Every time she says no is like a punch in the gut,” Jim, a successful investment attorney, says to me.
I can relate to the punch in the gut. I was there once upon a time.
“I’m gracious. I’m there for her. I listen to all she has to say. And still… sexually… nothing. It’s like my needs don’t matter. Only hers do.”
I empathize with Jim’s helplessness but I’m not buying it. He’s more powerful than he thinks.
Do you feel hopeless in a sexless marriage?
It can feel absolutely futile at times. The one person you’ve given your sexuality to is completely shut down to you.
And eventually, you start to shut down to her as well.
Maybe you’ve stopped trying to initiate sexual intimacy because you fear more rejection.
Do you get sexually rejected by your wife?
Jim’s strategy was common among many guys I coach. He tried to do as much as he could for her to score “brownie” sex points.
“I gave her two nights this week to herself, off from the kids. I came home early from work. And then she asked for… and I…”
I know the story. I’ll spare you the details. I’ve heard it many times. And it’s a common failed strategy of how men attempt to revive a sexless marriage.
Without knowing it, Jim was shooting himself in the foot. He was stuck in a transactional mindset, common among men.
He thought that if he did A, B, and C in meeting his wife’s needs, he was justified to believe that she should meet his physical needs.
Have you unconsciously tried to justify your sexual needs to your wife?
Let’s be clear, this is a man’s perspective. Not a woman’s. A transactional mindset rewards a guy at work. Get A done, get B payoff.
But at home, it lands a man flat on his ass. Relationship does not work that way.
In fact, Jim was undermining the very thing his wife needed most from him, which I talk about in the video below.
Jim’s wife appreciated his efforts and she told him so. But that did not turn her on or open her up sexually to him.
She saw through his strategy. Felt his inauthenticity. Saw that he was engaged in a strategy of — I do this for you, then you do this for me.
And she wasn’t buying it. You know women have radars for this kind of stuff.
Do you try to earn brownie sex points with your wife?
If so, you’re stepping on a landmine, a form of self-sabotage, undermining the very objective that you’re trying to achieve.
And what gets undermined is a BIG THING that she needs from you to be sexually open to you. It’s the first tip to revive a sexless marriage that I speak to below. And it’s about safety.
If she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you, she won’t feel sexually safe.
And her emotional safety tanks when she feels like the object of your transactional strategy, regardless of your logic or justification.
Jim was trying to do everything to earn sex points with his wife. It did not increase her emotional safety with him. It actually diminished it.
But hell yeah, I’ll take a few nights off from the kids, I could see her saying to her girlfriends. But come on, she laughs, that’s going to get me to have sex with you?
Sounds cruel but doing A to get B doesn’t make you attractive to her nor does it make her feel safe with you as a man.
In the video below, discover 2 powerful tips to revive your sexless marriage.
How can you improve your sexless marriage?
OK, I’m not going to BS you that I have all the answers. But what I do know is this;
What’s worse than a sexless marriage is the hopelessness of feeling like you can’t do anything about it.
So if you’ve thrown in the towel or stayed stuck, you’ve relegated yourself to a world of hopelessness, a victim mindset that keeps you getting more of what you’ve settled for.
Second, change your mindset to be open to new ways of doing things that will make you more attractive and sexy to your wife.
Become a confident man who believes in his self-worth instead of his she-worth, based on whether his wife accepts him sexually or not.
Previously Published on stuartmotola.com and is republished on Medium.
Photo credit: iStock