Even though I had chosen a method of self-harm that would not leave any visible evidence, I suppose I did subconsciously want to let some of this struggle out.
I remember one day I put up an “Away Message” on AOL Instant Messenger that was beyond the scope of the normal teenage angst. Though I don’t remember the exact wording, it was something to the effect of: “I just can’t deal anymore. Going on a bike ride. I hope that helps make it all better.”
When I returned, one of my friends (who I later found out had depression himself) had said, “Um, Justin, you might be depressed.”
Even though I was self-harming from time to time, I didn’t believe that I could be depressed. Again – I had a good life; what right did I have to be depressed? I guess I didn’t realize what clinical depression really is.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “clinical depression is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. To be diagnosed with depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks.” Furthermore, Harvard says that it is caused by many factors, including faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems.
In short, clinical depression isn’t necessarily something that you can control, as you have no command over your brain’s chemistry. However, I didn’t know that in 2006. All I knew was that something was wrong with me, but I didn’t feel like I was allowed to have something wrong with me.
I decided to just try to keep it in… but that wouldn’t last for too long.
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