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We are taught early on that unconditional love is the best standard. Because that’s how Aladdin loved Jasmine, Prince Charming loved Cinderella, and The Prince loved Snow White, it’s what we should aim for.
Books, films, TV series, and fairy tales — romantic love, friendship love, or a mother’s love for her kid — exemplify loving someone without conditions.
Furthermore, unconditional love’s evil stepsister is conditional love. Is it terrible, though, to be in a conditional love relationship? Is it possibly healthy? Or does it depend on your situation and the fact that we are all imperfect humans living in the real world?
I’ve witnessed how good it can be to love someone conditionally and how harmful unyielding love can be, even while my heart longs for Disney’s unconditional love.
Conditional Love: What Is It?
Although it could appear like normal affection and love, it becomes evident that the love isn’t real and indeed provided when the person you love withholds their passion because you haven’t met their requirements.
Instead, love is bestowed only when you have fulfilled specific requirements.
Limited love has an uncomfortable feeling that is overwhelmed by expectations, whereas “real” or unconditional love feels fantastic since you know you are loved and beloved without any concerns.
Over time, you understand that those who show you affection only do so under certain conditions when things are good in your life.
11 Telltale Indications That Your Relationship Is Unhealthy and Conditional
The test comes when your close-knit romantic partnership starts to feel toxic in a healthy conditional relationship; who gets what is equal and well-defined?
When things go wrong, the conditional connection can become extremely toxic. Here are some indicators that your relationship has deteriorated.
1. There’s Not Enough Help
Relationships with conditions can also be helpful. When that support stops or becomes one-sided, it may be a sign that your relationship is unhealthy (in addition to being conditional).
You know you are in a toxic relationship when you come to terms with the fact that you cannot trust your spouse, that they are self-centered, and that they do not have your best interests at heart.
It’s a symptom that your partner is extreme and self-centered when you don’t feel supported.
It would help if you talked to someone about these emotions because being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support you can be psychologically harmful and make you doubt your abilities.
2. You Experience A Less Than
Although you should be the sole one working on your ego, in a relationship, your partner’s love helps you feel more like yourself.
If your relationship is based on unhealthy, limiting love, you may feel unworthy. You may not be good enough for your partner, and soon, you may think everything in life is terrible.
Make sure you surround yourself with positive energy and people who accept and adore you for who you are. If there are high expectations involved, it could be time to consider ending the unhealthy relationship.
3. There Was No More Trust
We must have a successful and healthy relationship with trust. If you both believe the other is looking out for your best interests, your “fair weather love” relationship can survive.
You know you are in a toxic relationship when you come to terms with the fact that you cannot trust your spouse, that they are self-centered, and that they do not have your best interests at heart.
Even if their regard for you is occasionally conditional, they should nonetheless have it. If they don’t listen to you, it’s time to move on.
4. “It’s Me. The One at Fault Is Me.
Similar to the popular song, you’re in a toxic and highly conditional relationship if you feel that you’re the one who gets blamed for everything.
It goes without saying that when you are with a toxic spouse whose love is so conditional that it makes you feel like you’re constantly failing, you are being blamed for everything (including the Dodgers losing or the cat getting pregnant).
When your partner withholds affection as a punishment, relationship problems become your fault, and your growth as a team becomes less about them and more about you.
This includes your spouse maintaining a continuous scorecard of all the times you make mistakes or fail. They are in rivalry with you, so they don’t love you.
5. Interaction Is Like a Battleground
Walking through a minefield is how it can feel when you communicate with your partner, who only offers you conditional health along with a heaping helping of prejudice and criticism.
A one error, and you’re toast. You’re afraid to talk to people about how you feel, and you never know when they’ll come at you from above with heavy demands for love.
When your partner withholds affection as a punishment, relationship problems become your fault, and your growth as a team becomes less about them and more about you.
When your love is restricted to particular circumstances, you must be extra cautious in your conversations and constantly feel like you’re treading carefully.
You feel like communicating with your spouse in Morse code rather than truly bonding, and you’re afraid you won’t understand their reaction.
6. People Are Judging You All the Time
Both partners can give each other a place to feel accepted, even in conditional partnerships. However, you could feel up against an insurmountable mountain when unfavorable circumstances are present.
Imagine being with a partner who tells people you are a failure, always examines you like a bug, and never finds the good in whatever you do. That hurts and serves no useful purpose for you.
You’ll start to hear stories back from them, and before long, you’ll be too scared to do anything your spouse would find offensive (such as going to the gym when they’re not into fitness or wearing clothes they’ve critiqued on others).
You may start to fear your partner if you feel as though they are constantly weighing you down.
7. They Don’t Give in
Giving and taking are essential in a happy partnership. Unhealthy, limiting love is about taking all the time rather than being about love. When you chat with them, they will argue against your arguments as if their lives depended on them.
Being correct is always essential to this spouse, regardless of the consequences to you. There is no room for negotiation or compromise in their universe.
8. When other people are around, you feel a ton of affection
When you’re at a work function or around friends and family, your partner presents you as the ideal couple.
They bring you snacks and your favorite drink, hold your hand, kiss your cheek, and dance close to you as they show you their love and affection.
Since there is an audience, your partner makes the ideal significant other when you are out and about, so you might even fall for this act. But that all ceases when you are alone, at home, on the way home, or outside the event.
If someone withholds love or demands something in exchange for the devotion they have to show you, they are a completely different person.
This is abnormal conduct, and it indicates that they only love you if they keep up appearances to please other people.
9. The Lofty and Powerful Companion
In toxic conditional relationships, your partner will typically treat you like a subordinate and act as though they are the expert.
Your partner doesn’t actively promote your growth; instead, they obstruct it by shifting the goalposts and giving you the impression that you can never accomplish their aspirations. They don’t think you’re good enough to be loved.
They will love and applaud you if you can fulfill their impossible standards, but this is not sustainable in the end.
Living up to unreasonable expectations will not work. Instead, your spouse should accept you as you are, assist you in attaining more, and set realistic goals that you can work toward together.
10. The View of Them Is Toxic To You
You should feel pleased and joyful when your significant other walks by or crosses your path.
But if you cringe or get nervous when your lover walks by you in the kitchen, you are with a toxic partner whose very existence makes you sick.
You’re constantly wondering what they see in you, why they keep you around, and what value you bring to the relationship.
You would much rather work extra hours or hang out at a bar than see your lover.
You don’t feel comfortable around them, and they aren’t the love of your life, yet you stick with them because they use conditional love challenges to temper their shady conduct.
11. Your relationship makes you feel insecure.
Being loved conditionally can make it easy to feel uncertain about who you are, your partner, and your place in the relationship. You never know when your significant other’s love for you will end or whether they still love you.
You’re constantly wondering what they see in you, why they keep you around, and what value you bring to the relationship.
There is no accurate way to live like this. As a result of your unrequited love and effort to keep them happy, it’s stressful and detrimental to your mental health.
Feeling extremely insecure and uncertain about your relationship is unhealthy, even though some insecurity in a relationship is every day, whether it’s based on healthy, restrictive love or unconditional love.
Concluding Remarks on Being in a Conditional Relationship with Love
Struggling for unconditional love and believing that conditional love is bad is straightforward.
However, restricted love can strengthen your bond when you and your partner agree on your duties and what you mean and do for each other.
However, a “fair weather love” partnership can quickly deteriorate. Your partner in this relationship treats you like garbage or nothing while you’re alone with them, gaslights you, and openly lusts for you around other people. They also judge you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Roberto Nickson on Unsplash