Dads or fathers are supposed to be in a girl’s life well into adulthood.
Dads and fathers, whether they are biological or stepparents, are the ones who help build a girl’s confidence. Healthy mothers are supposed to instill in their daughters their own authenticity and healthy dads help promote it.
Studies show that girls who have healthy contact with their dads are better adjusted and happier in life.
Although that’s not to say that girls without dads don’t have the same chance.
Life is complicated. Dads die in car crashes. Dads get diagnosed with cancer and die. Dads do criminal things and wind up behind bars. Dads get deployed overseas and return home in a bodybag. Dads get shot on the job. Dads can be drunks and narcissists who inflict psychological and financial pain on their children.
It’s also just as well that dads can uphold sexist, toxic ideals, too. They’ll tell their teenage daughters ‘you’ll never date till after college’ or worse, ‘you hurt her and I’ll kill you’, many boyfriends have heard from their girlfriend’s dads.
Moreover, children of single moms are better at being independent, are more responsible, and acclimatize to change far better than those in conventional two parent families.
I fall into this group.
I only knew my father for two or so years of my life, as he died when I was three-of a heart attack. However, before then, my parents divorced because he was cheating on my mother. So I lost him twice, once through a divorce and once more through death.
There are five things that happen when you grow up without a father figure:
1.You are envious of other people and their dad.
Every time Father’s day rolls around, I avoid looking at social media feeds, featuring photos of people with their fathers and a sweet caption to commemorate his role in their lives.
2. If your dad was an addict, a cheat, or incarcerated, you might feel contempt for men and their bad behaviour.
Both my grandfathers were alcoholics, as was my dad. I heard stories of how my maternal grandfather ruined the lives of his wife and children through his drinking. I heard stories of what my mother went through being married to one. I despise how their behaviours played a negative role in the financial and psychological lives of my grandmother and mother.
3. You have no idea how to act/behave around men.
Being around women for most of my life, both by circumstance and choice, there was no opportunity to see how to interact with men.
My mother chose education and career over dating and remarrying, not something lots of women would do. Her neighbours and friends tried to persuade her to ‘get back into the game’ but she would tell them she was too busy with life (meaning her work/me).
I’m not sure what to do around men: be my genuine, authentic-intimidating-smart self? Or be the version of a woman they’ve seen on tv/movies/social media? Is there a way to integrate these two types of women?
4.You don’t want to repeat what happened to your parents and grandparents.
I’m a psychology scholar, and I know that projecting negative past experiences on the present or future is not appropriate, however it’s easy to do. It’s subconscious. When things in life are consistently ending up with unions being broken down, it’s hard to see any other way.
5. You have a fantasy of what a bf/spouse is supposed to look/behave as.
Because you were never around a dad or brothers, or uncles all that much, you don’t have an IRL idea of what men should be like. Most of my uncles died or are estranged from us, so I literally have no male references in the family sense.
This results in you, sometimes, liking a male celebrity and looking at other average men, trying to compare them….
Except average guys will never level up to the famous dude, so you have expectations that don’t measure up.
6. You want control over your future and any suitors you might have.
When you lived a life of constant change as a kid, a time when you had no power, you don’t want a repeat of it in adulthood. Moreover, as above, you tend to be pickier in who you invest time and energy in going out with. You want the best and will wait around for it.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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