There is something about the smell of burning human hair that cannot be described in words. During the recent meal prep of Thanksgiving 2018, I managed to accidentally singe the hair on my knuckles on a candle as I passed them out for dinner. This stench brought back of a flood of memories from this era of 2006 Justin.
Back in 2006, the internal despair, paired with a strong hate of myself and my outward appearance, became too much to keep in. I turned to self-harm to try to let out some of this pain.
I didn’t want to cut myself since that would leave marks, which would make it hard to keep under wraps. I had done a stunt previously where I sprayed Axe body spray on my hand and lit it on fire. It didn’t cause pain if you doused it in water after a few seconds. But if you let it burn a few seconds longer, it hurt like hell. I did this a handful of times each week. It didn’t seem to help, yet it became a habit.
Honestly, I never really understood the concept of self-harm before, during, and after this time period. Trying to make inner pain into outer pain didn’t do anything to release the pain, but I couldn’t stop. When my mental demons poked up, I pulled out the can and went to town.
These days, in 2018, the thing that sticks with me most isn’t the fading memory of pain. To be honest, I don’t remember how exactly it hurt and luckily, I didn’t cause any long term damage. However, what I will always remember is the odor. It may not have removed my pain, but that smell as it burned off the hair on my hand will haunt me forever.
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