Have you ever heard or read something, then all of a sudden you explode? Like a button has been pushed, and you are overwhelmed by intense emotional reactions.
A moment earlier, we were fine, but a certain event happens. And in a swift second, we are upset — out of whack and irrational. We can find ourselves getting out of control in ways that are extremely embarrassing, even harmful, to ourselves and to others.
When triggered, our ability to think clearly and act wisely is seriously compromised. When you look at the mistakes you made — the things you later regretted saying and doing — many of them were impulsive responses to your hot switch button.
Triggers are raw messengers that let us know that we are currently sensitive to something that reminds us of a past experience that resulted in our neglect, ignorance, or rejection of our needs.
Our childhood past and the way we were treated by our parents, or in a previous relationship, or the current relationship during a difficult time of separation, or breakup. As a result, we feel unimportant, either alone or emotionally deprived.
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So how do we recognize these triggers in relationships?
We know we have been triggered when we are having a seemingly insignificant interaction with our partner, and suddenly, the conversation takes a sharp turn.
In an instant, we are overwhelmed by intense emotions such as anger, sadness, hurt, or fear. We see ourselves lashing out, wanting to run out of the room, or just freezing up and not knowing what to do or what to say.
We have to notice that a trigger is happening inside of us and that it allows for the opportunity to discuss and manage triggers to build a lasting and healthy relationship.
Let’s look at some things we say that can trigger our partner to want to end the relationship.
1. “If you don’t want to be replaced, then why are you acting so replaceable.”
You tell a guy he’s replaceable; you trigger his insecurity. Most guys feel they are in a competition when they are dating. So reminding him that he’s one step away from losing his spot in your life can set a guy off.
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2. “I lowered my standards for you, and you still weren’t enough.”
Oh boy! You just bruised his ego. No one likes their ego hurt. The same goes for that tough guy you thought you knew so well. A blow to his confidence can send them down a spiraling. When next you get pissed, try to stay clear off comments that reduce a guy’s confidence to zero.
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3. “I’m never playing truth or dare again.”
Girls like to play the dare game to get out the secrets you are hiding from them. You back out of this game, you turn on her investigating brain. She will think you are keeping something from her because women like to overthink.
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4. “I don’t hate you because hate is a feeling, and I feel absolutely nothing for you.”
My friend Sara told her boyfriend of six years this particular statement a couple of months ago, and her relationship never recovered. Sometimes the things we say out of anger are irreversible. Watch that tongue!
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5. Telling your current girlfriend, “I realized I loved her after we broke up.”
Seriously, dude, this comment gets you zero points in the trust department. I know you are trying to be honest, but what tha…?? She will assume you are still hung on to your ex. Don’t say things about your ex that will make your current babe question your loyalty.
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6. “I feel like we moved too fast.”
Okay, I’m totally guilty of saying this one. Especially after a couple of sex and the attachment starts building. If you’ve been hanging out too often and it’s starting to feel clingy. Your partner suggests you both take a break or stop seeing each other. Just remember they are not ready to go all-in with you — so no need to throw tantrums.
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7. “I don’t want to hurt you, but…”
Really? You’ve already hurt her. Just go straight to the point and say the selfish thing you want to say. You don’t have to smother her or make her feel guilty for holding on to you until the last minute.
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8. No buzz. No text. Ghosting “….”
Why do we do this? Ghosting makes people feel irrelevant. I should know it hurts because I always lose my cool when I’m placed on freeze mode. Yet, I still do it all the time. Well, most guys don’t take “no” so well. They will pressure you until you accept to do whatever they are asking for. So the easiest way to get your message across is to disappear on them. Yeah! it’s cowardly. At least it is better than saying things you will regret.
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9. “I wish I never met you.”
Ouch! Does that mean all the love and affection you’ve shown him was all a lie? Not really. But feelings do change. At some point, your partner may desire some other things they are not getting from you, so they lash out and voice their innermost thoughts. Still, it leaves the other party broken.
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10. “I think you are ugly.”
Jeez! You couldn’t be crueler. If you want to stir up a 360 explosion, sure, by all means, tell your partner how unattractive they look.
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11. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I know this one is hard to chew. It’s a polite way of saying you are not good enough for me. You don’t fit what I need. You are lacking in XYZ. We get it. You want to do what makes you happy. It’s OK, but not cool.
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12. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
Damn! I hate this one. Thank God no one has thrown this bummer on me. People have the right to express how they feel, right? Throwing your partner off with the “I’m not in love with you” shocker can leave a scar in her heart. It will be nicer if you tell her how you want to feel but aren’t feeling it because her ‘ABC’ character doesn’t match yours. Like, give her a clear picture of where her affection is lacking.
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Emotional triggers can be different for everyone. We have no choice whether or not we get triggered.
Our triggers are deeply intertwined with our upbringing and our life experiences. But we have a choice about what will happen next.
You can learn how to manage your reaction when you’re triggered. It is important to know why you feel the way you do in response to words and situations for the good of your overall mental health.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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