11 Things Every Single Person Should Know Before Getting Married

I’ve met so many people who say they’d rather stay in the dating stage than get married. And I get it.

There’s a fire that burns brightly during the dating period and keeps everyone warm and fuzzy but seems to die down after marriage.

What most people don’t understand is that they make that fire. They don’t just wake up and find themselves passionately in love.

During dating, lovers are intentional about how they talk, behave and respond to each other.

That’s what keeps the fire blazing.

After marriage, though, they stop trying as hard, and the fire dwindles. Before long, they find themselves scratching their heads, wondering why on earth they bothered to get married in the first place.

Fires die down without fuel.

In marriage, over the years, the flame burns differently. The heat feels different than before.

But, it still keeps you warm. So never stop fanning the flame when you tie the knot.

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1. Build your walls high and thick.

If your buddies are always poisoning your mind with ideas like,

“You deserve better than this person,”

You have to ask yourself where their intentions lie.

One of the ways I learned to deal with this type of advice is to look at the relationship status of the one offering it.

You’ll know whether they’re trying to sabotage yours.

Often, people who see the flaws in your marriage are the ones in terrible marriages themselves.

People in thriving marriages encourage you to put in the work, not abandon your relationship — unless it’s clear as daylight that you’re with the wrong person, in which case, you won’t need to be told because you’ll know it.

So, it’s up to you to decide how much influence your friends have in your marriage.

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2. If you want to bring your best self to your relationship, learn to take care of yourself first.

Do you know thyself? (Think childhood trauma)

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I mean, do you really know what you need to function calmly? (Think personal triggers)

Or do things trigger you because you haven’t identified the source of your anxiety?

I’m learning that I’m a hundred percent responsible for how I show up in my marriage. If I have happy moments, it’s because I’ve decided to be happy.

But if I expect this from my husband, my happiness will be held together by raggedy pieces of duct tape.

Not because he doesn’t want me to be happy, but because this isn’t an expectation anyone should place on another human being.

When you make up your mind as to how you’re going to experience your marriage, it’s often what happens.

That’s why marriage therapists don’t give you fresh tools to navigate your marital troubles. Instead, they train you to shift focus within yourself.

Makes sense?

If you know how to take care of your inside, the atmosphere in your marriage will also change.

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3. You have to learn how to manage your expectations.

Too many people expect too much from one person — a companion, mentor, partner, lover, best friend, advisor, cheerer, and everything else under the sun.

It’s a lot to place on one person’s shoulder.

Because no human glides into the world with that much ability, you have to learn to balance your togetherness and your aloneness and realize that most of what you want, you’ll have to give yourself or find sources outside your spouse.

Emotionally healthy partners have several sources of strength besides their spouses. Creating that space is not only healthy, but it avoids co-dependency in relationships.

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4. Love ebbs and flows. It expands and contracts.

Recently, a friend told me,

“There are times I look at my husband and can’t recognize the stranger standing before me. We seem so disconnected.”

She isn’t the only married woman who feels this way from time to time.

Love isn’t constant. It evolves.

There are seasons when you’ll feel disconnected, and love will take a back seat. This isn’t the time to fold things and walk.

This is the time to remember the values that hold you together as a couple.

Instead of focusing on how you think you should be feeling about each other, focus on what you both believe in.

Remember why you chose that person in the first place.

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5. Financial mistrust can choke the life out of your marriage.

You can be desperately and hopelessly in love with someone, and money will still find a way to ruin your marriage.

It’s one of the top reasons for divorce.

I’ve seen too many love stories crumble to dust because someone didn’t disclose their earnings, lied about it, or misspent theirs or their partner’s earnings.

How people view money differs and can impact how their lives unfold.

For example, a spendthrift feels alive and powerful the more they spend. A thrifty person feels more secure and safe, saving more.

Put these two people together, and you have a recipe for conflict and mistrust.

Almost always, financial stress spills over other marital issues when not addressed.

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6. To have or not to have kids: Discuss.

It used to be that having kids was automatic after marriage. Now, more millennials are choosing a child-free life.

The changes in our lifestyles have exacerbated the challenges of parenthood. Having kids is no mean feat.

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It’s time we stopped glorifying motherhood.
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Some people dream of being parents from childhood, and to deny them that opportunity would be to chip away at a huge chunk of their sense of fulfillment.

On the other side of the spectrum are persons with no capability, willingness, or desire to care for someone else.

Pushing them into that role would be grossly unfair to themselves and the kids.

This is why, if there was ever a critical discussion that must take place before jumping the broom, it’s that of having or not having kids.

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Photo by Isaac Mitchell on Unsplash

7. You have to admit that, at times, you’re the toxic one in the relationship.

The biggest way to manage disagreements in marriage is to accept that it starts with you. (Yes you)

If you can learn to identify your flaws and manage your triggers, you’ve won the battle already.

Knowing your toxic traits and practicing healthy ways of overcoming them can turn any relationship around.

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8. Refuse to shy away from difficult conversations.

We all want rainbows and unicorns in our marriages.

But we all know unicorns aren’t real, and rainbows are rare.

Most of the time, we will be confronted with issues that need sorting out; otherwise, things will start to fall apart and destabilize our marital bliss.

Hard conversations aren’t a walk in the park, which is why most people shut down. But this creates a ripple effect of annoying their partners and causing a rift in the relationship.

It sounds like an easier path, but the problem with being conflict-avoidant is that it allows negativity to fester.

By the time you start dealing with these, too much damage has been done.

Communication — however difficult — gives clarity and leaves everyone feeling lighter, especially when done at a time when both partners are in a good place to address the issue.

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