Ronnie Rock asks: where are the men spending time with children waiting to be adopted?
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I sat in a room filled with wondering souls, all gathered to have the same question answered by a panel of leaders. More than 200 had chosen this session of all the sessions to be at on a Thursday afternoon in May, at a global conference dedicated to fearless discussion about how to care for the orphaned, the vulnerable. At the front of the room sat a well-known author and pastor, a global business executive, a nonprofit guru, and a renowned talk show host. All were connected by their personal passion for adoption and foster care. All had either been adopted or had welcomed children into their lives and families through adoption. All had seen what happens when men answer God’s call to be a father to the fatherless.
And all were there to answer the question: “Where are the men?”
“I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know where the men are. And it makes me sad to admit it.”
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An hour passed and the conversation meandered along a most encouraging path — of preaching James 1:27 as a defining character trait of love for the vulnerable for those who are Christians rather than as a mandate to love widows and orphans during special church holidays, of men encouraging other men to foster and adopt, of thankfulness that someone said, “I’ll be your home” to children who had been rejected time and time again.
And then, things changed. A woman stood and asked why so few men traveled to other countries to spend time with children who weren’t eligible to be adopted — the vast majority of orphans who find their home in residential care because there is no other safe option. “The women come, and the women do all the work,” she said with voice trembling. “Please help us. Please tell us where the men are when it comes to caring for orphans and vulnerable children.”
The panel grew quiet. And then the business executive spoke softly.
“I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know where the men are. And it makes me sad to admit it.”
I’ve done both domestic and international mission work since the early ‘80s, and have worked in orphan care ministry for more than eight years. I’ve traveled both down the street and around the world with teams of all ages and committed to evangelism, construction, medical care, education, agriculture, nutrition, life skills training, family preservation, and simply being present to look in a child’s eyes and say, “You are known.”
There is something in our heart of hearts that longs to hear a father’s voice say, “You matter, and I’ll keep you safe.”
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Because of the ministry work I do, I’m surrounded by incredible men who have dedicated their lives to caring for the discarded. And yet, when I think about those who have packed their bags and traveled on planes to developing countries — or those who have piled in cars and buses to care for the forgotten tucked away in crumbling neighborhoods in my own state — I see women as majority.
Now, when I spent four months in Mexico touring on a bus with a band and an evangelist, the scales were tipped in the favor of men. And when there is a hammer to be swung or livestock to be wrangled, chances are I’ll see more men involved. But those opportunities are dwarfed by the need to teach a child how to read and write, or to show a teen how to manage money and cook a simple meal, or to let an adolescent mom see that all men aren’t ogres ready to do harm. Every time a man says “yes” to orphan care – especially simply spending time with children who have been removed from their homes due to abuse or neglect – I see miracles happen.
There is something in our heart of hearts that longs to hear a father’s voice say, “You matter, and I’ll keep you safe.” And I believe there’s something in a man’s heart that longs to be that protector, provider, that arms-wrapped-around-and-standing-guard comforter. I’ve seen it in the eyes of the men who have taken that risk, who have become human jungle gyms or allowed their nails to be painted pink and blue, who have acted like fools to the sound of the big belly laughs of little ones. I’ve seen it in the eyes of teenage boys wiling to be covered in Sharpie tattoos and lose at thumb wars and soccer matches so the shyest of kids feels like a champion. I’ve seen it in the tear-filled eyes of girls and women who offer thanks that Jesus has shown up in rough-and-tumble and tender.
I’ve seen men weep as they’ve held the hand of a child rescued from trafficking, as that little hand squeezed tightly in response to whisper, “you’re giving me hope again.”
I love how men are saying, “yes” to foster care and adoption. And I wonder what the difference is between being a father when the child is in our own home versus being a spiritual father to a child who won’t get that opportunity.
But I’ve seen men rise up and be dads to their kids – and to kids who have become their kids through mentoring, kinship care, foster care, and adoption.
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I know there are folks who will say that the absence of men in orphan care is a link in a longer chain of men being absent in the lives of children overall – of men who consider parenting an option rather than an honor. I’ve seen the effects of that absence on kids, and have experienced the pain of that absence personally. But I’ve seen men rise up and be dads to their kids – and to kids who have become their kids through mentoring, kinship care, foster care, and adoption.
I may have only seen a remnant, but I’ve seen enough men care about orphans to give me hope – hope that more men are out there, ready to say “yes” to being there for a child.
I believe and I won’t stop believing. When the question is, “Where are the men?” I pray you’re the answer.
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Photo Credit: Veronica Rock/Ronnie Rock
Men are too busy trying not to be accused of pedophilia. Heck, some men can’t even parent their own children without someone thinking there is an ulterior motive.
Ronnie, Allow me to impart some knowledge on this subject, as well as to explain my frustration with it. I’ve was a member of the father’s rights movement for almost 25 years, and I’ve seen this issue from all ends. I was there when the message we received was that “men have no business raising children”, and not much has changed. We, as men, are conditioned from birth to believe that we are either not needed, or not capable of being a parent. The media portrays us as idiots and buffoons, and every message we receive about men and children… Read more »
I want to thank everyone for your comments on this post (I’m currently in Guatemala so responding individually is a bit of a challenge). The focus of the post was to ask why more men aren’t involved in “boots on the ground” service to orphans and vulnerable children – particularly those who aren’t eligible for adoption (more than 80% of orphans would fall into this category, either because family reunification is still a possibility, or because the laws of the land don’t allow for adoption to take place). For example, currently about 70% of all mission trip participants are currently… Read more »
Thank you for writing! Obviously, this is part of “the conversation” we need to be having.
The missing men are in plain sight. They are the ones, most likely, supporting the women who take on this role. People play to their strengths and roles that they know. This is not a character flaw.
The answer should have been apparent to you if you had simply read your own words when you stated that the men build houses, provide clean water and food etc. “Where are the women” was oddly missing from that scenario. And don’t bank too much money on what dwarfs what – clean water dwarfs everything and anything.
I’m so tired, so far beyond this bullsnot that it’s a monumental task to even write this. It’s heartening, but to me just more frustration upon frustration. We raise me to believe that they are second class parents. We grant them no support, no opportunity, no reproductive rights, parental rights, not even parental leave. In divorce, still, in 2016, we exile them from the home, from their children, often granting a once a week “visit”, and saddle them with unreasonable support (the more they make, the more they take). The probate court offices are inundated with uncaring feminist ideology funded… Read more »
I think that many men and women still subscribe to the belief (consciously or unconsciously) that the maternal figure is more nurturing, less threatening, and generally better suited for the care of vulnerable children. Even more so if you’re looking at adults who are unmarried and/or childless. I used to volunteer at a short summer camp for kids with certain chronic illnesses, and there was always a waitlist to be a female counselor, but never for male ones. You are probably also facing competition, in some cases on this website, from groups courting men to become mentors for older teens… Read more »
Finding a single mom, and helping raise her children in the place of their deadbeat dad is the new adoption mechanism for men who love children, but can’t or won’t have their own. Most genetic dead-ends I know are doing that, or something like it. The western world is more full of kids abandoned by their biological fathers than ever before.
Thank you Anthony, for not only providing a shining example of what we are, but what we are not. I’m also that genetic dead end, but I’ve raised not one, but two families of such children, even after being tossed to the curb once the first job was done and the kids were off. There are four kids out there today, now healthy, happy adults because of, OMG, a man’s love for kids. Our voices need to be heard. The blame and shame, the stereotype of the unconcerned dad is older then old, dead and buried, resurrected and buried again.… Read more »
Let’s look at this from a couple of perspectives.One is we live in a society that’s pegged men are incapable of raising kids … they’re inept, emotionally limited unstable, troubled, dangerous (rape culture), misogynistic, and I can go on. Show me where in our society that the main stream has encouraged men in any way shape or form to be fathers? The other is the countless men who either have no access or limited access to their own children? A female is fine with having kids without a dad for them, it’s socially acceptable and in some cases even praised.… Read more »
How about the marketing, Tom, how dads are portrayed as unable to boil water without burning down the house. Remember the “Dr. Mom” commercials for Robitussin, the hapless idiot dad sitting on the waiting room bench like just another big dumb kid waiting for mom to administrate the medicine? How about that General Motors commercial that claimed, “our mini vans do more work in an hour then dads do all day”. The list goes on and on. It was worse back in the late 90s when 96% of negative depictions were men and fathers. We’ve changed that a bit because… Read more »
Noe of this has anything to do with you, Ronnie.
You are doing good work, God’s work. It’s just my frustration with the whole thing.
The latent fear that a man might be a pedophile also fits neatly into the items you listed.
If you’re a woman and you’ve never witnessed it, go to a park or beach with your friend/boyfriend/husband and have him sit alone reading a book in the vicinity of a child-play area. Then, find a spot of your own, and watch how other people watch him.
I think that is sometimes true. But it’s surely not the *ONLY* reason men are absent from children’s lives as mentors. Neither is it the only answer we should relay on to explain a complex topic. It’s not simply about men being victims of societies beliefs about them but it’s also a case of the very real choices men make themselves. I think we need to start digging deeper into this conversation and discover other possibilities. Perhaps men are afraid because of their own emotional challenges. Or perhaps some men don’t want to be mentors to children. I had a… Read more »
Yet, we would assert that if a woman gave up her own child because she felt that she couldn’t raise it, we’d all call that selfless.
I think we need to stop seeing every conversation here as if it was about men vs women. This isn’t about men vs women. This is about why men don’t show up where children are concerned. Is that not a worthy enough topic on it’s own? Or are you simply more interested in making this a never ending competition between men and women instead of talking about issues that often directly affect men themselves?