In a previous article I explored the qualities of love in its truest form. Today I’d like to focus on two more overlooked truths.
1. Love is always active and in the present.
“Most people think of love as a feeling. But love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.” — David Richo
What do you mean? Love is not passive — you don’t say “my child is loved by me”. You say “I love my child”. It isn’t in the past or the future. It is not ‘I will love’ or ‘I have loved’. It is active and ongoing.
If you truly love yourself or someone or something, the love doesn’t stop, whether you separate or part, or whether you stay together. It is active and it is present.
Why is that? If you truly love someone, then you love them for who they truly are. Who they truly are doesn’t change, so neither should your love.
You might not like their behaviour or how they treat you or others. But they are not their behaviour, their bank balance, their skin colour, their job or their qualification.
What if they are mean or unloving to you?
You do not need to stay in a relationship with them. All love starts from within, from loving yourself.
You love yourself enough to move towards where you can thrive, grow and live your authentic truth. If this means separating from them, so be it.
Love is an extension of yourself to the outside. Therefore, when you love yourself, you also see others as more than just their physical being or behaviour. Even when they have hidden it away through fear and longing, which is fear in another garment.
Love gives them the freedom and space they need to find and express this in their own way.
So, love means doing the best for both of you even if it means leaving them? YES!! How can you truly love yourself if you allow your sovereignty and uniqueness to be eroded by others? Or if you only see yourself as your behaviour and other external physical aspects? And how can you love others if you only see their behaviour and not their truth underneath?
Your love for them doesn’t change, the focus of your love changes, from them to you. The same applies when others leave you to follow their own truth.
Love allows them to unfold their own path to their own truth while you unfold yours
This is among the greatest acts of self-love. Truly allowing ourselves to love and be loved without condition or trade. Totally and freely in the moment without reservation.
“Love is an action, never simply a feeling” Bell Hooks
Present and active.
2.Love is predictable.
Hold on, what about passion, laughter, rows, getting back together? They aren’t predictable.
They aren’t predictable. They are not love, but can be part of a loving relationship. Loves reaction to them is predictable.
Why? Because love in its truest form can only conceive of loving actions, thoughts, words and responses. This is where love is consistent and predictable.
“Love is consistent and predictable… you can mistake this for feeling bored.” ~Lana Otaya
Love doesn’t pursue pleasure and desire, these are temporary and changing.
Love does not have motive, need or hunger. It does not need to control or judge. It does not need to impress or instil anything other than love.
It does not seek to control or mould the love that is given, nor the person to whom it is given, otherwise it is not love.
These are all the reasons why it is entirely predictable and consistent.
Therefore love can’t have conditions?
Exactly, there is no such thing as ‘unconditional love’. If it has conditions, then it isn’t love.
“There is really no such thing as conditional love and unconditional love. There are conditions and there is love” — Sadhguru
Imagine if someone told you “I will love you if […x..]” Fill in the x for what ever criteria or condition you want.
How could you believe or trust that as love? It means the opposite is also true “I will not love you if I dont see/get/feel ..[x]..” So they will only ‘love’ you as long as certain conditions are met.
As children, so many of us believed our parents only loved us if we behaved or were ‘good’. Likewise we grew up thinking we can only love someone or something if they conform to our criteria.
This includes loving ourselves as well as others — too fat, thin, rich, poor, stupid, clever, attractive, ugly, etc. How many of these adjectives do we use to describe ourselves every day?
Love doesn’t compare or attempt to shape anyone in any image.
Love can’t make such distinctions or conditions.
It is predictable and consistent.
Otherwise, it isn’t love, it is want, or need.
A flower doesn’t choose whom it gives its scent to. It does not mind who is near or far, who bends and breathes in its scent or who doesn’t. It is content with who it is. A rose doesn’t try to be a tulip. It’s only purpose is to be, so that it can expand and create more of itself.
So it is with love.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Michael Fenton on Unsplash