2 Key Aspects of Improving Communication in Relationships

Often, one of the key aspects that can predict the success of relationships is how good a couple is at solving their issues together.

Besides emotional baggage, I would say that my previous relationships (including the first one that lasted for 14 years and ended up in divorce) ended because we often failed to communicate and solve issues together.

Perhaps one of the most painful things to experience was how both me and my partner longed for reconnection during conflicts, but neither of us was able to do so.

It wasn’t after a few years that I’m beginning to understand what was missing.

We keep reading book after book on communication, and yet many of these books are too generalized and focused on the surface, what-to-do instructions, rather than going deeper into the root causes.

I’ve realized there are two key aspects we need to pay attention to:

Our inner traumas and patterns
Differences between the male and the female brain

The first one influences how open and capable we are of acquiring healthy communication skills.

The second one is about how our physiological differences can impact our perception and behavior on interacting with each other.

Our inner traumas and patterns

Some years ago, I came across a really enlightening article in which the author described how people are often too self-absorbed not because they were born heartless narcissists, but because they were in pain.

As I started to practice meditation, I realized how true it is. When we are in too much pain or stress in life, our pain tends to overwhelm us. The problem is that we might start to become numb from it and get used to it, so we become unaware of it. But our mood might be permanently lowered and we have less tolerance and attention for others while the stress simmers in the subconscious.

So when potentially stressful conflicts might arise in our relationships, they might trigger us more than it supposed to, as we are almost always in flight or fight mode subconsciously.

Also, for some of us, growing up in an environment where punishment was the norm can condition us to subconsciously react with stress towards any potential problem.

If “we need to talk” triggers stress in you as the first reaction, chances are you are used to perceiving problems as potential conflicts, and not being able to feel safe about them in your relationships.

All of these directly affect how open and vulnerable we can be toward each other in relationships, often leading to someone subconsciously feeling the need to defend themselves against the other.

This is why working on self-love and inner work can be crucial to improving our relationships, both with ourselves and with each other.

If we start practicing radical self-acceptance and have compassion for ourselves first, we can start to heal our inner patterns and truly embody acceptance and compassion for others.

What we try to reject in us becomes unconscious. And what becomes unconscious gets projected and manifested in the reality around us, without us even knowing.

Differences between the male and the female brain

Recently, I’ve found Dr. Louann Brizendine’s “The Female Brain” and “The Male Brain”.

These books are based on scientific research on women’s and men’s brains, and for the first time, I have finally found more clarity on why we keep on failing in our communications.

Sometimes, I do wonder that maybe if I knew what I know today, my past marriage could have been saved. None of the two marriage counselors actually helped us on going deeper than the “he said, she said” dynamics, and yet it is so important for couples to understand these two major aspects:

The physiological differences between men and women
The dynamics of our masculine and feminine energies

According to these books, because of the hormonal differences (and our brains have been marinated with different hormones since gestation), we can have different perspectives, priorities and consequently behaviors.

Women are wired to seek out connections and prioritize the harmony in them, so that they are often much more attentive to the subtle signs of the quality of the connection, moment by moment, like a fine-tuned intuitive thermometer for any communication signals (including body language).

On the other hand, men are wired to get the feel of the current dynamic and emotions for a few seconds and then switch the emotions off so that their brains can focus sharply on problem-solving.

Usually, when conflicts arise, men have the need to sort things out logically and resolve the situation, while women have the need to feel safe that the connection is still there.

There are evolutionary reasons behind these differences. Throughout history, women often depended on the quality of their connections to have better chances of survival. On the other hand, men often needed to remain focused on resolving situations, and even being able to respond aggressively when threatened (requiring the capacity to thrive under stress).

Men’s capacity on focusing on facts can help identify what can be improved, while women’s capacity on paying attention to the connection can lead to more empathy and bond. Both are important for a wholesome communication.

I highly recommend these books to anyone who wants to understand themselves and their partners better. Reading these made me realize why communication issues are so common, and how we can actually work around them.

With a better understanding of masculine and feminine energies, I’ve also been able to figure out ways to improve how I communicate with men.

It’s still a work in progress, but I can definitely feel the difference.

Everyone has their own feminine and masculine energies within them. As someone who feels more comfortable in her feminine energy, I’ve realized that by changing how I communicate with my masculine partner through my feminine energy, I can inspire him to hear me better.

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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.

If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:

How the Female Brain Falls in Love

How to Have Boundaries that Really Works in Relationships

3 Feminine Principles That Improved My Relationships

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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