3 Promises That Will Help Your Relationship Thrive

Promises are deeply rooted in relationships.

It starts with the first date — promising to meet up at a specific time and location. And these promises evolve to convey respect and loyalty.

Fast forward to more serious timing — and the promises remain.

A woman’s engagement ring and a proposal are promises to get married. Wedding vows are a couple’s promise to each other in front of their close family and friends to remain committed. In sickness and in health, right?

Committing to a promise isn’t an easy maneuver. Instead, it requires both parties to work together as a team and navigate conflict with a solution in mind. Of course, happy and healthy relationships all have conflict, but couples who proactively identify obstacles will fall back on their promises to help guide them through.

From in-depth studies, relationship experts, and my personal experience, I’ll explain three promises that will elevate your relationship for the better.

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1. Friendship: Promise to be your best friend

“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” — Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Gottman explains how friendship is crucial to a long-term and healthy relationship. The key lies with positive sentiment override.

Positive sentiment override, or PSO, is a concept first proposed by psychologist Robert Weiss. PSO is when positive thoughts about your partner and marriage are so pervasive, and they outweigh any negative feelings. Therefore, a significant conflict like infidelity would have to occur for a couple to lose their happy equilibrium.

For example, my partner and I started as friends before we dated. As a result, I tend to forget our arguments throughout our relationship because they’re insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

On the other hand, our positive memories flood my brain as I recount the memorable milestones like our first kiss, moving in together, and getting engaged. When we get in an argument, we eventually burst out in laughter with an inside joke or callback to another time in our relationship.

We give each other the benefit of the doubt. If I raise my voice, my significant other will assume it’s because I had a terrible day at work and need some time to decompress. If my partner is shorter with his words, I assume his “hangry” nature is consuming him until he gets some calories in.

Whether you started as friends before dating or not, maintaining a solid friendship with your significant other will do wonders.

A strong friendship works as a foundation and security blanket for your relationship. It keeps your relationship going even if a few cracks appear. But, it also provides you relationship insurance when it’s not all rainbows and sunshine.

2. Trust: Promise to communicate honestly.

I asked my boyfriend what’s a promise you should make. He kept it simple — don’t lie.
It’s a simple truth that establishes the building blocks of your relationship.

In our first year of dating, we navigated uncharted waters: miscommunication, jealousy, and everything in between. My partner described our relationship as a bank, with deposits adding more trust. Too many withdrawals, and our relationship would collapse.

Years later, I stumbled upon a similar analogy.

“An emotional bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.” — Stephen Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Stephen Covey, the author of the bestselling 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, used the phrase “emotional bank account ” to describe the level of closeness, trust, or richness in a relationship. A hefty balance in the “bank” equates to a lot of positive connection, trust, and closeness in the relationship.

However, too many “withdrawals” from the emotional “currency” of the relationship can wreak havoc. The negative interactions cause the balance to decrease. When the balance gets too low, the relationship suffers.

You or your partner will constantly walk on eggshells with a low emotional bank account. A lack of trust makes your relationship destined to drown in arguments.

3. Time: Promise to prioritize your relationship

In my late 20s, I noticed a shift in my friends’ perspectives. We graduated college with such drive and desire to conquer the workforce. We embraced an optimistic mindset to follow through with our entrepreneurial spirit or climb the corporate ladder until we could enter the C-suite.

But we quickly got jaded. It didn’t take that long.

And when we experience that quarter-life crisis, I always remind them of one of the most impactful studies from Harvard. This Harvard longitudinal study examined relationships over 80 years. The researchers discovered that close relationships, more than money or fame, keep people happy throughout their lives.

And as I examine my friend group, the anecdotal evidence remains clear. My colleagues who hold close relationships with their partner, family members, and friends thrive. And if they haven’t found “the one”, finding a partner quickly floats up to the priority list over their career prospects.

On the other hand, the workaholics don’t feel happy. It doesn’t have to mean that they are single. Instead, they don’t prioritize any personal relationships in their life.

Instead, they’re stuck in a vicious cycle of working until midnight or through holidays. Burnout creeps up repeatedly. And job-hopping acts as a reprieve until the process continues.

Please don’t wait until it’s too late to prioritize your relationship.

Think about the jobs you’ve left. Who do you still talk to? I know I try and keep in touch, but our contact slowly fades as our priorities shift.

However, the love of your life should be the constant. As you switch jobs, relocate, or start a family, this person will greatly impact your happiness.

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Final Thoughts

A quick recap:

1. Friendship: Promise to be your best friend. Friendship in a relationship is underrated. My favorite couples are the ones that call each other their best friend.
2. Trust: Promise to communicate honestly. Throughout your relationship, tough conversations will make their rounds. But how you approach these complex challenges will make or break your relationship.
3. Time: Promise to prioritize your relationship. Don’t take your partner for granted. When you prioritize your relationship, this increases the happiness for both you and your significant other. It’s the ultimate form of self-care (proven for you to live longer!)

Of course, you must follow through after making a promise. Empty promises are worse than no promise at all.

Ultimately, following through on these promises will make your partner feel like a million bucks. However, an enormous effort is required. This is no set it and forget it type of investment.

Couples who remain committed to each other will make many more promises down the road, all building upon the foundation set earlier. So let your promises (and commitment) compound to your heart’s content!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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