10 Pairings: Attachment Style Compatibility; Is Your Relationship a Good Match?

Have you wondered what was at the core of the positive or negative experiences you’ve had in relationships?

Of course, certain events can grow or deteriorate a relationship rapidly.

What often goes unattended to is the behaviors that lead to these empowering or destructive events.

Our attachment style, which develops from our childhood experiences and past and current relationships, is at the center of what creates our repetitive behaviors.

If you have followed my reading, then this is nothing new. Evaluating your attachment style with your partner will clarify the work you can do to build upon your relationship.

I have broken down every attachment style needs you want to look out for, but what about these attachment styles in various pairings?

Let’s dig into ways these pairings can show up for each other and the hurdles each pairing can work on as they develop.

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Secure Attachment style

Secure/Secure

While every relationship faces challenges, a mutually secure attachment-based partnership is ideal because both partners understand communication, boundaries, needs, and share values.

I know what you might be thinking. It is the perfect pairing, and the couple has nothing to work on because everything is rainbows and roses!

We know that isn’t true, but this couple has done the individual work and created a good foundation for success.

Secure/Anxious preoccupied

The anxious partner has base needs to thrive in a relationship. They need to be able to share feelings openly without judgment, feel a deep connection to their partner and need to be able to talk through emotions and tasks.

The “look-out” issue that can arise is these needs becoming one-sided. As you can conclude, an anxious person will not be great at self-soothing. It can become exhausting if one partner isn’t doing the self-work.

Secure/Dismissive avoidant

The dismissive-avoidant values one thing over all; space. It can come in the form of alone time or the length of time it takes for them to process emotions. That might not be the best mix for someone who finds security in communication and being present.

A loving gesture from a loving place for the secure partner can be triggering for the dismissive-avoidant. The biggest problem this pairing will face is the gap in views of communication in action.

Secure/fearful avoidant

The fearful-avoidant is constantly unsure about their feelings. The hot and cold behavior is something the securely attached partner will have to work to fix.

There are pros and cons to this dynamic. The pro is that the fearful-avoidant can move through the hot and cold behavior when they have learned to trust. The con will be the secure person riding the wave, waiting for their partner to trust them.

The key is to make this a unified effort and not a project.

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Dismissive avoidant attachment style

Dismissive/Dismissive

The dismissive-dismissive dynamic is interesting. Two people who are ok with the lack of pressure and lack a negative view of independence will have a great understanding of each other.

Where it can fall apart is being so ok with it that you forget the parts that create a deep loving connection; sharing feelings, intentional time, and emotional intimacy.

The dynamic will work as long as both partners don’t forget these are the ingredients of a relationship.

Dismissive/anxious preoccupied

Of all the dynamics, this paring will have to do the most work to be successful. Why? Because each person’s boundary and need is a direct trigger for the other.

The dismissive-avoidants desire for space will trigger the anxious-preoccupied to try to close the gap. The result is the dismissive-avoidant moving farther away and the anxious-avoidant feeling rejected and isolated, the exact opposite of what they want.

This pairing will have to create action items to meet the other person’s needs as they grow, or they will inevitably fail.

Dismissive/Fearful avoidant

This dynamic has some traits in common that can help them grow together if they are both doing the self-improvement work. They both want to trust in a long-lasting, deep bond but have the same hesitation in putting all their faith in it.

The fact that they both have a slower progression toward going “all in” won’t be as harmful as it would be to the other dynamics. The issue with this pairing is that hesitation lasts forever, and neither partner commits.

The dynamic can work if there is a universal “end goal.”

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Anxious preoccupied attachment style

Anxious/Anxious

Self-soothing is the key to success. Dependability on the other person can create a feeling of “weight” for the other partner.

Have you ever seen two anxious people interact with each other? One of two things happens; an issue becomes twice as big as it was, or understanding each other can stop things from snowballing.

Anxious/fearful avoidant

Take a wild guess on what happens when you mix someone hot and cold with someone who needs constant reassurance.

The fearful partner will go back and forth and wonder if the effort is worth it, while the anxious partner will go back and forth between feeling abandoned and loved.

The fearful-avoidant partner can go back and forth, creating the instability that drives the anxious person into turmoil, or they can both work together and do the self-work it takes to work on the trigger of their partner.

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Fearful avoidant attachment style

Fearful/fearful

Partners of the same attachment style tend to be able to fair well together if they do the self-work to improve. Attachment styles pair well together because the actions of the other aren’t shocking.

For this dynamic, one core desire is prevalent; trust in the long term.

The hot and cold behavior comes from a desire for a deep connection but the hesitation of not wanting to get hurt.

The dynamic will work if there is a balance between the hot and cold, so you can avoid becoming on and off.

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The takeaway from this article is that some attachment styles stand a better chance of success together than others.

The other takeaway is that these attachment styles can do the work it takes to become securely attached as they grow.

Do not look at this article and think, “how can I navigate my pairing and stay the way I am.”

The outlook is to know where you start at a base level and grow from there.

It can take months to years of work, depending on where you are, but it needs to be a shared mission, not two individuals combating each other.

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Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style

Fearful avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style