Sash,
Yes, speaking in the moment is about realising my mistake. Boys going out on a joy-ride of sin. There’s a lot more to my life, my failed marriage and my honesty. It’s the honesty that allowed me to say “Hey I’ve messed up. And I keep messing up. I’m going to expose myself so I can look at other parts of the equation.” That’s what I was going for. Thanks for your support.
Lying is lying whether by omission or commission. You clearly have a problem with the truth if the truth would inconvenience you in any way. It is not about and was never about the movie. It is about being able to do what you want, when you want without having to deal with consequences. That is an incredibly selfish and immature attitude. Your Son seems much more mature and smarter than you to choose to not lie to his Mom and to own his choices. I hope that he continues to be smart and live his life honestly rather than… Read more »
M Banks, your mirror awaits. And I’m chuckling at your horror. And yes, I agree, my son is awesome and I’m a beast. A lying beast.
Interesting insight into the psychology of lying, though of course we’re all yearning for a little bit deeper introspection and self-reflection. The man does recognise that these issues cost him his marriage so I think that’s a pretty earnest peep at how these behaviours come back to haunt him. Whether he’s changed or not is his own issue and when your son is lessoning you on the ethics of honesty, that speaks loudly enough.I like this article – it’s not preaching from a position of apparent ‘expertise’ – it’s just a dude sharing his relevantly imperfect perspective and that’s what… Read more »
Changed about taking my son to a movie and deciding to avoid the rub with his grandmother. Yeah, it’s a HUGE deal. HUGE LIE. My bad. Oh, wait… I’ve already said that. Um, the insight comes in the growth. It’s one post, it’s not my life story, nor the full details and minutia of the story. It is a simple story. Without redemption. It is a “I’m sorry” sort of post, but I’m not asking for forgiveness or validation for my choice. I would like some of the angry folks to look at their own little white lies. “Nothing? Seriously?”… Read more »
Man, that is how comments work. People analyze, sometimes assume… and most of the times they aren’t exactly talking to you but just thinking aloud.
Passionate comments? Maybe. Angry? Only yours. I guess you are indeed not ready for GMP (or any other blog/site), but because of your absurdly defensive reactions to criticism. And no, I’m not attacking you.
I agree with the comment regarding teaching his son to lie to women. I was appalled to read this article on the “Good Men Project”. The finale punchline, about perpetuating the lie to his own daughter/his son’s sister, really hit me in the gut. What are you doing, man? Take a long hard look in the mirror because you’re setting your son up for some challenges with relationships with women. How you do anything is how you do everything. On another note…you’re still afraid of your mom? You’re a grown up man making an adult decision about your own child… Read more »
We all have issues. I’m admitting mine. I’m sure no one who is now coming down with their own righteousness has lied in a simple way. Yes, I’m a bad bad man and probably not worthy of being part of The Good Men Project. I’m appalled that you’re appalled. I’m happy your turned off, however, because we clearly don’t see eye to eye. What hits me in the gut is your attitude. (Oh, and leave my mom out of this…)
Did you notice that you lied again when you apologized to your son for lying? “Forgetting to tell your mom”?
Exactly. He keeps lying and evading here, too.
Why are you so concerned about the wrath of grandma? either you she’s right about your parenting and you need to work on it, our she’s wrong and you need to tell her to mind her own business. Teaching your son to lie to to an important person in his life about something that matters to her is kind of an issue.
Not only lying, then. Also texting and driving. What a fine example you set for your son.
My husband and I took my 14 yo son and 6 of his friends (all the same age) to see “Lucy”…we all agreed it was awesome…totally worth lying for!
When my friends and I were in 8th grade, my friend’s mom got us into to see “Apocalypse Now” (and then later, a bunch of us sneaked in to see “10”)…. we all still talk about those awesome times…such a thrill to see your first R-rated movie!
(Grin) Dear A. Murphy Sharp, I can only guess that you are a woman and perhaps even a mom. We’re talking about going to a movie, you’re talking about major transgressions against women. If you’re comparing the two things, I salute your absolute honesty in all things. Did you brush your teeth this morning?
Yeah … it was a leap.
He made a good point, though. And I don’t think you necessarily need to be a woman or a mom to see it and be against lying – to women or anyone else. Teaching your son to lie to women (or anyone else) is bad. Maybe he believes that can really lead to lying and disrespect towards women in the future… we can’t really deny the possibility of it, in a way. He wasn’t even saying that is a major mistake, by the way, you are the one approaching his comment with a more dramatic view. Do you believe he/she… Read more »
How dare someone (it could be a woman, whatever) know damned well and enough about the way many times men and boys like to “bond” with one another by lying to women? And how DARE someone ever question it! He/she questioned the way you like to bond with your son by lying to the women in your/his life (YOU SAID IT: “But there was some other motivation I had for keeping it a dad-to-son secret. I think I was testing our bonds, or securing them, or doing a “boy thing. (…) I do know I was enjoying the little “our… Read more »
Getting them started early with the lying to women? Not cool. Way to go on the apology, but there should have been some realization during the carefully thought out lying expedition. This is where boys learn the bad behaviors to disrespect women, from those that are their authority figures. Starting the lying training on his own mother. A pact to do the wrong thing and we wonder why children do not know how to make the right decisions. Ridiculous!