3 Questions To Remodel Your Marriage

After more than a decade of marriage, we found ourselves in a bit of a funk. Our relationship was fine, but we knew it could be better. Little did we know that these 3 questions would unlock a major renovation process.

The weekly check-in

It all started with an unassuming Pinterest post. A set of questions to ask each other weekly. It seemed overly simple and a little cliche. But it was an easy place to start, so we decided to give it a try.

Saturday mornings were set aside for “check-in meetings”. The seemingly basic questions quickly uncovered a whole slew of issues we had been avoiding or unaware of.

Instead of having an aimless “how was your week?” catch up, we were digging into topics that are far more important and would ultimately help us begin to reshape our marriage.

The questions

Here are the three questions that we try to ask each other every week. Some weeks are encouraging and help us feel more connected. Other weeks are difficult and help us uncover the obstacles that are putting distance between us. But every week that we chose to make time for this conversation, our marriage benefits.

Question #1

What did I do last week that made you feel loved or respected? If you didn’t feel loved or respected, why not?

In the beginning, this was an uncomfortable question to ask. A week passes quickly. Work, kids, other relationships — they easily use up all of our time and energy.

I felt a pang of guilt the first several times I asked my husband this question. Sheepishly hoping that he’d be able to pinpoint some glimmer of affection but knowing that, in reality, I hadn’t made any distinct effort to show him love that week.

It helped me to realize that love is an action and it deserves a spot on my to-do list.

We also slowly learned to speak one another’s love languages more clearly. I may have felt like I was loving my husband when I made his favorite dinner on Tuesday, but he may have felt the most loved when I paused what I was doing to give him a hug.

Having a weekly conversation about what made us feel loved has helped us see one another in a totally new light.

Question #2

What does your upcoming week entail and how can I support you?

Brilliantly basic. Syncing your calendars is a crucial step toward better communication. Having a conversation about them takes it a step further. Instead of dates and times, you can share why you’re dreading that meeting on Thursday. Or how stressed you are about the upcoming deadline at work. Or how excited you are for the upcoming soccer tournament because the kids have worked so hard this season.

A seemingly practical conversation about your schedule opens up the door for much deeper topics.

It also creates a natural opportunity to ask for help. I’m guilty of operating with a lone ranger mindset. Subconsciously, handling it all on my own makes me assume that we’re all supposed to operate that way. Being prompted to ask for support from my spouse reminds me that I get to do the same for him.

Question #3

Is there anything else you’d like to share with me?

This question has helped us face some painful realities. How often have you let an issue linger in the back of your mind because it’s never “the right time” to bring it up? Or worse, it comes out in the middle of a heated argument and is used as ammunition.

This is an opportunity to share everything from small annoyances to bigger issues that have been building. Planning a consistent time to talk about these things allows you to approach them with a cool, clear head.

But this question isn’t limited to “what’s been bugging you?” It’s also a chance to say that you’re proud of the way they handled a sticky situation with the kids or at work. It can even be a moment to finally discuss whether it’s time to switch internet providers.

It’s a catch-all. It’s an invitation. There will be days when you have nothing of note to share and days when this question opens up an hour-long deep dive.

. . .

We aren’t as consistent as we’d like to be with these meetings. We’ll hit a stride for a few months and have them faithfully each week. Then life will throw us a curveball and we’ll fall out of the rhythm for a while.

But every season that we manage to stick with the routine, we build a stronger marriage and the benefits follow us even when we stop for a time.

We’ll celebrate 15 years next month and the renovations continue. We’ve been through a lot together — from having twins to chronic illness to a global pandemic. Life can be exhausting, but the simplicity of these questions helps us remember that even a little energy put into our marriage goes a long way.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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