Dear Small Human,
It has come to my attention that our relationship requires some serious boundaries. I noted this when I told you that I’d prefer to defecate by myself, and you began throwing the holy grail of all temper tantrums. I can still hear you screaming and pummeling the wall on the other side of the bathroom door.
I realize that for the past 3 years, I have been at your servitude 24 hours a day. Granted, when you were a small and helpless infant, that worked. You rarely talked back to me, and all I had to do was give you a boob to shut you up.
However, I am beginning to regret the midnight hand-holding while lying on your bedroom floor and putting my hand through the crib bars so that you could touch me while you fell asleep. My back is still messed up from so many midnight naps on a hard nursery floor.
There is a genuine and very troubling pattern emerging. I worry that we are opening up some unhealthy habits as we move forward in our relationship. Unhealthy as in, I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t get some me time.
So here are my proposals moving forward:
1.The mother will never force the child to give awkward hugs to relatives or friends of the family. The child doesn’t want to give a hug. The mother knows that the child doesn’t want to. And, usually, the receiver of the child’s hug feels awkward, anyway. A completely redundant practice that should be wiped from all family traditions immediately.
2. The mother will kiss all boo-boos without reservation until such behaviour becomes embarrassing to the child.
3. The child will be allowed to participate in a bi-weekly “snack dinner”, where cheese, crackers, and other finger foods will be seen as acceptable dinner materials. The child must still consume at least three bites of vegetables during these meals. The child may request preferred veggies.
4. The child must dress up as a fat baby pumpkin for no less than 2 Halloween celebrations in a row.
4a. The child must adhere to at least three family-themed Halloween costumes after the pumpkin clause has concluded.
4b. The child cannot complain about the Christmas themed sweaters sent to him by his grandmother, even though they are itchy. He will wear them for family pictures, and he will like it.
5. The mother will love and cherish the child unconditionally. This one is a no brainer.
7. The mother will not refuse certain friendships as the child gets older and more social, but does retain the right to quietly say things to the father like, “I don’t like that Johnny, he seems like a bad egg.”
8. The child may scream, “I HATE YOU,” when some punishment is set down upon him that he deems unfit. However, he must apologize to the mother - no less than 24 hours later - on every single one of these occasions.
9. As the child matures, he may play on his electronic devices at his leisure once he has gotten his chores, homework, and a brief walk with the dog outdoors completed.
10. In return, the mother asks that the child allows the mother three damn minutes of quiet on the toilet to play Candy Crush and have a poo in peace and quiet.
. . .
Thank you for reviewing this contract. And by reviewing, I mean listening to me yell it to you from the other side of the bathroom door. I will go ahead and assume that since you have quieted and are now giving me the one-finger wave under the slim crack of the door, that this is your compliance on the issues at hand.
I appreciate your approval and look forward to a long and prosperous agreement between the two of us.
Yours truly,
The Mother
Also known as “Mama.”
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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