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You hear people talking about keeping “the spark in a relationship”. Once both parties agree to their level of commitment to each other you want to ensure that as a man you do things that essentially please her, that remind her daily as to why she chose you and why you are the right partner for her. Truth be told relationships can get boring in the day-to-day and if you are the type of person that requires constant excitement maybe relationships are not something that you should look at getting yourself involved in. Relationships are about two people who adore each other while supporting each other emotionally and ensuring that each one reaches their life goals independently and as a team.
I received a piece of advice from a male friend some years ago who essentially advised me that in a relationship almost everything a man does is foreplay. It took a moment for me to understand what he was talking about but I started implementing that philosophy into my day to day relationships with women and I learned that this is an important part of maintaining any relationship with a woman that you desire to be with. As I have matured I have begun to realize the truth in that statement, however I also realize that you want every interaction in your life to be meaningful, to account for something, to create memories and moments that are long lasting and that further help to make the relationship stronger by creating a bond of understanding and trust between the two of you.
I reminded this same male friend that before his wife became the mother of his five children that she was a girl, that she has grown into a woman and by his actively participating in the relationship and still (for lack of a better word) “date his wife” and not take her for granted then he would be assured of a long-lasting and supportive relationship, or at the very least if the relationship doesn’t last he could walk away from it knowing that he did his best. He took my advice to heart and they are inseparable and have raised 5 incredible loving and supporting 5 girls.
Here is what I believe we can do as men to ensure that “the spark” stays in the relationship because as far as I know women work as hard if not harder than we do and they also complain about the same things that we do accept that their job never ends and in many cases after they work they are also coming home and taking care of children (or you if you are child-like) so maybe if we step up a bit and do those things for them that they need it could be a game-changer and breathe life back into the relationship. Even if you’ve never done these things before try a few of them and you will immediately notice the change, and ignite the spark:
(1) Do things for her that she wants to be done.
Before some women go to sleep at night they make a mental list of all of the things they feel need to be done in order to maintain order in their lives. In fact, she may have even given you a list of things that she would like your help with. If the woman you are with matters to you at all then part of what we have to do as men is place our ego on the side and listen to what she is stating that she feels will help her maintain the sense of order that she desires. So if it’s a chore that she may do herself, try to do it for her. If it’s a task or an errand that she needs to run, do it for her or go with her to help carry the burden or the bags. No one truly enjoys doing the boring stuff, buying groceries, picking up laundry, picking up the kids, figuring out the dinner plan, etc. But even if we can pick up some of the slack and do so with a smile with no expectation of anything including sex she will see you differently and she will come to appreciate you even more than she does now. It requires some level of attentiveness to get to the heart of what she needs to have done so in the instance that you aren’t that attentive keep it simple and ask her what can you do to ensure that she doesn’t feel so overwhelmed and that you are doing your part, the answers may surprise you. Try to be more of an active participant in the relationship as opposed to being something else that she “has to do”.
(2) Take her on a new adventure.
Everyone likes adventure and because we may be in a relationship with someone and the day-to-day routine of work and other commitments sometimes we forget to ensure that our mate is satisfied. Take the time to plan or in the alternative be spontaneous and take her on a new adventure. And the adventure doesn’t have to be mountain climbing in a foreign country, it could be something as simple as picking her up after work and taking her to a club to dance even if you don’t like to dance. Again, this is another possible situation that may require that you think outside of yourself and your own personal needs. Does she know what you do for a living? Does she really understand what you do for a living? Take her to a seminar with you, or in the event you have to make a speech at some event. Take her to see a client with you, some adventures don’t demand that you wear a parachute. More importantly if she has an adventure in mind find out what that is, even though my editor said that this piece should not essentially be about sex, part of the adventure could be doing things sexually for her that you may not have ever thought of doing, or going with her or taking her to an adult store. It’s still an adventure and you may learn something about your girl you didn’t know before. Play hooky from work and take her for an afternoon tryst at an expensive hotel. Taking the risk of stepping outside the “norm” may be good for the both of you.
(3) Go shopping with her.
I heard you groan my fellow Cro-Magnon. Stand up straight, dust off your palms and listen. You learn a lot about the women in your life when you go shopping with them, and I know some men are still old fashion and may feel very uncomfortable sitting in a lingerie store with her as she picks bras and panties etc. (which is kind of stupid, because don’t you want to see what she looks like in her lingerie in advance?) The good part about that is that you get to see what she likes, or what she would like if she could afford it or what could you possibly bring home to her as a gift that she would enjoy. Sometimes in the shopping experience, you may also learn what she would like if you would provide an opinion on the object in question. The focal point however of going shopping with her is just to spend time with her doing what she wants to do or in the alternative having you along so you both can talk and laugh while doing what she likes to do (without complaining and groaning). Frankly, we are always useful in helping to carry stuff and loading up the car thereby making her life a little easier and being an active participant in the things that aren’t always fun to do. She just wants you to do it with her. I always found it useful to shop at the same time for something I may want, or during the shopping day take her to lunch for a lull in the expedition. Again, go without bitching and complaining, just go. You will be surprised how grateful she will be.
(4) Help her achieve her goals.
This one may be hard for some men but believe it or not the woman in your life has things that she would like to achieve that may go far beyond work, just having your children and keeping your home. Find out what she wants to do in order to get the best quality of life for herself. Ask her what her goals and dreams are and find out what you can do to help her move her dreams forward so that she doesn’t become complacent and begin to feel as if she doesn’t matter in the relationship and that she is being taken for granted. If you think you know what she wants, ask her again anyway (her goals may have changed over the years) If you are a lawyer incorporate that business for her and give it to her as a gift, if you are a banker work with her to understand what her capital needs may be in order to help her start that business or company that she desires to help her feel whole. Are you a Marketing guru? Spend time speaking with her about how she would market her business or product. Don’t be so quick to give her hard advice, but try and listen and “ask her” if she desires some of your insight or assistance. Use whatever skills and resources that are available to you in order to see the possibility of what she could also achieve if given the chance and the support. You can’t do it yourself, ask a friend you know and trust.
(5) Really listen to her.
OK guys, men like to “fix things” we hear about a problem and we seek to give advice or a solution. Listening does not entail you giving an answer, it just means to “listen” attentively. Empathize or see what she might be feeling and walk a moment in her heels. Ask questions without being too probing, in fact, ask permission to ask questions. As much as we would like to think we “own” the women in our lives, we do not. And with that, we have to respect their boundaries as much as we need them to respect ours. If you’re not sure about something she has said, repeat it back to her to ensure that you heard it correctly and give her your understanding of what was said. It takes work to really listen to another (especially if part of the issue at hand is you). But this requires some unselfish humility. And if you desire to be a better man, care about what’s in her head and watch her light up. Besides, the sex organ isn’t between her legs…it’s between her ears. I don’t know about you, but for me…intelligent women are a huge turn-on (why do you think so many men can recall the hottest teacher in school?).
(6) Put down the phone.
This is a huge pet peeve of mine. We are so consumed by these little boxes we carry, we seem to forget that there is real 3-dimensional human interaction. When you are at dinner with your lady, unless you’re a doctor, or your parent is on life-support and they are about to pull the plug. Put the damn phone down. The phone doesn’t do anything but distract you from the present, from the now and most importantly from the person in your life that you claim you want to have a relationship with. There is nothing happening that is so earth shattering that you can’t visibly put down the phone (turn it off even, it does come back on when you hit the little button thingy again). Unless you are having an affair, then I completely understand your need to be in constant touch with the other woman (serious dose of sarcasm). But seriously, this sends the message that at that moment in time, what’s happening in your presence with her, is far more important than what’s happening on the telephone. Respect is sexy, put the phone down. Trust me, she will notice that you have done this.
(7) Give her time with her friends.
In the 21st Century, there are still some men that get twisted when their lady wants to go out with her friends. Secure men are also sexy to women. Urge her to take some time to be with her girlfriends and hang out or take a girl-trip with her friends. Babysit if you need to so that she can have the freedom to let her hair down and have fun. Be respectful to her friends and ensure that you present well when you meet them (they were there long before you were and if you don’t smarten up, they will be there long after you are gone). Celebrate with her and engage in the conversation when she tells you how great her evening was. If she likes to go to clubs she may even feel comfortable enough to tell you she got hit on, or ran into an old boyfriend. Don’t get stupid, she came home to you so be glad for that. And anyway, if no one is hitting on her at all….something is wrong. Pay for a spa day for her and her girls (it couldn’t hurt) Give her the space she needs, in any event, to feel whole and celebrate with her when she returns excited, engaged and grateful to you.
(8) Touch her, hug her…Rub her feet.
Touching her without sex in mind is a sensual activity if you care enough about providing sensations that make her feel desired and cared for. While caressing her, stroking her arm or thigh, ask her about her day…and let her talk freely. Tell her about your day, your hopes and fears. Women, in general, like to cuddle and be close to their mates from time to time. Offer to rub her feet (get a nice cream of scented oil that she likes…the one you bought together on that shopping trip you should have gone on by now) and give her a massage after she has had a long day, or if YOU have had a long day at work, rub her feet (she may return the favor as long as your feet aren’t stinky). Hug her and mean it, don’t leave the house for work or play without a hug, or some type of acknowledgment that includes a touch letting her know how important she is, how loved she is and how grateful you are personally to be the man that she has chosen. A gentle touch and some loving kind words also go a long way in diffusing tension and worry in both of you. When you’re out in public, hold her hand, put your arm around her (not like you’re marking territory) but in a way that communicates to her how precious she is to you.
(9) Make out with her, but don’t let it go any further.
Ava Cadell, Ph.D., founder of Loveology University “Kissing is like facial intercourse,” says Cadell. “It’s one of the most intimate things we can do as human beings.” Unfortunately, it’s also one of the first things to slip when you’ve been with someone for a while, she says. Putting in the effort to do more than a peck-and-go every morning can help, but you can up the ante by making out like teenagers and not having sex until hours later. Feel free to clue your partner in, otherwise, they might just get confused or feel hurt by your refusal to have sex. That way, you can both build anticipation.” Kissing is a lost art. A meaningful form or seduction and closeness that sometimes loses significance in our quick fast hurry society. After an evening out, remember the first time you kissed her and what that felt like. Don’t rush to get out of the car, or, in the alternative go to the other side of the car, and when you open the door, kiss her like you mean it…slowly, deeply, passionately. You may shock her, you may also get extraordinarily fortunate if you get into the house and she wants to continue the exploration further. Rediscover the lost intimacy of kissing, be slow, be patient, notice the creases in her lips that whisper your name, listen to her body, how she sigh’s (if you’re lucky) how she moves when you kiss her properly. It’s so worth the effort with the right woman, with your woman and isn’t that what you noticed about her the first time you became that close, that intimate? Besides, practice makes perfect.
(10) Take her back to the First Time.
How did you first meet? What was the first date? Recreate a moment, a movie, a dinner, a place with her that matters to you both. This will remind her that the moment you both shared was also equally important to you as it is to her. She will relish the fact that you took the time to recall this moment in your relationship and realize that she means the world to you.
Some of these things may sound awfully simple but in the daily lives that we lead sometimes the simple acts of compassion, love, care, and respect can go a long way in ensuring that your mate doesn’t feel taken for granted or uncared for. If you want to put the spark in your relationship try one or all of these items and let me know how they work for you gentlemen, after all…isn’t she worth it?
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