3 Non-Negotiables Your Fearful Avoidant Needs from You

When the fearful-avoidant is into you, they’re really into you. Like I’m not kidding when I say they’re all in.

Loving them is a huge rush.

It’s intoxicating, intense, and feels like the most natural thing in the world.

But when they pull away, get distracted, or retreat into their head, it’s like they’ve put up an impenetrable, icy wall of indifference. Sometimes you completely lose them.

So how do you get more love and less apathy?

Through a lot of self-reflection, I’ve come to learn that avoidants, especially the fearful type, crave safety, consistency, and certainty.

At the end of the day, it’s about setting boundaries.

1. Safety: To express themselves free of judgment

One of the avoidant’s biggest fears is being rejected or seen as ‘not good enough.’ For more on attachment theory and what an avoidant is, you can read here.

While safety is a non-negotiable for every good relationship, I’ve seen how this is ten times more important if you want to have a strong connection with a fearful avoidant.

I’m not saying you should tip-toe around them.

It is on you (the secure or anxious partner) to make sure you lay the groundwork for a secure environment. You have to approach a relationship with them more intentionally, because they have difficulties trusting others.

Yet, if they’re opening up and sharing a lot with you, you’ve earned their trust. Consider yourself fortunate if this is the case.

Though it can still be a fragile thing.

And having patience, kindness, and compassion are your best tools to accomplish this and strengthen trust. Know this:

Space and silence are two aspects of the same thing. The same no-thing. They are externalization of inner space and inner silence, which is stillness: the infinitely creative womb of all existence.

― Eckhart Tolle

I remember what worked the best with my girlfriends was simply holding space. Just being there for them. In those moments where it was just me and her, that’s when things felt the most real.

It’s hard to describe, but I’d be present, patient, and give them genuine love through things like physical affection and closeness.

That went a long way in bridging the gap between us.

2. Consistency: Always follow through on your word

Without a solid structure or framework for the relationship, the issues that are bound to come up in any relationship are very likely going to trigger their fears and force them to pull away from you, and ultimately the relationship.

How to Build More Trust With Your Avoidant Partner (Without Abandoning Yourself)

The unpredictable nature of childhood conditioned those with insecure attachment styles to be on high alert to any ‘irregularity’ in a relationship.

Anything like a strange or off-putting facial expression, a change in vibe, an offhand comment, or a missed phone call can be enough to trigger their Reticular Activating System (RAS) to perceive things as a threat or sign of rejection.

You can also think of this as hyper-vigilance.

Let’s keep in mind that consistency is not about you being paranoid or fixating your own actions.

Just do what you say you’re gonna do.

Be clear and honest about your intentions and set boundaries. Plus, as I’ve found, being as emotionally grounded as possible is like the Yin to their Yang.

However, everything I’ve just said doesn’t negate their responsibility to work towards growth and emotional maturity. That can’t be argued. If they want to have a relationship with you, it’s on them to pull their weight too.

3. Certainty (about the direction of the relationship)

Don’t jump straight into asking for a commitment or labeling the relationship.

You can be open and honest, but without structure and emotional pacing, your avoidant partner can end up spiraling into anxiety or overthinking when you expect too much too soon.

It’s pretty obvious, but sometimes the hot, intense feelings with them can lead us to assume too much. (Like they’re already fully committed when they are actually not)

And so, if you don’t set limits this will happen.

The fearful-avoidant will take measures to create some sense of certainty. But it won’t be in a healthy way.

They’ll attempt to meet this need by steering nearly every conversation or interaction in a way that suits them. But there’s an issue with this. It’s a bit toxic. Why?

It’s overwhelming and emotionally taxing.

They won’t see that boundaries are essential and instead will ask you a million questions upfront through text or on a date. Instead of letting things flow naturally, they can get bent out of shape if you can’t keep up with their expectations for complete, utter transparency.

In their minds, the belief is if they can find out everything about you, they’ll feel safe and then open up. But it takes time to know someone.

So, for you, again, it’s about showing up consistently and being clear about what you expect and are willing to tolerate.

Instead of answering every deeply personal question, you can say, “I appreciate that you want to get to know me, but let’s enjoy our date and save the heavy topics for later.”

It’s not about being closed off or avoiding the topic, but it’s about creating structure.

For greater insight on this, consider downloading your copy of my boundary cheat sheet here. It’s not a magic fix for every dating and relationship challenge, but it’s better than going in blind.

Final thoughts,

A relationship with a fearful avoidant can be highly rewarding if you know how to speak to them about what they need. Giving them safety, consistency, and certainty are the three main things that are non-negotiable.

This isn’t just for them, it’s for you.

If you resonated with this story or have your own experience to share, please consider leaving a comment.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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